Monday, 29 September 2014

This Takes the Biscuit...


Also the name of the supermarket, Eroski, sounds like Russian porn.

As David Cameron would say, "LOL".

A Bad Day at Wedgewood

Do the people who decorate pottery have bad days? Maybe their boss was nasty to them, or they were made redundant?

Maybe that explains this interesting mug...


And just in case your delicate sensibilities were not sufficiently offended by this outrageous hardcore pottery, I have kindly highlighted the areas of interest below:


Hmm... a subliminal message, maybe? It certainly looks like no rabbit I've ever seen. Oh, wait...

Saturday, 27 September 2014

Sunday, 20 July 2014

Global Hipocrisy

Well, here's a weird thing.

When the Americans don't like the way that another country's leader runs his country, they invade it, depose him, execute him and impose martial law.

When the Russians shoot down a civilian airliner, the Americans tut and say they'll give them a stern talking to.

Yes, we cam blame the Russians for arming the rebels, or for invading Ukraine in the first place.

Or, we can ask why other world leaders stand by and do nothing.

What, oh what, is the world coming to?

Monday, 14 July 2014

Who, oh Why, oh Why???

There are some odd things for sale on eBay. Here's one that I just tripped over...


Why on Earth would anyone buy just the rusty old hinges and handle???

Oh - to make their own pasting table. I get it. Well, they'll need some hardboard for it. Let's see...



So that's £6 for the old hinges, £1.90 for postage and £6.67 for a piece of hardboard. Plus you'll need some wood for the frame and legs. Let's say 4 pieces at £1.72 each. That's a grand total of... £21.45

Bargain!

Oh, wait, while I was on Wickes' website buying the parts to make a pasting table, I saw this...



I don't get it.

Wickes. It's got our name on it. And it's stuck on with glue that will never come off, so your DIY projects will always have a torn, tatty label with our name on.

Ace.

Thursday, 10 July 2014

Duncan Bannatyne's Best Moments on Dragon's Den

To celebrate Duncan Bannatyne's decision to leave Dragon's Den, we've compiled a montage of his 'best bits'...

"I wouldn't buy it, and if I wouldn't buy it because I'm a tight-arsed, more-money-than-sense, ice-cream-van-owning thief of people's hopes and dreams then no-one else in the world would buy it either. I'm oot."

"I don't like it, and if I don't like it then no-one in the world likes it. I'm oot."

"I don't understand it, and if I don't understand it, it can't be because I'm thick, therefore it's a rubbish idea and I'm oot"

"I've sat and listened to these idiots talking a load of nonsense for the last few minutes, so let me tell you where I am. I'm oot."

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home. I'm oot."

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us. I'm oot."

"While theoretically and technically television may be feasible, commercially and financially it is an impossibility. I'm oot."

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk? I'm oot. I'm oot."

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy. I'm oot."

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value. I'm oot."
 
"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction. I'm oot."



Monday, 16 June 2014

Banksy Does Will Smith Up Against a Wall

OK, so this may not be an actual Banksy piece of urban art, but it's definitely graffiti of some kind, spotted today in Birmingham's cosmopolitan urban art district i.e. railway arches.

I thought the face looked familiar, and then it struck me. I think the ears were the giveaway.


Who'd have thought that we'd find Hollywood A list celebs sitting for urban portraiture in sunny Birmingham, which has more shopping trolleys and discarded handbags floating in canals than Venice.

Star Wars Cast Take Time Out for Shopping

Rumours are rife about the upcoming Star Wars episode 7 filming, with Harrison Ford literally tripping over his own feet and breaking his ankle in a desperate bid to Tweet photos of the new Millennium Falcon being built at Pinewood Studios.

I wonder if they vaccinated the spacecraft for the Millennium Bug?

Anyway, since the cast of the film have a bit of time on their hands, they've been catching up on some shopping, Earthling-style, by joining the posse at Storage Hunters for some leftover Earth bargains such as drug labs, illegal weapons and trombones.

See if you can spot the Ewoks in these still images taken from the show....


Wednesday, 4 June 2014

The 10 most important photographs of the last 50 years

On the BBC news website today, the 10 most important photographs from the past 50 years.

What could they be?

Surely, a young soldier in Vietnam? Maybe a peace protester facing down a tank in China? 9/11?

No.

They include such important works as this:

Peter Fraser is one of the great colourists in photography. His pictures involve subjective, deeply felt, instinctual responses to the look of things in the world. There is the sense of a searching use of the camera and an openness to the potentially infinite pictorial possibilities of what is around him. Colour is integral to the ways in which his photography opens up new and unexpected ways of depicting aspects of the everyday and ordinary.

This is beautifully brought out in this picture of two plastic buckets, and the way it concentrates us on the subtle shifts in tones of blue between them. What might have been seen as obvious and common is transformed in this picture, made special and strange. The photograph is from a series he aptly titled Everyday Icons.


I'm obviously missing something...

Sunday, 1 June 2014

It's the Village Bike...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/glasgow_and_west/7095134.stm

A man in Glasgow was in court recently, accused of trying to have sex with a bike. We don't mean a promiscuous local tartlet, we mean an actual bicycle.

"Mr Stewart was caught in the act with his bicycle by cleaners in his bedroom at the Aberley House Hostel in Ayr."

Maybe, in an attempt to explore his sexuality, he got bisexual confused with bicycle.

"Stewart had denied the offence, claiming it was caused by a misunderstanding after he had too much to drink."

Ah yes, a misunderstanding of course. Maybe one of his flatmates said that there was a ride waiting for him in his bedroom. He'll be a bit saddle sore now, I should think. He needs to break the chains of love and get a handlebar on his life. Put the brakes on a bit.

Oh, and of course, get a life.

Mind you, that's nothing compared with the American who tried to have sex with a cashpoint machine.

"Police in Murfreesboro, Tenn., say Lonnie Hutton, 49, strutted into the Boro Bar and Grill, cozied up to the ATM, pulled down his pants and underwear and then attempted to have sexual intercourse with the machine."

Another misunderstanding, obviously. When his friends said there was a hole in the wall... you get the picture.


Thursday, 29 May 2014

The Smurfs Live on BGT!!!

It would appear that the stars who entertain us while ITV's technicians are rigging votes on Britain's Got Talent wouldn't even get through to the semi-finals themselves.

Tonight's wailing weirdos were Will.I.Am and Rappa Smurf, it would appear...


Honestly, what the hell is the world coming to?

Thankfully, because the two megastars are American, they didn't notice Dec taking the piss when he wished them a happy birthday, after singing their shit single, sorry, hit single, It's My Birthday. And when I say singing, of course I mean moving their mouths approximately in time to the music. Rappa Smurf was singing just like John Redwood singing the Welsh national anthem when he was the Minister for Wales. Seriously. Look it up on YouTube.

As Papa Smurf himself would say, LOL.

Tuesday, 20 May 2014

Do not drink nail varnish remover

According to the experts at Superdrug, nail varnish remover is similar to drink...


Still, it's great news that the Travel Bottle is ideal for travelling. Bloody marvellous.

Monday, 19 May 2014

Serving suggestion?

McDonalds are thrilling us with their Great Tastes of America special edition burgers.

Note that's not collector's edition. You shouldn't be keeping these things under your bed.

So I was tempted by the Texas BBQ, this week's special:


Well, can you imagine how I felt when this is what emerged from the cardboard box:



And the taste?

Pretty much how it looks...

Monday, 5 May 2014

Do Not Use The Toilet

Here's a useful sign from a hotel toilet.

Presumably they want me to poo in the sink, then?

Monday, 28 April 2014

Orsett Hall in Photo Frame Horror

We recently visited posh hotel and spa Orsett Hall in Essex.

Like everything else in Essex, it was all show and no go. All vajazzle and fake tan and pink ribbon. But scratch the surface and you find surly dining room staff who set tables any old how and try and convince you that you're too late for breakfast and their clock is wrong because they can't be bothered to serve you.

We were sat in the tiny lounge area and noticed three picture frames that all had the same picture in.

I said, "They look like the photos that came with the frame!"

On closer inspection, guess what?

As they say in Essex, LOL.


Monday, 31 March 2014

Don't Play With Fire

The latest Amazon TV ad features an annoying woman who likes to poke her nose into your online activities via your Amazon Kindle Fire.

She chirpily offers the following advice:

Great... all this time I've been trying to keep my kids away from the fire...

Thursday, 27 March 2014

Don't Be Greedy

Here's an interesting story. The guy returned a laptop but was still charged for the loan, he went to court and was awarded £116,000!

Then there was an appeal, and 16 years later, the High Court awards him £8,000 instead.

But who appealed? PC World? No. The loan provider? No.

He did!

Because £116,000 wasn't enough.

Just goes to show, when you get something you shouldn't have, keep your big mouth shut.

And don't be greedy.


A man has won a 16-year dispute over a laptop which he bought from the Aberdeen branch of PC World.
Richard Durkin claimed the HFC bank ruined his credit rating after he tried to pull out of a credit agreement when he returned the £1,499 computer.
Mr Durkin, 44, took his case to court and initially won damages of £116,000 but that ruling was overturned.
The Supreme Court in London has now allowed his appeal and ruled he should receive £8,000 in damages.
Mr Durkin said the ruling was a victory for the consumer but a blow for him personally.
He had handed over £50 and signed a credit agreement with HFC in 1998, but said he was told by a sales assistant at the store in Aberdeen that the laptop could be returned if it had a problem.
He discovered the laptop did not have an inbuilt modem.
Mr Durkin was eventually paid back the £50 by PC World but HFC said he was still required to make payments under the terms of the credit agreement.
In 2008 Aberdeen Sheriff Court ruled that he was entitled to reject the laptop and cancel the sale and the credit agreement and awarded damages of £116,000.
The decision was overturned later by judges at the Court of Session in Edinburgh after Mr Durkin himself appealed against the size of the damages.
Delivering the Supreme Court conclusion, Lord Hodge ruled: "I would allow the appeal and declare that Mr Durkin was entitled to rescind and validly rescinded the credit agreement by giving notice to HFC in about February 1999.
"Damages resulting from HFC's breach of its duty of care are confined to injury to Mr Durkin's credit in the sum of £8,000.
"I would give the parties an opportunity to agree the date from which interest should run and the rate or rates of interest to be applied."
Lord Hodge said the Supreme Court did not have the power to restore the damages originally awarded to Mr Durkin.

Analysis

Today's judgment is a significant victory for consumers, but rather a hollow one for Richard Durkin.
The judgment establishes that if you buy goods using a credit agreement, and then validly terminate the contract of sale by rejecting the goods, you can also validly end the credit agreement.
More significantly, it establishes that any lender who wants to blacklist a consumer's credit rating, when they are asserting that they've terminated the credit agreement, owes that consumer a duty of care to ensure that they are genuinely in default of the credit agreement.
Mr Durkin had told HFC bank that he'd ended the credit agreement.
The court found that, in the light of that, HFC were under a duty to make the appropriate enquiries to establish if he had. They did not do so.
Mr Durkin had originally been awarded £116,000 in damages, but that sum was dramatically reduced on appeal at the Court of Session in Edinburgh.
Sadly for Mr Durkin, the Supreme Court in this type of appeal is unable to reassess the damages in the case, and so he was left with just £8,000.
However, his legacy will perhaps be that banks and others extending credit to purchase goods under what are known as 'debtor, creditor, supplier' agreements will have to be exceptionally careful before informing credit agencies that the customer is in default.
If they get it wrong and are negligent, they can be sued by the customer.

Wednesday, 26 March 2014

First Direct - Are They Scamming Us With Charges?

I've just sent this complaint to First Direct, part of HSBC. Is your bank finding ways to charge you?

Hello,

In the past, I have applied more than once for an increase to my overdraft and it has been refused. You will see from my account history that mortgage payments often make me overdrawn but I transfer money in almost immediately to restore my account to credit. This is because I'm self employed and my partner has to transfer money from the business account, and we don't take any more out than we absolutely have to.

Since you've repeatedly charged me for going over my overdraft limit of £250, it could look like you're intentionally keeping my OD limit to £250 so that you can carry on charging me. As you see, if you increased it to £500, as it is automatically with other banks such as Smile, I wouldn't be paying any charges.

On these grounds, I think it's more than fair for you to increase my overdraft limit, and as I say, the FCA could take the view that you're holding my OD limit to £250 in order to charge me whenever I go over it.

Of course, you could argue that I should manage my mortgage payments better, but that's life, and that's what overdraft limits are for, is it not?

Thanks,


Wednesday, 19 February 2014

Oh! You Shouldn't Have!

Not a toy eh? Well I suppose it would be a disappointing birthday present...

Tuesday, 21 January 2014

Why a Privatised Postal Service is Wonderful

Long before Christmas, a company in Russia said they were sending me something. Today it arrived. So that's about 6 weeks.

I didn't know what the package was so I was very excited, and you can imagine my disappointment when I called UPS last week and they told me that because the address on the package was illegible, it had gone back to the sorting centre. What they didn't tell me was that it had gone to the centre in Germany. They told me they'd deliver my package on Monday. I told them to deliver it on Tuesday instead. They delivered it on Monday anway. But what could it be?

A big padded envelope. 



Hmmm. The address doesn't exactly look illegible. It wouldn't be the first time that UPS have lied to cover up the fact that they can't be bothered to ask for directions to my house. Ah well, what could be inside?



Another envelope? My hopes are fading fast that it's an expensive present. But it could still be gift vouchers or a certificate or something.

OK. Let's look inside.



The music stops and it's another envelope! It's blank on the front and has my name stapled to the back.

OK, well, it must be something small but very valuable and exciting. Let's see!


Um. I'm speechless.

Oh, wait - this has come all the way from Russia, so I've finally figured out what it is. A set of Russian dolls!


Thursday, 12 December 2013

Westloife Singer Crowned King of the Jungle

That was the most boring celebrity jungle pantomime ever. They all loved each other. No fighting or practical jokes to speak of. Everyone was so pleasant. The highlights were as follows:

Amy cheated and noone really cared.

An American has-been tried to convince everyone that he was really famous.

Some people got covered in bugs.

That's it.

Thursday, 7 November 2013

Moving the Nation

This coach company apparently has 16 million seat coaches available...

Thursday, 29 August 2013

Haven't We Seen Her Somewhere Before?

Celebrity Big Sibling and weird antiques expert Lauren Harries looks very familiar, especially when wearing a big fur coat and with her weird stoopy neck.

Have we seen her on Antiques Roadshow?

No... hang on, it's on the tip of my tongue.

Now I remember! She was on the Pink Panther Show!


Sunday, 18 August 2013

They say that sex sells cars...

I can't believe the DVLA let this one slip through the net. Maybe it's Jaguar's attempt at subliminal selling? Still, they do say that sports cars are substitutes for a certain something.

Thursday, 8 August 2013

The strange people of Walsall

Why would anyone want to have sex with a bus?
Presumably you have to be very careful, those exhaust pipes can be hot...

Wednesday, 17 July 2013

The Doctor is IN

Dr Leah, winner of The Apprentice, is going to bring medical excellence and credibility to the industry of having cow's arse fat injected into your face to fill out those wrinkles.

The problem is, the chain of clinics are the prize in a game show and, as such, her brand has lost all it's credibility from the start.

Also, Lord Wrinklyface himself admits he doesn't understand low volume, high margin, regulated, clinical businesses, so within a couple of years the chain will be rebranded as Al's Bargain Facelifts.

I don't think that Al himself will be the poster boy, though.


A Hazel is for Life, not Just for Christmas

We're watching Big Brother of course, but not commenting because nothing interesting is happening...

Until now!!

Isn't Hazel totally awesome? We want one as a pet! It would be like having a pet snake or maybe a leopard. Exciting, but don't turn your back on it.

So here's Hazel's master plan, in a nutshell.

  1. Upon entry to the house, assess the other housemates as threats
  2. Use looks and sexual advances to gain immediate control of all men in the house
  3. Identify the inaccessible men i.e. Dan (gay) and Daley (girlfriend)
  4. Identify the accessible men (Dexter, Calum, Sam) and avoid at all costs
  5. After all, she wants to win, not a relationship!!
  6. Drape herself all over Dan in order to wind up Daley
  7. Make unwelcome sexual advances towards Daley, thereby exploiting his high response threshold by virtue of him having a girlfriend, knowing that she can push Daley a long way before he returns her advances, even though they're not sincere
  8. Push Daley too far
  9. Jump at the chance to push Daley out the door while BB is on the warpath
  10. Concoct a story that positions Hazel as the innocent victim who doesn't know anything
  11. Test her half truth, half arsed story with Dan to see if, as a detective, he buys it
  12. He bought it!!!
  13. Feed the story to the other housemates to recover her position
Sadly, we think & hope that it won't work. Gina and Dexter are already on to Hazel (Daley should have listened but he was overwhelmed by testosterone). Sam, Sophie and the twins don't care. Calum will listen with his y-fronts. Dan is already totally hoodwinked by Hazel. Some detective!!

Get a Hazel now. Available from all larger branches of Pets at Home. Not suitable for children. Or men.

Saturday, 13 July 2013

Celebrity advice from Mecca Bingo

Along with health advice on cigarette packets and coffee cups, I see Mecca Bingo are offering useful advice to celebrities on their marker pens...

Friday, 5 July 2013

The Doctor Will See You Now

Is it just me, or does Dr Oetker sound like a Nazi war criminal to you?


Thursday, 13 June 2013

Hell's Kitchen? Well, it wasn't Heaven's Cafe...

We were in London recently and took the opportunity to visit one of +Gordon Ramsay's restaurants, the Bread Street Kitchen. A kind of raucous cafeteria with an industrial theme frequented by a lot of people who looked like gangsters.

It was interesting. The service was outstanding. The scallop (just one) was OK, and the meatballs were excellent. The cheeseburger was average, with a trendy shiny bun, a not-very-tasty burger and a lettuce/mayo mix on the bottom which, under the hot burger, turned into the kind of wilted sludge that you get in a Big Mac. The triple cooked chips were nice at first but became tiresome and stodgy, and actually were just like the deep fried roast potatoes you'd get in a Brewer's Fayre on a Sunday. The surf and turf was £35, with rather salty steak.

So all in all, we liked the bread and the meatballs. Everything else was average and overpriced.

For the above, plus a beer, £92. Including a 12.5% service charge which was added for our convenience.

Thanks Gordon, that certainly took a weight off our minds.

Tuesday, 28 May 2013

The Gun Free Paradise of London...

On the pro-killing Americans website, www.gunssavelives.net, the latest headline proudly proclaims:

"Meanwhile, in the Gun-Free Paradise of London, Terrorists are Beheading Soldiers in the Street"

Well, it's a good point. I mean, that kind of thing would never happen in America would it? I mean, terrorists would never kill people in New York, would they?

So the solution is to give everyone guns. Which means the terrorists would have guns. Which means they would have shot the soldier instead of stabbing him.

Let's put these statistics into perspective, shall we?

Number of people killed with guns in America last year: 8,583

Number of soldiers hacked to death by terrorists in the UK ever: 1

Just in case you're struggling with the figures here, I've prepared a bar chart for you:


And also a nice pie chart:



The Only Way is Epic

Went to see The Pub Landlord, Al Murray, recently. Very good indeed.

His show has moved on a bit, merging comedy with self-help in not a dissimilar way to Neil Mullarkey. The Only Way is Epic attempts to have the audience so proud of their own prejudices that we feel epic, in the sense of national and sexual superiority, of course. As epic as a football hooligan does as he sticks an Italian fan's head through a shop window, maybe.

The Landlord's original shows featured racism, sexism, jingoism, nationalism and masochism in a way that had the audience screaming with laughter from the very start, only to find out through a slow unravelling of the Landlord's back story that we were actually laughing at our own prejudices. It turned out that he had a good reason for hating the French, Foreigners, Women and Gays. But we didn't.


Mr Murray takes a photo of the audience at each show. We're 6th row back on the left of the photo.

Monday, 27 May 2013

He's Behind You!

This year, Derby isn't taking any chances with the stars of its pantomime. You may recall that last panto season, Jim Davidson was due to star in panto somewhere just as he was arrested for doing nothing at all with young people who looked over 16, leading to the chance of a lifetime for his understudy.

So to save further embarrassment, Derby City Council is hedging its bets....