Monday, 31 March 2014

Don't Play With Fire

The latest Amazon TV ad features an annoying woman who likes to poke her nose into your online activities via your Amazon Kindle Fire.

She chirpily offers the following advice:

Great... all this time I've been trying to keep my kids away from the fire...

Thursday, 27 March 2014

Don't Be Greedy

Here's an interesting story. The guy returned a laptop but was still charged for the loan, he went to court and was awarded £116,000!

Then there was an appeal, and 16 years later, the High Court awards him £8,000 instead.

But who appealed? PC World? No. The loan provider? No.

He did!

Because £116,000 wasn't enough.

Just goes to show, when you get something you shouldn't have, keep your big mouth shut.

And don't be greedy.

A man has won a 16-year dispute over a laptop which he bought from the Aberdeen branch of PC World.
Richard Durkin claimed the HFC bank ruined his credit rating after he tried to pull out of a credit agreement when he returned the £1,499 computer.
Mr Durkin, 44, took his case to court and initially won damages of £116,000 but that ruling was overturned.
The Supreme Court in London has now allowed his appeal and ruled he should receive £8,000 in damages.
Mr Durkin said the ruling was a victory for the consumer but a blow for him personally.
He had handed over £50 and signed a credit agreement with HFC in 1998, but said he was told by a sales assistant at the store in Aberdeen that the laptop could be returned if it had a problem.
He discovered the laptop did not have an inbuilt modem.
Mr Durkin was eventually paid back the £50 by PC World but HFC said he was still required to make payments under the terms of the credit agreement.
In 2008 Aberdeen Sheriff Court ruled that he was entitled to reject the laptop and cancel the sale and the credit agreement and awarded damages of £116,000.
The decision was overturned later by judges at the Court of Session in Edinburgh after Mr Durkin himself appealed against the size of the damages.
Delivering the Supreme Court conclusion, Lord Hodge ruled: "I would allow the appeal and declare that Mr Durkin was entitled to rescind and validly rescinded the credit agreement by giving notice to HFC in about February 1999.
"Damages resulting from HFC's breach of its duty of care are confined to injury to Mr Durkin's credit in the sum of £8,000.
"I would give the parties an opportunity to agree the date from which interest should run and the rate or rates of interest to be applied."
Lord Hodge said the Supreme Court did not have the power to restore the damages originally awarded to Mr Durkin.


Today's judgment is a significant victory for consumers, but rather a hollow one for Richard Durkin.
The judgment establishes that if you buy goods using a credit agreement, and then validly terminate the contract of sale by rejecting the goods, you can also validly end the credit agreement.
More significantly, it establishes that any lender who wants to blacklist a consumer's credit rating, when they are asserting that they've terminated the credit agreement, owes that consumer a duty of care to ensure that they are genuinely in default of the credit agreement.
Mr Durkin had told HFC bank that he'd ended the credit agreement.
The court found that, in the light of that, HFC were under a duty to make the appropriate enquiries to establish if he had. They did not do so.
Mr Durkin had originally been awarded £116,000 in damages, but that sum was dramatically reduced on appeal at the Court of Session in Edinburgh.
Sadly for Mr Durkin, the Supreme Court in this type of appeal is unable to reassess the damages in the case, and so he was left with just £8,000.
However, his legacy will perhaps be that banks and others extending credit to purchase goods under what are known as 'debtor, creditor, supplier' agreements will have to be exceptionally careful before informing credit agencies that the customer is in default.
If they get it wrong and are negligent, they can be sued by the customer.

Wednesday, 26 March 2014

First Direct - Are They Scamming Us With Charges?

I've just sent this complaint to First Direct, part of HSBC. Is your bank finding ways to charge you?


In the past, I have applied more than once for an increase to my overdraft and it has been refused. You will see from my account history that mortgage payments often make me overdrawn but I transfer money in almost immediately to restore my account to credit. This is because I'm self employed and my partner has to transfer money from the business account, and we don't take any more out than we absolutely have to.

Since you've repeatedly charged me for going over my overdraft limit of £250, it could look like you're intentionally keeping my OD limit to £250 so that you can carry on charging me. As you see, if you increased it to £500, as it is automatically with other banks such as Smile, I wouldn't be paying any charges.

On these grounds, I think it's more than fair for you to increase my overdraft limit, and as I say, the FCA could take the view that you're holding my OD limit to £250 in order to charge me whenever I go over it.

Of course, you could argue that I should manage my mortgage payments better, but that's life, and that's what overdraft limits are for, is it not?


Wednesday, 19 February 2014

Oh! You Shouldn't Have!

Not a toy eh? Well I suppose it would be a disappointing birthday present...

Tuesday, 21 January 2014

Why a Privatised Postal Service is Wonderful

Long before Christmas, a company in Russia said they were sending me something. Today it arrived. So that's about 6 weeks.

I didn't know what the package was so I was very excited, and you can imagine my disappointment when I called UPS last week and they told me that because the address on the package was illegible, it had gone back to the sorting centre. What they didn't tell me was that it had gone to the centre in Germany. They told me they'd deliver my package on Monday. I told them to deliver it on Tuesday instead. They delivered it on Monday anway. But what could it be?

A big padded envelope. 

Hmmm. The address doesn't exactly look illegible. It wouldn't be the first time that UPS have lied to cover up the fact that they can't be bothered to ask for directions to my house. Ah well, what could be inside?

Another envelope? My hopes are fading fast that it's an expensive present. But it could still be gift vouchers or a certificate or something.

OK. Let's look inside.

The music stops and it's another envelope! It's blank on the front and has my name stapled to the back.

OK, well, it must be something small but very valuable and exciting. Let's see!

Um. I'm speechless.

Oh, wait - this has come all the way from Russia, so I've finally figured out what it is. A set of Russian dolls!

Thursday, 12 December 2013

Westloife Singer Crowned King of the Jungle

That was the most boring celebrity jungle pantomime ever. They all loved each other. No fighting or practical jokes to speak of. Everyone was so pleasant. The highlights were as follows:

Amy cheated and noone really cared.

An American has-been tried to convince everyone that he was really famous.

Some people got covered in bugs.

That's it.

Thursday, 7 November 2013

Moving the Nation

This coach company apparently has 16 million seat coaches available...

Thursday, 29 August 2013

Haven't We Seen Her Somewhere Before?

Celebrity Big Sibling and weird antiques expert Lauren Harries looks very familiar, especially when wearing a big fur coat and with her weird stoopy neck.

Have we seen her on Antiques Roadshow?

No... hang on, it's on the tip of my tongue.

Now I remember! She was on the Pink Panther Show!

Sunday, 18 August 2013

They say that sex sells cars...

I can't believe the DVLA let this one slip through the net. Maybe it's Jaguar's attempt at subliminal selling? Still, they do say that sports cars are substitutes for a certain something.

Thursday, 8 August 2013

The strange people of Walsall

Why would anyone want to have sex with a bus?
Presumably you have to be very careful, those exhaust pipes can be hot...

Wednesday, 17 July 2013

The Doctor is IN

Dr Leah, winner of The Apprentice, is going to bring medical excellence and credibility to the industry of having cow's arse fat injected into your face to fill out those wrinkles.

The problem is, the chain of clinics are the prize in a game show and, as such, her brand has lost all it's credibility from the start.

Also, Lord Wrinklyface himself admits he doesn't understand low volume, high margin, regulated, clinical businesses, so within a couple of years the chain will be rebranded as Al's Bargain Facelifts.

I don't think that Al himself will be the poster boy, though.

A Hazel is for Life, not Just for Christmas

We're watching Big Brother of course, but not commenting because nothing interesting is happening...

Until now!!

Isn't Hazel totally awesome? We want one as a pet! It would be like having a pet snake or maybe a leopard. Exciting, but don't turn your back on it.

So here's Hazel's master plan, in a nutshell.

  1. Upon entry to the house, assess the other housemates as threats
  2. Use looks and sexual advances to gain immediate control of all men in the house
  3. Identify the inaccessible men i.e. Dan (gay) and Daley (girlfriend)
  4. Identify the accessible men (Dexter, Calum, Sam) and avoid at all costs
  5. After all, she wants to win, not a relationship!!
  6. Drape herself all over Dan in order to wind up Daley
  7. Make unwelcome sexual advances towards Daley, thereby exploiting his high response threshold by virtue of him having a girlfriend, knowing that she can push Daley a long way before he returns her advances, even though they're not sincere
  8. Push Daley too far
  9. Jump at the chance to push Daley out the door while BB is on the warpath
  10. Concoct a story that positions Hazel as the innocent victim who doesn't know anything
  11. Test her half truth, half arsed story with Dan to see if, as a detective, he buys it
  12. He bought it!!!
  13. Feed the story to the other housemates to recover her position
Sadly, we think & hope that it won't work. Gina and Dexter are already on to Hazel (Daley should have listened but he was overwhelmed by testosterone). Sam, Sophie and the twins don't care. Calum will listen with his y-fronts. Dan is already totally hoodwinked by Hazel. Some detective!!

Get a Hazel now. Available from all larger branches of Pets at Home. Not suitable for children. Or men.

Saturday, 13 July 2013

Celebrity advice from Mecca Bingo

Along with health advice on cigarette packets and coffee cups, I see Mecca Bingo are offering useful advice to celebrities on their marker pens...

Friday, 5 July 2013

The Doctor Will See You Now

Is it just me, or does Dr Oetker sound like a Nazi war criminal to you?

Thursday, 13 June 2013

Hell's Kitchen? Well, it wasn't Heaven's Cafe...

We were in London recently and took the opportunity to visit one of +Gordon Ramsay's restaurants, the Bread Street Kitchen. A kind of raucous cafeteria with an industrial theme frequented by a lot of people who looked like gangsters.

It was interesting. The service was outstanding. The scallop (just one) was OK, and the meatballs were excellent. The cheeseburger was average, with a trendy shiny bun, a not-very-tasty burger and a lettuce/mayo mix on the bottom which, under the hot burger, turned into the kind of wilted sludge that you get in a Big Mac. The triple cooked chips were nice at first but became tiresome and stodgy, and actually were just like the deep fried roast potatoes you'd get in a Brewer's Fayre on a Sunday. The surf and turf was £35, with rather salty steak.

So all in all, we liked the bread and the meatballs. Everything else was average and overpriced.

For the above, plus a beer, £92. Including a 12.5% service charge which was added for our convenience.

Thanks Gordon, that certainly took a weight off our minds.

Tuesday, 28 May 2013

The Gun Free Paradise of London...

On the pro-killing Americans website,, the latest headline proudly proclaims:

"Meanwhile, in the Gun-Free Paradise of London, Terrorists are Beheading Soldiers in the Street"

Well, it's a good point. I mean, that kind of thing would never happen in America would it? I mean, terrorists would never kill people in New York, would they?

So the solution is to give everyone guns. Which means the terrorists would have guns. Which means they would have shot the soldier instead of stabbing him.

Let's put these statistics into perspective, shall we?

Number of people killed with guns in America last year: 8,583

Number of soldiers hacked to death by terrorists in the UK ever: 1

Just in case you're struggling with the figures here, I've prepared a bar chart for you:

And also a nice pie chart:

The Only Way is Epic

Went to see The Pub Landlord, Al Murray, recently. Very good indeed.

His show has moved on a bit, merging comedy with self-help in not a dissimilar way to Neil Mullarkey. The Only Way is Epic attempts to have the audience so proud of their own prejudices that we feel epic, in the sense of national and sexual superiority, of course. As epic as a football hooligan does as he sticks an Italian fan's head through a shop window, maybe.

The Landlord's original shows featured racism, sexism, jingoism, nationalism and masochism in a way that had the audience screaming with laughter from the very start, only to find out through a slow unravelling of the Landlord's back story that we were actually laughing at our own prejudices. It turned out that he had a good reason for hating the French, Foreigners, Women and Gays. But we didn't.

Mr Murray takes a photo of the audience at each show. We're 6th row back on the left of the photo.

Monday, 27 May 2013

He's Behind You!

This year, Derby isn't taking any chances with the stars of its pantomime. You may recall that last panto season, Jim Davidson was due to star in panto somewhere just as he was arrested for doing nothing at all with young people who looked over 16, leading to the chance of a lifetime for his understudy.

So to save further embarrassment, Derby City Council is hedging its bets....

Sunday, 19 May 2013

A Ukrainian Telephone Directory

I think I worked it out after room 502...

New celebrity vending machine launched

Here's a new vending machine designed just for Jimmy Saville / Jimmy Tarbuck / Jim Davidson / Dave Lee Travis / Bill Roach / Michael Le Vell*

*delete as appropriate

Tuesday, 14 May 2013

Chris Hadfield is So Cooool!

Everyone's raving about Canadian astronaut Chris Hadfield who has shown the world that astronauts are cool again. For the first time, the people on the radio tell us, since Buzz Aldrin, Neil Armstrong and the other guy, space exploration is cool again.

And why?

Because Chris Hadfield did such amazing, cool things as:
  • Showing viewers back home how he eats dried spinach in space
  • Playing an electric guitar
  • Sending pictures via Twitter. Yes, TWITTER!! That cool new technology that old people don't understand and young people don't use.
Awesome. Amazing. Definitely worth billions of NASA dollars.

Personally, I don't think of the abovementioned stunts as being cool.

If Chris had single handedly pushed a meteorite out of an extinction level collision with Earth, that would have been cool.

If Chris had single handedly fought off an alien invasion, then that would have been cool.

If Chris had single handedly seduced the queen of an alien civilisation, thereby bringing centuries of violence to an end by showing them the power of love, then that would have been cool.

But eating spinach and crying?

He also said that Wales is "Rugged, proud and uniquely beautiful"

Let's hope the space sickness wears off soon.

Saturday, 27 April 2013

Hotel Facilities

I would check out... But I can't get out of the hotel room for the TV.

Tuesday, 9 April 2013

RIP Margaret Thatcher

Everyone in Britain today has been influenced by Margaret Thatcher. We'll remember her for different reasons; some for the national pride stirred up by the Falklands War, others for dark periods such as the Miner's Strike and Poll Tax Riots. Yet from 1979 onwards, she defined the culture of Britain and laid a foundation that successive governments, both Conservative and Labour, have built upon.
Whilst you may or may not agree with Thatcher's political position, what we can all learn from is her gift for public speaking. So many good people and good politicians have excellent ideas and want desperately to make the world a better place, but without the ability to stand up and have the courage of their convictions, their voices go unheard. Whatever you say about Thatcher, her voice never went unheard.
From the day in 1979 when she won the general election, she honed her public speaking skills. Maybe it was a combination of education and experience that made the pitch of her voice deeper and her intonation more commanding, or maybe it was the growing confidence that she felt in office.
She is possibly best remembered for her line, “The lady's not for turning”, which in itself reveals one of the reasons that she was so compelling as a Prime Minister – she wasn't afraid to speak her mind and stick to it. Rather than change with the tide of public opinion, she stuck to her principles, even in the face of severe pressure to do otherwise. Whilst Poll Tax was hugely unpopular at the time, she perhaps recognised that people will always resist change and continued, with some adjustments, to press ahead with social reforms that have given us local government today that has to justify how it spends our money and which we can hold accountable. Her ability to hold her ground during every debate and press interview shows courage but also something that we can all learn to do; once she made a decision about a course of action, she stuck to it. I've seen so many presenters 'change tack' when they think the audience isn't 'with them', and all they achieve is to lose credibility. Whether you liked Thatcher's policies or not, at least you knew what they were, which is something that is hard to say about many of today's politicians.
Another area where Thatcher excelled was in branding. She made the conservative party stand out and gave it an identity. She knew that being the first female Prime Minister gave her a distinct advantage over her predecessors, and she took full advantage of that, linking the branding of the party to her own personal image. Her trademark hairstyle was echoed in the flame of the party's new torch logo, which was used long after she stepped down as party leader, showing that she continued to influence the party for many years after Labour came to power.
Whatever your personal recollections of Thatcher, the world has lost a leader who had a unique ability to reach out and speak to the nation, communicating her steadfastness during some very challenging times. No matter how unpopular her message, she always showed the courage of her convictions and that gave the people of Britain a sense of direction which, arguably, we have not seen since.

Saturday, 16 March 2013

Overheard in a Cafe

Overheard in a cafe in Ashbourne today...

Woman 1: I'll just put my mobile phone in my handbag

Woman 2: Why don't you put it in your pocket?

Woman 1: I can't put it in my pocket because of the cucumbers

Woman 2: Why don't you put your cucumbers in your handbag?

Woman 1: Oh, it's OK, I've done it now

Wednesday, 16 January 2013

Trumps from a Cavity?

The narrator on tonight's Brit Cops just said:

"The cavity search is negative but the rest of the crack team turn up trumps."

Is it just us, or is that very funny?

Tuesday, 15 January 2013

Monday, 7 January 2013

It's Not a Game

Paula was upset at being up for nomination, saying "it's not a game"


There are players, rules and a winner. And it's a game show.

She's upset because 4 of her fellow luvvies voted for her.

"This was a chance for me to get my life back on track, to launch my products."

Ah... So that's why you're in there. Well we don't think that's quite the point of the show, love.

"You've broken me."

No, Paula. Your whinging, lying, name dropping and novelty bra are what broke you.

It's Another Celebrity Big Bust-Up

Well, it's that time of year again. It's time to fill a TV studio with a bunch of has-beens and most-likely-never-will-bes to see how they fare when deprived of the most essential essentials of life - media attention, photographers and hangers-on.

Here's a round-up of the 2013 posse...

Celery Reason for being in the house
Claire Was a (insert previous career here), now seeking a TV career
Frankie Was a (insert previous career here), now seeking a TV career
Gillian Hasn't had any acting work in a while, hoping the talent scouts are watching
Lacey To take off as many clothes as possible to promote a modelling career
Paula Was a (insert previous career here), now seeking a TV career
Razor Was a (insert previous career here), now seeking a TV career
Ryan Fed up of dodging spiders in the toilet?
Rylan Had a taste of reality TV, wants more
Sam Hasn't had any acting work in a while, hoping the talent scouts are watching
Speidi Had a taste of reality TV, wants more
Tricia Was a (insert previous career here), now seeking a TV career

So there you go. We know it's unsettling when you see people on your telly and you have no idea who they are.

Sunday, 30 December 2012

Arise, Sir Shylock

The head of the FSA at the time the recent recession started is to be knighted for 'services to the financial industry'.

Let's hope the Queen's hand slips with that heavy sword so that she can do her bit for 'services to the penniless consumer'.

Former City regulator knighted

Sunday, 23 December 2012

Guns Don't Kill People, Stupid Americans With Guns Kill People With Their Guns

What happened at that school in America was just awful, unthinkable.

However, this is just silly.

Off duty soldiers and police are standing guard over schools in case another madman goes on a murderous rampage.

This is essentially shutting the gate after the horse has bolted, killed the farmer and his family, gone on a six-state car chase and then shot itself in the head, all broadcast live for the American public to enjoy over their TV dinners.

Now, we're sure the Americans will have thought of this already, but just in case the idea slipped through the net in all of that paperwork that the American government has to wade through, what if they were to just stop letting stupid dangerous people have guns?

I know, I know. They must have thought of it already. After all, the Americans do have the right to bear arms to defend themselves. It says so in the constitution. A document that was written in the times of the 'Wild West', when the West was, well, wild. And dangerous.

However, saying that people should be allowed guns now because it says so in the constitution is like saying that Americans should not be allowed on Facebook because it doesn't say anything about it in the constitution. Of course, Americans should not be allowed on Facebook, but that's a different matter.

Now, what they might argue is that every time a mad gunman goes on a rampage it proves that they should be allowed guns to defend themselves against such crazed lunatics. Because you can't really predict if someone is buying a gun to shoot raccoons, or if they're buying a gun to murder innocent children. So it's best to err on the side of caution and let anyone have one. Although of course it's giving them guns in the first place that makes them dangerous.

Let's face it, there are a lot of people in America, and so it stands to reason that there are a lot of stupid people in America. But stupid dangerous people? Well, they were just plain stupid until someone decided that it would be a good idea for them to have guns. Now they're stupid and dangerous.

Great. I'm just glad the Atlantic is so wide.

Thursday, 29 November 2012

Some Jokes.... If You Can Call Them That

I thought of two jokes this morning that you might like.

Cinderella has been made a government regulator. She has been given sweeping powers.

My house is heroic. It was last decorated during the war.

As David Cameron would say, LOL.

Making an Impression

I went to an interview recently. At the end, they asked me if I had any questions. I said,

"Yes. What is your first impression of me?"

The interviewer replied,

"Erm.... It's too early to tell"

Did I miss the point of a first impression?

Wednesday, 28 November 2012

Free Press?

Lord Leveson has recommended regulation of the press.

The press are up in arms.

According to a bald man on the telly, 'we' fought long and hard for freedom of speech and we can't sacrifice that.

Isn't that like saying that our free will must not be controlled by the government?

Hmm.. That's a nice new flat panel telly in Currys. I don't want to pay for it though. We fought long and hard for free will in this Country! Someone died in a war to make this a free country! Property is theft! etc. etc.

Freedom of speech isn't the problem.

The problem is what certain journalists use that freedom to say.

And yes, they should be regulated.

Monday, 19 November 2012

Curious goings-on in Belize

John McAfee, the founder of the anti-virus software company of the same name, is on the run in Belize after the local police found his neighbour shot dead.

John has gone into hiding, using various disguises including a tramp and a German tourist, continuing to blog about his daily adventures while on the run with his 20 year old girlfriend (he's 67) and spying on his own house into to keep tabs on the police, who is convinced are trying to frame him.

Well, it makes interesting reading. At the time of one police raid, when he apparently ran out naked holding a gun, he was living with a 17 year old girl.

He says that he loves lots of people but doesn't care if they love him or not as long as they're honest.


He says, "If I am captured, this blog will continue. I have pre-written enough material to keep this blog alive for at least a year. In addition, the administrator, Chad, will continue to monitor comments. He will administer the reward and post any information received. In truth my continued involvement from this point is irrelevant."

Some would say that they feel the same way about his involvement up to this point, too.

Thursday, 8 November 2012

Politics 1, Democracy 0

In the UK, we're about to have elections for local Police Commissioners. The government have responded to all the fuss about the influence over the police by political parties, for example in the recent News of the World scandal where the police failed to investigate some serious crimes and politicians were somehow involved, along with pool parties and flirty text messages. But there was absolutely no connection between any of those events.

Anyway, at the moment, each police force is overseen by a committee of 17 people, drawn from the local community, social services and so on. They debate policy and standards and the odd number means that there's never a hung vote.

The government, in the interests of maintaining the integrity of the police and the non-interference of political parties, are replacing this committee of 17 good people with a committee of... 1.

One police commissioner will have the power to hire and fire Chief Constables, amongst other important things.

Now, to keep it all fair and above board, anyone can stand for election as a commissioner. Anyone with £5,000 to spend on the deposit, that is.

But oh, hang on, what's this? If you're a serving MP, as in a Member of Parliament, as in a serving party political politician, you only have to pay £500. Which you don't really have to pay, your party pays it for you.

OK, so a politician pays £500 and an ordinary pillar of the local community pays £5,000.

On top of that, the government has levelled the playing field by limiting how much the candidates can spend on advertising. £100,000.


That's quite a lot of money for an independent candidate to spend on advertising, isn't it?

But a drop in the ocean for a main political party.

I say we vote to get rid of democracy. It's all a con anyway.

Wednesday, 7 November 2012

I'm a MP... Get The Whip Out Of Me!

Nadine Dorries is to join some other people you've never heard of in the jungle on Sunday.

Apparently, she isn't doing it to pursue a media career. She's using it as a platform for her political views and will be sharing her policies on various issues of interest to her constituents.

We think that Nadine obviously has never seen the show, because that's not quite how it works. The only things that the contestants get to share their views on are kangaroo's vital organs, cockroaches and each others' personal hygiene habits.

The Conservative party has never been short of controversy. Their response to Nadine's TV appearance was to "withdraw the whip".

Now come on, seriously, that sounds like exactly the kind of perverted act that the Conservatives are more usually in the news for!

Friday, 2 November 2012


Apparently, Carex hand wash "works in seconds"

That's convenient, because that's exactly how long it takes me to wash my hands...

Britain's Got Mobiles!

Yes, we have finally joined the 21st century and gone mobile blogging mad. You can now expect up to 3% more rubbish on the Internet than ever before.

Tuesday, 30 October 2012

How Clean is Your Jungle?

ITV's teaser ads promise that I'm a Celebrity is returning soon..

Why does it seem so long since the last series?

Well, obviously because they had to allow enough time for a new bunch of feckless square-eyed hopefuls to become famous enough to qualify as celebrities. Because let's face it, if your career wasn't in the toilet, why would you bother?

Fag Ash Lil

Gary Barlow, pop's fresh faced little boy band crooner turned bad boy Simon Cowell wannabee, recently accused fellow X-Factor judge Talisa of having 'Fag ash breath'.

Honestly, with her looks, talent and intellect, her breath should really be the least of her worries...