Not a toy eh? Well I suppose it would be a disappointing birthday present...
Tuesday, 21 January 2014
Thursday, 16 January 2014
Monday, 6 January 2014
Thursday, 12 December 2013
An American has-been tried to convince everyone that he was really famous.
Some people got covered in bugs.
Tuesday, 12 November 2013
Thursday, 7 November 2013
Tuesday, 10 September 2013
Thursday, 29 August 2013
Monday, 19 August 2013
Sunday, 18 August 2013
Thursday, 8 August 2013
Wednesday, 17 July 2013
The problem is, the chain of clinics are the prize in a game show and, as such, her brand has lost all it's credibility from the start.
Also, Lord Wrinklyface himself admits he doesn't understand low volume, high margin, regulated, clinical businesses, so within a couple of years the chain will be rebranded as Al's Bargain Facelifts.
I don't think that Al himself will be the poster boy, though.
- Upon entry to the house, assess the other housemates as threats
- Use looks and sexual advances to gain immediate control of all men in the house
- Identify the inaccessible men i.e. Dan (gay) and Daley (girlfriend)
- Identify the accessible men (Dexter, Calum, Sam) and avoid at all costs
- After all, she wants to win, not a relationship!!
- Drape herself all over Dan in order to wind up Daley
- Make unwelcome sexual advances towards Daley, thereby exploiting his high response threshold by virtue of him having a girlfriend, knowing that she can push Daley a long way before he returns her advances, even though they're not sincere
- Push Daley too far
- Jump at the chance to push Daley out the door while BB is on the warpath
- Concoct a story that positions Hazel as the innocent victim who doesn't know anything
- Test her half truth, half arsed story with Dan to see if, as a detective, he buys it
- He bought it!!!
- Feed the story to the other housemates to recover her position
Saturday, 13 July 2013
Friday, 5 July 2013
Thursday, 13 June 2013
It was interesting. The service was outstanding. The scallop (just one) was OK, and the meatballs were excellent. The cheeseburger was average, with a trendy shiny bun, a not-very-tasty burger and a lettuce/mayo mix on the bottom which, under the hot burger, turned into the kind of wilted sludge that you get in a Big Mac. The triple cooked chips were nice at first but became tiresome and stodgy, and actually were just like the deep fried roast potatoes you'd get in a Brewer's Fayre on a Sunday. The surf and turf was £35, with rather salty steak.
So all in all, we liked the bread and the meatballs. Everything else was average and overpriced.
For the above, plus a beer, £92. Including a 12.5% service charge which was added for our convenience.
Thanks Gordon, that certainly took a weight off our minds.
Tuesday, 28 May 2013
"Meanwhile, in the Gun-Free Paradise of London, Terrorists are Beheading Soldiers in the Street"
Well, it's a good point. I mean, that kind of thing would never happen in America would it? I mean, terrorists would never kill people in New York, would they?
So the solution is to give everyone guns. Which means the terrorists would have guns. Which means they would have shot the soldier instead of stabbing him.
Let's put these statistics into perspective, shall we?
Number of people killed with guns in America last year: 8,583
Number of soldiers hacked to death by terrorists in the UK ever: 1
Just in case you're struggling with the figures here, I've prepared a bar chart for you:
And also a nice pie chart:
Monday, 27 May 2013
Sunday, 19 May 2013
Tuesday, 14 May 2013
- Showing viewers back home how he eats dried spinach in space
- Playing an electric guitar
- Sending pictures via Twitter. Yes, TWITTER!! That cool new technology that old people don't understand and young people don't use.
Friday, 3 May 2013
Saturday, 27 April 2013
Tuesday, 9 April 2013
Wednesday, 27 March 2013
Saturday, 16 March 2013
Wednesday, 16 January 2013
Tuesday, 15 January 2013
Monday, 7 January 2013
Paula was upset at being up for nomination, saying "it's not a game"
There are players, rules and a winner. And it's a game show.
She's upset because 4 of her fellow luvvies voted for her.
"This was a chance for me to get my life back on track, to launch my products."
Ah... So that's why you're in there. Well we don't think that's quite the point of the show, love.
"You've broken me."
No, Paula. Your whinging, lying, name dropping and novelty bra are what broke you.
|Celery||Reason for being in the house|
|Claire||Was a (insert previous career here), now seeking a TV career|
|Frankie||Was a (insert previous career here), now seeking a TV career|
|Gillian||Hasn't had any acting work in a while, hoping the talent scouts are watching|
|Lacey||To take off as many clothes as possible to promote a modelling career|
|Paula||Was a (insert previous career here), now seeking a TV career|
|Razor||Was a (insert previous career here), now seeking a TV career|
|Ryan||Fed up of dodging spiders in the toilet?|
|Rylan||Had a taste of reality TV, wants more|
|Sam||Hasn't had any acting work in a while, hoping the talent scouts are watching|
|Speidi||Had a taste of reality TV, wants more|
|Tricia||Was a (insert previous career here), now seeking a TV career|
Sunday, 30 December 2012
The head of the FSA at the time the recent recession started is to be knighted for 'services to the financial industry'.
Let's hope the Queen's hand slips with that heavy sword so that she can do her bit for 'services to the penniless consumer'.
Former City regulator knighted http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-20858164
Sunday, 23 December 2012
However, this is just silly.
Off duty soldiers and police are standing guard over schools in case another madman goes on a murderous rampage.
This is essentially shutting the gate after the horse has bolted, killed the farmer and his family, gone on a six-state car chase and then shot itself in the head, all broadcast live for the American public to enjoy over their TV dinners.
Now, we're sure the Americans will have thought of this already, but just in case the idea slipped through the net in all of that paperwork that the American government has to wade through, what if they were to just stop letting stupid dangerous people have guns?
I know, I know. They must have thought of it already. After all, the Americans do have the right to bear arms to defend themselves. It says so in the constitution. A document that was written in the times of the 'Wild West', when the West was, well, wild. And dangerous.
However, saying that people should be allowed guns now because it says so in the constitution is like saying that Americans should not be allowed on Facebook because it doesn't say anything about it in the constitution. Of course, Americans should not be allowed on Facebook, but that's a different matter.
Now, what they might argue is that every time a mad gunman goes on a rampage it proves that they should be allowed guns to defend themselves against such crazed lunatics. Because you can't really predict if someone is buying a gun to shoot raccoons, or if they're buying a gun to murder innocent children. So it's best to err on the side of caution and let anyone have one. Although of course it's giving them guns in the first place that makes them dangerous.
Let's face it, there are a lot of people in America, and so it stands to reason that there are a lot of stupid people in America. But stupid dangerous people? Well, they were just plain stupid until someone decided that it would be a good idea for them to have guns. Now they're stupid and dangerous.
Great. I'm just glad the Atlantic is so wide.
Thursday, 29 November 2012
Cinderella has been made a government regulator. She has been given sweeping powers.
My house is heroic. It was last decorated during the war.
As David Cameron would say, LOL.
Wednesday, 28 November 2012
The press are up in arms.
According to a bald man on the telly, 'we' fought long and hard for freedom of speech and we can't sacrifice that.
Isn't that like saying that our free will must not be controlled by the government?
Hmm.. That's a nice new flat panel telly in Currys. I don't want to pay for it though. We fought long and hard for free will in this Country! Someone died in a war to make this a free country! Property is theft! etc. etc.
Freedom of speech isn't the problem.
The problem is what certain journalists use that freedom to say.
And yes, they should be regulated.
Monday, 19 November 2012
John has gone into hiding, using various disguises including a tramp and a German tourist, continuing to blog about his daily adventures while on the run with his 20 year old girlfriend (he's 67) and spying on his own house into to keep tabs on the police, who is convinced are trying to frame him.
Well, it makes interesting reading. At the time of one police raid, when he apparently ran out naked holding a gun, he was living with a 17 year old girl.
He says that he loves lots of people but doesn't care if they love him or not as long as they're honest.
He says, "If I am captured, this blog will continue. I have pre-written enough material to keep this blog alive for at least a year. In addition, the administrator, Chad, will continue to monitor comments. He will administer the reward and post any information received. In truth my continued involvement from this point is irrelevant."
Some would say that they feel the same way about his involvement up to this point, too.
Thursday, 8 November 2012
Anyway, at the moment, each police force is overseen by a committee of 17 people, drawn from the local community, social services and so on. They debate policy and standards and the odd number means that there's never a hung vote.
The government, in the interests of maintaining the integrity of the police and the non-interference of political parties, are replacing this committee of 17 good people with a committee of... 1.
One police commissioner will have the power to hire and fire Chief Constables, amongst other important things.
Now, to keep it all fair and above board, anyone can stand for election as a commissioner. Anyone with £5,000 to spend on the deposit, that is.
But oh, hang on, what's this? If you're a serving MP, as in a Member of Parliament, as in a serving party political politician, you only have to pay £500. Which you don't really have to pay, your party pays it for you.
OK, so a politician pays £500 and an ordinary pillar of the local community pays £5,000.
On top of that, the government has levelled the playing field by limiting how much the candidates can spend on advertising. £100,000.
That's quite a lot of money for an independent candidate to spend on advertising, isn't it?
But a drop in the ocean for a main political party.
I say we vote to get rid of democracy. It's all a con anyway.
Wednesday, 7 November 2012
Friday, 2 November 2012
Tuesday, 30 October 2012
Why does it seem so long since the last series?
Well, obviously because they had to allow enough time for a new bunch of feckless square-eyed hopefuls to become famous enough to qualify as celebrities. Because let's face it, if your career wasn't in the toilet, why would you bother?
Honestly, with her looks, talent and intellect, her breath should really be the least of her worries...
Sunday, 21 October 2012
Tuesday, 17 July 2012
Does this mean that the athletes from the competing nations will be living off a feast of chipboard, burgers and fizzy pop for the period of the games?
No. It means that you, the average people of Britain and the World will only be permitted to eat and drink crap while you are inside the Olympic area. Which is everywhere.
The British government has even passed a law that protects the use of the Olympic logo. Good old trademark law wasn't enough, we had to have a brand new law protecting the advertising revenues of the Olympic organisers. Rapists and child molesters are walking the streets, looking through your bedroom windows and photographing your children through the school gates because the government was too busy passing a law to satisfy McDonald's marketing department to look at all the other, low priority laws that need their attention. Sorry, I was channelling the spirit of the Daily Mail for a moment there.
However, bear in mind that this law is absolutely fine, the government says (on Radio 4's Today this morning) because no-one has been sent to prison yet. It's not an infringement of our rights to prohibit us from showing our support for the Olympics in any way that we bloody well want unless we buy the officially endorsed flags, face paints and assorted crap that will festoon every car, house and small child up and down the country because no-one has actually been prosecuted yet. Well that's OK then. The government's QUANGO, LOCOG, is responsible for policing any infringements of the Olympic committee's intellectual property. The alternative title of this blog post is therefore "You've been Quango'd".
Would you believe that a butcher who had arranged sausages in his shop window in the shape of the Olympic rings was told to remove them? The reason being that he was not a sponsor of the Olympics and was therefore using the logo illegally. Hang on - maybe he was advertising Olympic Airlines who have the same logo? No, his was not the official sausage of the Olympic games. AS IF ANYONE WOULD THINK IT WAS!!!
Which is more likely; I buy some sausages purely because I am influenced by the Olympic logo in my desperate need to give more money to multinational crap merchants, or a local retailer shows his support and inspires his community to do likewise?
LOCOG has published a list of words which must not be used. Olympic, Games, 2012, Gold, Silver, Bronze, to name but a few. Now let's be reasonable. I don't want to see illegal fly pitchers outside the Olympic village selling genuine 100 carat gold replica Olympic medals. That's quite reasonable. But why is the Olympics special? Why should the Olympics get any more protection than any other trademark? And why are we paying through the nose for it? Oh yes, because the Olympics will bring jobs to Britain. Such as jobs for security guards. Which the Army and Police end up taking over, costing.... US! Again!
If the people of Britain want to show our support for the Olympics, we can do it the good old fashioned British way, by BUYING the fine products of the sponsors of the games, by BUYING the Olympic torch that those sponsors BOUGHT to give away as prizes and sales incentives, by BUYING tickets to the games, by BUYING the overpriced unhealthy crap that is sold within the Olympic areas, by PAYING FOR the right to park a boat in the sea off the Dorset coast because the council have erected concrete barriers so people can't stand on the beach and watch the sailing for free instead of PAYING to get into the Olympic area.
I tell you what, there's no way we're hosting it next year...
Monday, 25 June 2012
According to the 'Stop the extradition of Richard O'Dwyer to the USA' petition:
O'Dwyer is not a US citizen, he's lived in the UK all his life, his site was not hosted there, and most of his users were not from the US. America is trying to prosecute a UK citizen for an alleged crime which took place on UK soil.
Now then, here's the problem. O'Dwyer did not infringe copyright, he merely provided links to copyrighted content. If there was a stall on your local market selling fake Rolex watches and counterfeit DVDs then you'd be prosecuted for knowing where it was. In George Orwell's '1984', that's called a Thought Crime.
Democracy is based on, amongst other things, the fundamental principles of freedom of information and freedom of speech. We have the right to know what our government is up to, and we have the right to disagree with it. The Yanks bang on about democracy, but what they want is conditional democracy; freedom on the condition that we only do and say things that they like and which earn their corporations lots of money.
If the US media industry wants to protect its profits, it needs to attack the people who are making illegal copies of films and music in the first place. Except it can't, because they're everywhere. I might be one of these cyber-criminals. You might. You might have downloaded some music, or copied a CD to listen to in the car, or copied a DVD for a friend. Or you might be the ringleader of an International counterfeit DVD operation. But no-one knows. So the Yanks take the easy route; attack the people they can find, no matter how loosely connected to the problem they may be, and bully them. They figure that if they cut off the communication channels, the supply will stop. Just like their policy on drugs. And guns. And alcohol. Let's face it, the American's aren't really in the best place to lecture the world on moral principles, are they?
So the threat to democracy is this: When you punish criminals by shooting the messenger, you don't stop crime, you just create a police state. Do you want to live in a world where you can be arrested just for knowing where you can buy a stolen car stereo? Where you can go to jail just for telling someone where they can get cheap DVDs?
On BBC Radio 4 this morning, they were talking about England's predictable exit from the football competition, lamenting the expertise of other countries' national teams in kicking the ball around. Last week, an expert on the subject said that it's inevitable that England won't make it very far in the competition because we're not actually very good at football, even though we like to think we are. We don't only hope to win, we expect it, and when we fail, we go and kick the rival fans' heads in as mark of our indignation. But why is this? Well, go to any village in Spain, Mexico, Italy and so on, and what are the kids doing in the streets? Playing football, doing tricks with the ball, becoming as adept at handling the ball as a baby penguin becomes at flying through water. Visit any English town or village and what do you see the kids doing? Rapping, skateboarding and hanging' with their homies and honeez.
Sadly, we are closer to America, culturally, than we are to Europe. It's no wonder, America is our adolescent child, growing up at last and trying to break free from our traditions. And like a middle aged parent trying to 'get with the kids' by pretending to like rap music and crap food, we actually give a damn what the American courts want us to do.
Sign the petition and play your part in protecting true democracy.