Wednesday, 29 December 2010

Wonga!

Two consecutive TV adverts today mentioning wonga. How crude.

One features a fat man poking his head through the screen, shouting, "Wonga!"

The other is for short term cash loans. It's fantastic! They won an award! Tide you over until pay day! Or until you can get a new pack of tights and a sawn-off!

Borrow up to £1,000 for 31 days. For example, borrow £120 for 9 days and it costs you only £16! Bargain! You can't fall off!

Hang on though... what's the small print? 2689% APR

A credit card is about 16.9%

Over two thousand percent!

So after telling people to avoid loan sharks for all this time, the government have obviously now changed their mind... as long as they can do it all legit, so that the government get their cut.

Watch out, John Prescott will be round to repossess your TV if you don't pay up.

Saturday, 25 December 2010

The Queen's Speech

Our sovereign, Her Majesty the Queen the Second, has addressed the nation today, so we thought that you would like to read our thoughts.

At this time of year it is traditional for the Queen to take five minutes away from plucking swans and shooting peasants, we mean pheasants, to remind us all that we are not free citizens of a democracy but the Monarchy's loyal subjects.

HMS Windsor's theme this week was sport. Or the bible. Or the history of the Monarchy. Or choir boys. Or our wonderful royal princelinesses prancing around in rugger shirts cos they're proper regular lads of the realm not isolated ponces who have no clue about the lives of ordinary folk like us. We often pop over to Africa for a rugger match with the local kids there.

Cintless thisands of people give up their time each week to play sports, and sport and games can teach important social skills, such as bribery, fighting and sacking the manager.

Not only do people compete in sports but they orften find that they like each other too. I wish the same could be said of the Royal family.

Her Majesticness's love of sport was apparent, not from her convincing and heartfelt message but from the fact that she was absent-mindedly watching a tennis match while talking to the nation. Cool multitasking.

And out of her 5 minutes, about 3 was taken up with choirs singing, people getting medals and lords-a-leaping. And Prince Andrew patronising some legless golfers.

And so we wish you and the people you care about a very Merry Christmas.

Anyone you don't care about, like tramps and foreigners, can get stuffed.

Merry Christmas!

Wednesday, 22 December 2010

What if?

What if Liz had not been fired earlier? She certainly would have been a tough contender in the interviews. Stuart blagged his way out of the firing line because his empassioned 'mini me' speech bought a tear to his Lordliness' eye.

But if Al had seen through Baggs' blag, and the interview line up had included Liz and not Stuart, then what a tough decision that would have been.

That would have meant having to choose the final two out of Stella, Chris and Liz.

A very difficult choice. It's a good job it wasn't fixed that way to make the interview process easier, isn't it?

Urbon warrior

As soon as Stella had the inspirational idea to call her drink, 'Urbon', we said, "She's just won it". And Dara said that same thing in the post-final autopsy.

Unfortunately, Stella didn't exactly have the idea all by herself. It appeared to be closely related to the one that Joanne had, about five seconds before Stella thought of it.

Ah well, at this stage of the game, it's no longer about winning. It's all about making sure your manager wins.

Finally, The Apprentice has become a model of corporate life. It's no longer every man for himself, fighting over every sales commission and good idea. Now, every good idea belongs to the boss and all that matters is being on the winning team so that your boss can get the credit and the job that they want.

Maybe that's why Stella got the job?

Although she was often criticised for her corporate starchiness, we think that Lord Sugar is being a bit optimistic if he thinks that Amsburger is not a corporate empire. Yes, he likes innovative people, who doesn't? And we've never met anyone yet who didn't say that their company is entrepreneurial and different and creative and unique. But make no mistake, Alan Michael Sugar Trading and its collected subsidiaries is a big company, and that means big company culture. Maybe not as rigid as a Japanese bank, but it still has its own ingrained culture.

Alan was hardly the model of entrepreneurial flair during Stella's interview. His jokes were awful, his manner flat and his insights shallow. Maybe he couldn't be bothered to make the effort, now that his political career is on the up. Or maybe he just didn't like it when Dara turned his back on him. It was a strange seating arrangement, though.

Here are the main points of the rival's attempts to win their dream TV career, erm, we mean job.


ChrisStella
Name Cube, no, PrismUrbon
Looks like After shaveOlive oil
Sounds likeA new ToyotaA factory made into a block of flats
Tastes likeCheap perfumeSick
AdvertCheesy man thanks the Lord that the drink has 3 ingredientsScooby and Shaggy buy Daphne and Velma a drink
Dance routineNine ladies dancingTen lords a-leaping
Pitch Vibrant and evocativePosh booze for city folk
Punchline Reflects every side of youVote for me!
Selling pointLooks good on the barCan't tell if it's for girls or boys
Downside The bottle could kill youCan't tell if it's for girls or boys

Yes, as soon as Stella or Joanne or somebody came up with the name, Urbon was the winner. With a good name, everything else follows. Whereas Chris was trying desperately to shoehorn everything together, all because a man in an off licence didn't like the name 'Cube'

Chris was upset that Liz and Slap-happy came back with a pink drink, and yes, we do think that clear would have been nice, but it would also have made the bottle look nondescript on a bar shelf, and that was the one redeeming feature of the product. However, boys don't drink pink, regardless of what Liz says. She was a top salesperson, remember?

Besides, Chris wanted pomegranate flavour, and pomegranates are, well, pink.

Who should have won? It makes no difference really. Alan Sugar as good as made Chris a job offer on live TV. It reminded us of last year's final when the runner-up, Kate Walsh, claimed that Sir Alan Sugar wanted to hire her too but BBC red tape wouldn't let him. Those nasty bureaucrats.

Adrian Chiles interviewed Sir Alan about his decision, who said:

'Kate will be fine, I have no concerns about Kate, and I've given her my private email address and my phone number and told her that she can call me 24/7 if she needs any advice'

24/7? How nice for her. Honestly, if you do want to give out your private contact details to young girls, don't announce the fact on live national TV.

And don't forget that Kate had a brief romance with one of the other contestants, just to make sure that she was the cat amongst the pigeons in the penthouse.

As Adrian Chiles says in his blog, "she wasn't mourning for him once he'd left, was she?".

So what did Kate get out of being runner-up? Maximum publicity, Sir Alan Sugar's private email address and of course she doesn't actually have to work for him (as the winner does). All of the benefits of being on the show with none of the downsides.

What's Kate doing now? You remember Kate, the gobby Brummie who had the fling with Phil the estate agent from Newcastle in order to further her chances. Last we heard, she's one of the hosts on some TV chat show or other.

Whereas the winner? Go on, ten points if you can remember who won last year. No? Yasmina. Still not ring a bell? She works for Amscreen, selling televisions to doctors. Pregnant by a work colleague, apparently. Father had 3 wives at the same time, apparently. She worked alongside previous winner Lee McQueen. No? He just left to become a self employed sales trainer and gob on a stick.

Once again, The Apprentice is far closer to CassetteBoy's parody than to real life. The contestants really are there to further some sort of TV career. Get your mug on TV, play the game, answer the tiebreaker and take part in the celebrity showdown.

Stella now works for Viglen. We hope she's very happy as a product manager. What is this wonderful opportunity? It means that she looks after the marketing for new computers. She orders brochures, sets prices, organises trade shows, gives presentations to the sales teams, answers technical questions. That kind of thing. A far cry from creating a premium alcoholic drink for the over 25 market. Or buying truffles in Knightsbridge.

However, Chris has something far more valuable - a job offer, made live on national TV, from Lord Sugar himself. Is anyone going to turn Chris away now?

The only thing that Chris has to worry about now is deciding where he wants to work.

It has turned out, once again, that every cloud has a sugared lining.

A man who knows his onions.... oh wait, that might be a shallot

Gordon advised Alan that Stuart really knew his stuff, technically, and there might be a place for him in Amstrad. Figuring out user manuals for video recorders, perhaps.

The odd thing is that Gordon, in the interview with Stuart, quizzed the one man brand on whether he was fully licensed or not. It turned out that the answer was 'yes' in the context of 'Stuart's fantasy world' but 'no' in the context of 'Gordon's question'.

That in itself wasn't terribly odd, as Stuart has not exactly been a role model for integrity.

What was odd is that Gordon said that Stuart has a license to operate as an ISP. He knows what that means too. It means 'Internet Service Protocol', which is a communication format used in the Internet. Stuart nodded in delighted agreement. 'Yes, that's right' he eagerly chirped. He was so excited to find someone who could speak his techie language. Someone on his wavelength.

We thought that Gordon was just testing Stuart, saying something deliberately wrong to see how Stuart would react. But, astoundingly, no. Gordon really did appear to think that ISP means Internet Service Protocol, which it doesn't.

An ISP is an Internet Service Provider, a company that provides Internet services.

IP is Internet Protocol, a language used by computers to communicate over the Internet.

We suppose it's easy to confuse the two. It's like getting oil and a boil mixed up and putting the contents of the wrong one on your salad.

For a start, Stuart is 21. You'd expect him to be able to work an iphone and change the time on his microwave. That's what young boys with too much time on their hands, playing video games, are good at. It's no reason to hire one on £100,000 a year, though.

Gordon, we know what an ISP is. Can we have a job?

Wednesday, 15 December 2010

Official: Stuart Baggs wants to be a fish

Stuart says that his ridiculous comments such as...
  • The only thing that intimidates me is someone like me
  • I'm a big fish in a small pond (to which Claude replied, "You're not even a fish!)
  • I have to reign in my extreme masculinity
  • I'm Stuart Baggs the brand
  • Where's my spoon?!
...are actually just his humour, a strategy designed to dissipate stress. He is a straight up guy really, who doesn't take himself seriously and if you think that he's an annoying, irritating pratt, it's because you're trying to view him through a corporate filter, and he's quite unusual.

He always promised to work 24/7 but in every program he was the one peering out from under his duvet, groaning, "I don't want to go to school today!" Poor little kitten, he must have been up all night having fantastic ideas.

Karen Brady thinks that he will achieve anything that he wants in life. Fortunately, that involves him being in a pond.... face down?

Wherever I hang my head... that's my home

Joanne was so happy that Lord Sugar told her to leave with her head held high. "So that's what I done. And I took it home."

A good thing too, otherwise she would have nowhere to hang her pinny.

Tell us why you're the right candidate for this job...

It's interview time...

We're writing this live as we watch the show, so who's it going to be this week? Three candidates are leaving.

Some time ago, we said to each other that there are basically two types of contestant on The Apprentice; people who want to use the program to get their face on TV and people who see the competition as an escape route from their current situation. So the interview process weeds out the rare contestants who actually do want the job.

What it boils down to for this task is... who is not what they seem?

We reckon that, on that basis, Stuart and Jamie are definitely out. Chris is in. Which one of the girls? Could go either way. Both honest and professional, Stella more corporate, Joanne more entrepreneurial.

Not all of the contestants quite live up to the professional image they portray. Christopher was in trouble for firearms offences and fraud, Liz has starred in her own porn video and Joanne called a taxi driver a f*&$#@*g paki and knocked his tooth out. Stuart even went along to the Isle Of Man's Junior Chamber of Commerce Christmas drinks evening last week. Looooseeeerrrrr! Who let him in?

So let's see what pearls the interviewers can dig out of this bunch of swine.

Stuart made a 'defamatory statement' about a business rival by saying they had gone bust, and explained this by saying that he is a man of integrity. But you lied. Yes but I'm honest. I'm an honest liar. Somebody push him in the canal!

Joanne didn't know what companies Alan owns. She thought maybe Viggilen, or Vijlen, or Viglen. They sell computers. Maybe Amstrad. What about Amsummers?

Margaret accused Chris of bragging. Chris pointed out that he was in the top 5 students in the country for Theology, with a first class honours degree. 1:0 to Chris.

Claude accused Chris of being a quitter. He tried to fluster Chris, but Chris kept his cool and we think Claude looked quite impressed. 2:0 to Chris.

Jamie claimed to be solely responsible for sales, while his business partner disagreed. If he's an amazing salesman and could sell anything, why is his company only breaking even? Jamie said 'erm' a lot. Gordon accused Jamie of looking for an escape chute from his own failed business. As we said, some of the candidates see game shows like this as a form of winning the lottery, a way out of an unsatisfactory life.

Stuart wants to be Lord Sugar's business partner. Claude was quite riled by the one man brand. He said that he's going to work 24/7. He has hundreds of ideas buzzing round his head all the time. One of them is a device to help you find a cat. We just invented a device to find a cat too. It's a bowl of cat food.

Anyway, why would a cat need GPS? The cat is exactly where it wants to be. That's what makes it a cat.

So based on who are the more genuine candidates, it's not looking good for Jamie and Stuart. Stuart says that his company, BlueWave, is a licensed operator. Gordon asked Stuart if that was true. Stuart said yes. But Gordon had spoken to the telecoms regulator of the Isle of Man, who said that no, BlueWave is not licensed. You see, licensed means that the operator can provide voice services. And they can't. They're an ISP, supplying broadband. And anyone can do that. We could do it. So Stuart was lying? No, he was telling the truth 'within a context'. Yes, the context of fairy land.

"I am a key cog in a wheel... in a wheel... any wheel... I'm a key cog... really?" rambled Jamie. Jamie's putting in 99% of the effort and all his partner does is pick clients up from the hotel. Let me explain. No, let me explain. No, if I can just explain. Jamie's just a gobby opportunist who talked his way into a business partnership and now reckons he does all the hard work.

Stuart was quite rattled by the interview. Having tried to lie his way out of the interview, now he's trying to lie his way out of the argument with Lord Sugar, who told Stuart that he's full of shit. Strong words. Especially after Liz left last week. Alan is annoyed that he allowed himself to be conned by Stuart.

Stuart, you're fired.

Saints be praised!!!

What we're particularly happy about is not just Stuart being fired but him being revealed as a weasly little lying git who would raid his grandmother's life savings to promote himself. We would like for him to never work again, at least on this side of McDonald's counter.

Joanne's next, because Alan can't see where she would fit into his organisation. Well, behind a Hoover, obviously, because Alan suggested she make a go of her cleaning business. She leaves with her head held high.

Stella is in the final.

Jamie, you're fired. Yes!

So it's Chris and Stella to look forward to next week, trying to herd the gang of buffoons who are the fired contestants who will presumably come back to sabotage, we mean support, the finalists in the finality of the final.

And then, after Sunday's final, either Chris or Stella will be assured of a fantastic career ahead of them with opportunities galore and their wildest dreams brought to life.

The other will get to work for Amstrad.

Monday, 13 December 2010

Who would you give your marketing budget to? An Internet marketing expert or a bug munching celebrity?


As you may or may not know, we recently coined 'The Fry' as the standard unit of Internet authority.

But who should you spend your marketing budget with?

Is it a self-proclaimed Internet marketing expert or someone who is famous for eating giant caterpillars?

These marketing gurus all claim to be able to skyrocket your business to massive growth potential. They claim social media such as Twitter to be the latest and greatest new way that they are going to put your business on the map. And they claim to be experts in using Twitter to KO your competition and boost your profits to stratospheric levels. They even have photos of themselves standing next to sports cars and boats, just to prove it all works.

First, let's check out our sell-ebrities' Fry ratings...
Celeb Fry rating
Aggro 2.8
Alison 5.8
Britt 7.1
Dom 33.3
Gillian 8.8
Jenny 9.8
Kayla 4.1
Lembit 6.7
Linford 3.7
Nigel 0.13
Shaun 2.0
Sheryl 0.15
Stacey 114.0
What about Internet marketers? Here are the top ten, according to their Google rank for the search phrase "Internet marketing expert".

Remember, a negative rating means that they contribute anti-news. They actively reduce the amount of interesting information in the world.
Ex-spurt Fry ratingSays
Mark Attwood 0.55"I regularly get feedback from our students that we have literally “changed their life” with what we teach! .... yeah, they have much less money now
Terry Bains N/A"Hi It’s Terry Bains here. I hope you like my new Internet Marketing Blog."... no we don't. Terry doesn't even have a Twitter account, anyway
Chad Pollitt 0.05"Chad Pollitt has harnessed the power of internet marketing for more than 80 companies and organizations while amassing over $10 million in client ROI with Search Engine Optimization alone." ... Wow! Chad is an ex-soldier, having served in 'Operation Invade a Foreign Country'. He was decorated. Now he's magnolia with a floral border.
Gary Brewer 0.03"President of an Internet Marketing company"... aren't we all? He invites his cat to the board meeting to make the numbers up...
Keith Dougherty -0.07"the perfect choice to help you make the turnaround in life or business. Best of all, Keith has a spirit and a heart."... We were really looking for someone with all of their vital organs...
Brian Hancock 0.16"uses over 12 years of Internet Marketing experience to make other people money"... yeah, other people. Not you.
Dave Conklin 0.05"other people seem to think I may be an alien life form or something" ... why would they think that? Do the antennae give it away?
Javier Ramos -0.07"My wife and I are very happy and excited for the future and the goals we are accomplishing and the financial freedom we’re obtaining"... how nice for you...
Trent Brownrigg0.04"you are always invited to make money with me!" ... or stand there and watch me make it... from you!
Jed Wylie 0.05"I live and work in the heart of the beautiful forest of Cannock Chase" Yeah, we know Cannock Chase. Dead coal mines, grey houses and grey faces. The classy people shop at Poundland. Nice.
Michael Tasner -0.09"His true specialty is his mastery of the Internet as a complete tool"... we're speechless...
Paul Moran 0.3"THERE IS ONLY ONE PAUL MORAN. All other Paul Morans are imposters!"... Bah! Foiled again!
Ewen Chia 0.05"While I'm better known as a world-famous author, speaker and internet marketing guru, this blog has nothing to do with those topics." ... of course not, why would it?
What can we deduce from these remarkable discoveries? Well, 8 out of the top 10 Internet marketing experts are less important, less valuable and contribute less information than even the most media hostile of our jungle celebrities.

The other two? The second most valuable expert rates roughly equal with an ex-footballer's ex-wife.

And the number one Internet marketing expert?

Left in the dust by 11 out of the 13 jungle celebs.

But wait, we hear you say. There are 13 experts listed above. Well, the top ten in the list are 'Internet marketing experts'. The final three? They are the top three people who come up in a Google search for 'Internet marketing guru'.

According to dictionary.com, and 'expert' is "a person who has special skill or knowledge in some particular field", whereas a 'guru' is "an intellectual or spiritual guide or leader, a leader in a particular field". 

If we wanted some Internet marketing, would we give our hard earned cash to an Internet marketing expert? Or Aggro Santos?

A bona fide guru, though? Well, one of our self-proclaimed gurus just noses ahead of the kind faced young rapper, so we would have to look to Linford to give our top guru a clean pair of heels.

So who should you spend your marketing budget with? Someone who reckons they know all about social media, or someone whose opinion is actually worth something?

Let's have a bush tucker trial to find out...

Has Stuart Bagged it?

Stuart Baggs, the self proclaimed queen of the universe and one man brand, is apparently a telecoms millionaire at the age of 21.

Now, either he has achieved this in complete secrecy, or he has been looking in the mirror, snarling, "You're a tiger!" at his own reflection and mistaking himself for Peter Jones again.

Why?

Google "Stuart Baggs" and see what happens.

Nothing.

For such a rampant self publicist, he is veeeeery quite on the Internet. How can this be?

We've been checking out the contestants' Twitter authorities, and found that not many of them have Twitter accounts, so presumably they have some kind of gagging clause in their contract until after the final is aired. Because, of course, they all knew who won The Apprentice many months ago. That's why you can't place a bet on it at the bookies.

Why wouldn't Stuart have an obvious website for his telecoms company? Social media profiles? Etcetera, etcetera?

Because he has already won.

Sunday, 12 December 2010

Oh... that's who he is

We saw a documentary about Take That's return, and half way through, a tramp in a shell suit shuffled in to the recording studio and chatted to the lads for a bit before shuffling out. We thought, "Who was that tramp? What was he doing in the studio?"

Piers Morgan held the answer for us tonight.

It was Elton John.

He says that if he had David in his life and his friends then he could just go away and live a very simple life. He would like to just buy a caravan somewhere, but it's gone too far, he's too famous.

Believe us, Elton, you could walk down any High Street in glorious anonymity. No-one would recognise you.

The reality? He wants to be recognised, of course.

X Factor - Finally over

We think we have finally figured out what is going on - the judges are as tone deaf as the contestants.

A woman in Essex made a pizza shaped like Matt's face, and Stacey Solomon said it was the most beautiful pizza she'd ever seen. We think Pizza Hut should start a new line in celebrity face pizzas. I'll have a 10 inch Gillian McKeith please, with the hidden spices in the base and the mealworm topping. And also a 6 inch Gordon Ramsay. Oh no, wait, that's not a pizza, that actually is his face.

Anyway, Matt warbled and wailed. He was as sharp as our wit. And we don't mean sharp as in spot on, we mean sharp as in woefully out of tune.

Did the judges pick up on this? It was all over Matt's face, he knew his performance was shocking. No. They all thought he was fantastic. Again. Everybody's fantastic. Everyone's a winner.

Cheryl said that no other man would sing the women's songs that Matt has attempted. There's a reason for that. It's because men sing like men, and ladies sing like ladies. Ladies don't sing, "I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK" and men don't sing,  "And Iiiiiiiiiii will always love yoooooooooooooooou". Matt isn't brave to sing a girl's song. It's because he's got an out of tune, high pitched whiny voice. But who knows, that might be the latest fashion amongst today's pop pickers.

We don't think his case was helped by making him sing with Ronald McDonald who towered over him in those big clown shoes and that big red wig.

One Direction unfortunately got lumbered with the pub drunk, a fate last bestowed on Olly last year, and look what happened to him. He was forced to sing a stupid reggae version of Barney's 'I love you, you love me' wearing a pork pie hat. Poor boy. We're sure the call centre has kept his chair warm.

In the final, Robbie's four new minders turned up to haul him off. "Come on, Robbie, time to go home. Your nurse will be worrying about you". Honestly, Cruella De Ville is more of a team player, and better dressed too.

Somebody off Coro was in Doncaster, and the crowd there were cheering for someone, but it was too noisy and her voice too whiny and grating for us to figure out who.

Rebecca may have sang a song, it was hard to tell. It could have been a shop dummy. In the opening song, she was waving her arms up and down like a Nan at a disco, trying to dance to Agadoo by copying everyone else, so her arms are up when everyone else's are down and she stands there with a look on her face as if she should be enjoying herself but isn't quite sure what's going on.

Of course, the judges think she's fantastic, and we should all ring up and vote. Vote for everyone! They're all wonderful!

Somebody called Colleen Rooney in Liverpule said, "That's what we call the X Factor here in Liverpule!" Yeah, that's what we call it here too, luv.

Week after week, the judges were nasty to Wagner, saying that they couldn't understand why the public kept voting for him. They even accused someone of trying to derail the show by block voting for Wagner. But hang on a minute, who put him through from the first audition?

Then, after making fun of the really bad acts, they had them all back on to sing together in one big congealed lump of wailing, just so we can all mock them some more. And who says it isn't a freak show?

At some point we can look forward to all of the contestants coming back on stage for one big knees up. Really, we don't think there will be any difference between that and the rubbish ones.

Now it's time for Leery to announce the first round of phone vote money laundering. Matt does his best Johnny Vegas impression.



Johnny Vegas


Matt Cardle

The second act through to the finale? Rebecca.

Right, so let's vote out the sweet faced, musical, talented, in tune group and put through a whiny, grating boy who can't sing in tune, and a whiny grating girl with a voice like Manuka honey. One spoonful and you think, "Ooh! That's different!", two spoonfuls and you think, "No, actually, it's quite sickly". Three spoonfuls and you get to see your breakfast all over again. And all over your shoes.

We think that, career wise, it's better for someone to not win the X Factor. They get all the PR with none of the contrived manufacturing of a winner. We hope they will go far, they deserve to.

It's definitely fixed. Why? Well, last week, they put Mary and Cher in the bottom two sing-off. Mary could out sing most of the other contestants, so it was a liability to have her in the final. She wiped the floor with Cher, but the judges obviously heard something that we didn't. The sound of a cash register, we think.

So now the group who should have won are out, leaving the bookie's favourite, Matt, and Rebecca. So, conveniently, Matt doesn't have any competition. But let's have another phone vote anyway, just in case Simon Cowell's wallet has any space left in it.

This year, they get their own single. Last year, the two finalists, Lil' Joe and Olly, had to sing the same song, which was conveniently written in a key that suited Lil' Joe's vocal range, but was way too high for gruff ol' Olly.

This year, Matt gets a, "I'm great, believe in me, vote for me and I'll come round your house with presents" song. A big screeching finish that suits Matt right down to the ground. Which judging from his song with Rhianna, isn't very far.

An old lady in Colchester says, "Matt, Essex is behind you!" Yes, you are right, old lady, within 12 months Matt will deny that he every lived there.

Now it's Rebecca's turn to warble for England. "I'm just a dreamer", she wails. Yes, Rebecca, you can only dream of winning.

Colleen back in Liverpule asked two girls for their views. We think that their incomprehensible babble contained the word 'win' somewhere near the end. Then a man in a red glittery cowboy hat added his encouragement. Come on Rebecca. Encouragement from a man in a red glittery cowboy hat. Isn't that worth pulling your finger out for?

To be fair, Rebecca's performances are in tune. It's just that the X Factor isn't fair.

What now? Oh Jesus, the pub drunk has staggered back in. Look at his face. Smug gimp. He's using them, he's swaggering round like the star of the show. Don't get us wrong, we like many of his songs, he's just too much of a smug, attention seeking, selfish twat. And he has to shout, "Come on!" It's not a football match, you lout. And while Leery is talking to Howard and/or Jason, he starts chanting "Wagner! Wagner!". And then he wanders off and says hello to all the judges! The elephant on Blue Peter was better behaved.

What the hell is wrong with you people? Why are you buying his records? Why haven't Take That trusted their instincts not to rely on him? It will end in tears, mark our words. Mark them well. Beware the Ides of March.

Votes made after the closing time won't be counted but may still be charged. That's 'may' as in 'will' because, while we have the technology to handle millions of incoming phone votes and count them instantly and precisely, we're a bit hazy on when exactly we'll close the vote, and when, at a later time, we will stop charging you. Just don't say we didn't warn you.

The lines are closed and the vote is in. Here's a funny thing, Matt was supposedly a decorator. Matt! Geddit? Although apparently he wasn't really a decorator, he has already released an album.

The nation has voted. The winner is....

(Pause for 17 minutes for dramatic effect)

Matt zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

How predictable. How dull.

Poor old Johnny can't believe it. "Thank you all so much from the bottom of my heart, I want to thank all the judges, I'm so happy, and Mrs Evans in Colchester, I'll be round to finish your hallway on Tuesday"

Thursday, 9 December 2010

Apprentice shock - Liz is Hired!!

Although that is cockney rhyming slang for fired, unfortunately.

Big surprise, though.

Stuart showed that he will really scrape the bottom of his moral barrel to make a quick bit of cash. You'd think that Lord Paint the Town (Paint the Town = Brown = Brown Sugar = Sugar, it's rhyming slaiing innit?) would frown on such low tactics, but we think he came over a bit dewey eyed as Stuart got him reminiscing on his own happy childhood, pushing a wheelbarrow full of computers round the mean streets of East London, the city where, according to Jamie the tour guide, the Thames is the second largest river.

Stella pushed for the Cockney Tour but then didn't actually know where anything was, and lost the jellied eels stall. Mind you, Tubby of Tubbys jellied eels looked distinctly bemused when Liz and Stuart asked him to do a gor blimey Mary Poppins impression for the benefit of the tourists. We think he was probably French and it was all way over his head.

However, even though Chris gave away 20% of all profits, he made a smart move because he knew that more tickets were going to be sold through the ticket shop than anywhere else. On top of that, their blue uniforms did make them look like bus conductors, whereas the other team's red uniforms made them look like children's entertainers.

Regardless of who lost, every single one of them made major tactical errors:

Jamie - acted like a spoilt brat and would not listen to Joanne, risking tourists asking for refunds because he didn't actually know anything about the tour.

Chris - failed to find out what the shop's standard commission is and consequently gave the ticket shop 20% of all revenue, not just shop sales.

Joanne - went back to the ticket shop to try and wriggle out of Chris' deal, risking upsetting the manager and making them pull out. Also did an appalling job of managing Jamie.

Stuart - failed to find out the market rate for tickets, set a price so high that the shop knew they wouldn't earn any commission anyway and then just cut prices to make up for it, and resorted to some very sleazy sales tactics. Don't buy anything from this boy.

Stella - ducked out of the hard part of the task but didn't even do her cop-out tour guide Barbie job properly.

Liz - failed to find out the market rate for tickets. Did a smashing sales job as usual, but that doesn't make her an Apprentice.

We were quite surprised by Al's positive comment about Chris' negotiation tactic, which wasn't actually a negotiation tactic at all. He offered a wildly attractive deal and the shop bit his hand off. However, we think that his Lordship saw a spark of genius that could make Chris a serious contender.

We're disappointed that Stuart pulled on Alan's heart strings and is still in the game, because he annoys us immensely. If you see him in the street, give him a smack in the chops from us.

Who would we employ? Chris or Stella.

Chris is solid, direct and mature. He keeps on listening and takes feedback on board.

Stella is shrewd, intelligent and cool. She takes feedback and works hard.


All good qualities.

As for you? You've been merged and acquired.

Tuesday, 7 December 2010

Ex-factor

Poor old Mary Byrne was in tears singing her little heart out in the sing-off, meanwhile Cher Lloyd won't change her singing style for anyone, because she is who she is and people should accept her and she is a unique artist in her own right she's not going to change for anyone and she's special and.... oh, it turns out she can totally change her style if there's a sing-off involved.

And despite Mary's empassioned performance and Cher's pathetic, weak, off-key warbling, the panel of judges voted to boot Mary out on her considerable arse.

Hewey, Dewey and Louie told Mary that she's never going back to her job at Tesco. No way. Not after her fabulous performances, her new found confidence and her taste of the high life. There's no place for Mary on the checkouts. It's the cosmetics counter in Boots for her.

Let's face it, she ain't going to sell the kind of records that Simon Cowell wants to sell, so they've been looking for a way to get her out while not looking like they're biased.

They have mostly achieved this by telling every contestant that they're the best, they'll definitely be in the final, it will be a travesty if they're not, it's their best performance ever, it's the best performance they have ever seen in their entire lives, oh everyone is so so marvellous. How lovely.

They should have Jim Bowen as a judge next year. Great. Smashing. Super.

Top Secret: Announcing brand new series for ITV's 2011 schedule

Following the runaway success of Channel 4's Come Dine With Me, they have announced a few spin off series.

A special edition of the show for cannibals: Come Dine On Me

A version for morbidly obese chefs: Come Dine Around Me

An Australian spin-off: Come Dine Under Me (you have to say it out loud)


We've seen adverts on TV for a new Australian series of Master Chef too.

"Welcome to our first contestant, what are you cooking Bruce?"

"Barbie"

"And our next contestant, what are you cooking, Bruce?"

"Barbie"

Riveting....

Warning!

We found a dangerous looking packet of mustard in a cafe the other day.

As you can see, there is a health warning on the back, stating that the mustard may contain..... mustard.



We know that people always say things seemed bigger when they were children; sweets especially. Wagon Wheels used to be the size of actual wagon wheels.

We remember when the adverts for Topic used to say, "a hazlenut in every bite". Now they're so small, the adverts say, "may contain nuts".

Stacey crowned queen of the jungle 2010!!!!!!!!!!


Hooray. What an anti-climax.

But remember, it's not the winning that matters, it's how entertaining you are along the way. Let's review.

Aggro Not very entertaining. Some people have called him a wimp for escaping from his underground trial. It was pitch black in there, though, so don't be hard on the boy.
Alison Entertaining solely for provoking Shaun.
Britt Not at all entertaining.
Dom Immensely entertaining, thanks to his relentless goading of the other contestants, especially Kayla.
Gillian Most entertaining at first, but we quickly tired of her. We hope not to see her whinging pathetic face on our screen again.
Jenny Immensely entertaining, not because of her stoic attitude to the challenges and her overall good humour but because of her luvvie fit when asked to do what she does for a living. She retired to bed and whined about not being funny. She might as well have cried, "Get my agent on the phone".
Kayla Not at all entertaining, apart from when she was having a paddy and burned her letter. We're sure that she only lasted as long as she did because she was entertaining to a certain segment of society i.e. prison inmates.
Lembit Indirectly entertaining, but only for the exasperation that he caused the other inmates. We mean contestants.
Linford Not at all entertaining, and we do wish he would put the female contestants down for five minutes lest he give ex Olympic athletes a bad name.
Nigel Very entertaining indeed. At first we thought he proved himself to be a good chap, but he actually turned into a bit of a dirty old man and all round luvvie. What a shame they didn't want him in the final line-up. We liked him standing his ground over the electric shocks, but we didn't like him giving in to the producers and returning. We think the others should have walked out in support.We wished some of them had anyway!
Shaun The most entertaining of all. What can we say that hasn't already been said? We enjoyed every minute of Shauns f*&%$£3g stay in the b@$&?#d jungle. What a smashing t#$t. We'd love to have him round for afternoon tea.
Sheryl Not very entertaining, and not a celebrity in any sense of the word that we are familiar with. We saw a celebrity once. Does that qualify us for next year's show?
Stacey The second most entertaining celeb, but not for her bravery or buoyant humour. We found Stacey interesting because she totally contradicted the airhead image that the X Factor producers bestowed upon her and tackled some heavy intellectual arguments around the camp fire, more than holding her own against the likes of Lembit, Linford and Dom, the three alpha male silverbacks of the camp. Ugh! Lembit make fire! Linford gather wood! Dom make jokes!

Friday, 3 December 2010

The last Eclair in the cake shop

Jenny is shocked and delighted to be in the final three, but now it's all over for her.

We think that it's interesting that the celebs who made it furthest are the ones that seem genuinely, well, genuine. They didn't seem to have hidden agendas or games or be all out to win.

Maybe that explains why Aggro (who?) got so far? He did seem like a nice young man.

Oh, scrap that though. It doesn't explain Kayla.

OK, the celebs to bet on next year are:

  1. Ones who seem like genuine people who are prepared to learn from their own personal journey of self discovery
  2. Anyone in a tight swimsuit

So now it's time to vote for your king or queen of the jungle. As we said before, we think it would be more interesting to vote for the king or queen of England.

We predict that the next big reality TV show will be... the royal wedding.

Ladbrokes are already taking bets on who the bridesmaids will be....

Here's one we prepared earlier

Oh My God!

Oh My God!

Oh My God!

That was the general consensus as the celeberitees got back to the hotel. Big rooms, swimming pool, bacon and ice cream awaited them. And a massive tub of Maltesers for Alison, of course.

We saw the crew's dining tent, the transportation, the guides, the hotel and so on and so forth.

We also got a clue that all of the contesterants' families had been at the hotel since the start of the show, ready to wait, tearfully, for their loved ones should they be kicked out at a moment's notice. We did wonder how their families got to the end of the bridge so quickly. It turns out they were there all along.

Who is paying for all that?

You!

Calls may cost considerably more from mobiles, because room service ain't cheap, you know.

Thursday, 2 December 2010

Kayla-la-la-la

Shaun enjoyed worrying goats more than  fannying about in a cape and daft underpants, apparently.

Kayla has to convince Shaun and Stacey that Dom and Jenny have fallen out because Jenny didn't thank Dom for sacrificing his letter from home in favour of Jenny's.

How convenient! Dom's only going to pretend to be upset, of course. Still, it was a handy way for him to vent his resentment that he sacrificed his letter while Kayla's childish dancing directly caused the loss of his letter.

Shaun and Stacey fell for it completely of course. Why? Was it because of Kayla's porky pie skills? We don't know. Maybe it's because they're luvvies and it's more unbelievable that they haven't fallen out over something.

Maybe we should give Kayla more credit. After all, it was her very very firstest ever lie.....

Jenny was so angry that she transformed, right in front of our eyes, into Gillian. She channelled the spirit of Gillian McKeith! We thought the shifty shit sniffer had snuck back into camp!

Stacey's reaction to the treat was "Oooooooohh I love cup-a-soup!" Dom was moved his tears. It was his favourite flavour!

Dom sold his flat in London to Salman Rushdie, apparently. Stacey's reaction was, "Oooh! Who's that?"

He should be on next year's Celebrity...

Now, a while ago, there was a big fuss in the news about Salman Rushdie being in trouble about a book what he wrote.

According to Wikipedia, "In the Muslim community the novel caused great controversy for what many Muslims believed were blasphemous references. As the controversy spread, the book was banned in India and burned in demonstrations in the United Kingdom. In mid-February 1989, following a violent riot against the book in Pakistan, the Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini, Supreme Leader of Iran and a Shi'a Muslim scholar, issued a fatwa calling on all good Muslims to kill Rushdie and his publishers, or to point him out to those who can kill him if they cannot themselves. Or just let us know where he used to live."

Suffice to say that if anyone is still looking for Salman Rushdie, just look in an old London phone book under "Joly, D" and Bob's yer uncle. We thought that, at some point, someone would indeed reveal the secret hideaway of Salman Rushdie, we just didn't think it would be Dom Joly while sitting on a sofa in the backwoods of Austraaaaaaalia on International television.

"You're a tasty bird, but you're a skinny tasty bird". No, Shaun, wasn't talking about the latest bush tucker trial or even the ostrich they had for dinner. He was talking about Stacey. What a charmer!

The second celeeb to go? Might be Jenny, Might be Dom. One or the other. Come on, it was obvious really. And Dom is out.

Dom's gift from home in an earlier treat package was a camera, so we would say that he's planning a book. He figured out that Stacey was favourite (Ladbrokes have her at 1 to 1.33) so he couldn't win, so just get as far as he can. Pity, that will knock a couple of potential chapters off the book.

Another 'celebrity' gone... in the loosest sense of the word

Ant asked Kayla, "What was the worst thing that you had to put in your mouth?"

She said a stick insect....

She's hated the weather for the last few days, it has been too cold for her to take her clothes off. For the last challenge, Dom warned her to wear something sturdy because of the water jets. What did she wear?

Oh! My swimming costume fell off! And the pizza delivery man has just arrived!

Dec said, "We've enjoyed having you and we've loved watching you"

Hmmm....

Iceberg Letters

When ya gooooooo will ya send baaaaaaaaack a letter from Australia

Take a looooooook up the railtrack, it's perfectly safe because all the trains are cancelled due to snow on the line.

Kayla got a load of sympathy from Jenny because she felt it more important to have a paddy and jump up and down than get on with the task and therefore her letter from home got burned. In fact, not hers but hers and Dom's, after Dom legitimately won his but gave Jenny hers instead out of pure kindness.

Shouldn't Jenny have been consoling Dom?

For the record, we don't believe their letters were actually burned. Some copies will mysteriously turn up at some point.

It might be Affro. It might be Kayla.

Who is it going to be? We can't stand the suspense.

Aggro! Who?

At least he can go back home with his head held high and say that he, Aggro (who?) chewed on a Kangaroo's private parts. As he himself said, it's something to tell his grankids about when he's older.

Mommy, is that a Werther's Original that Grandad's chewing?

Wednesday, 1 December 2010

I didn't do it...

Whingy Laura is gone at last. She's been on borrowed time, really.

Her catchphrase is, "If I could have another chance I can prove myself"

If she wants to prove herself so much, she should go and stand in the airing cupboard with a tea towel on her head....

It's always unfair for Laura. Outrageous. Someone else's fault. Everyone else's fault.

The girls' downfall  was truffles. Instead of buying them from a wholesaler, they bought them from a restaurant in Knightsbridge. Smart move. And then, knowing the price should be £2,000 per kg, Laura and Stella negotiated a round £200 for 50g. Now, let me think. £2,000 per 1000g, so for 50g that's erm.... 25... erm... carry the three... hang on a bit.... oh yes. £100. So they paid £100 over the odds, and they lost by £70.

Shame.

But that's not the worst of it. Liz, the PM, told them expressly to call her before agreeing a price. And what did they do? They got all excited and bought the truffle, then called Liz afterwards and told her that they tried to call her but couldn't get through. What fibbers!!!

Laura said that she has never had the chance to speak up for herself. When she was PM for a task, she set a new record for the boardroom - zero orders.

We think she was better off keeping her gob shut.

Try it free today

The TV advert for 'GoToMeeting' starts with a woman saying, "When we want to touch a customer, we use GoToMeeting".

Don't do that. You're invading my personal space.

Tuesday, 30 November 2010

I'm a celebrity... get my clothes out of here

Dom thinks that Kayla is probably very high maintenance in real life. We think she's so high maintenance, she would need a room service every thousand miles.

Kayla and Jenny had to do a soft porn chest challenge, we think that the producers had promised the crew that if Kayla made it to the last 7, they'd put on a swimsuit trial for them.

Jenny and Kayla were so pleased with themselves that they wanted the rest of the gang to wait for them to get cleaned up before answering the questions. Tempers were frayed, and Dom was getting quite short with Kayla. Completely understandable, even we're yelling at her.

Apparently, she asked Jenny what she uses mayonnaise for at home. Well, in the jungle, I put it on cheeseburgers. At home? I use it to oil the door hinges. In the words of the polylexicologist, quizmaster and TV appearer Stephen Fry, "fatuous bint". Although he was talking about Ferne Cotton at the time. But if he's watching this televisual feast of intellectual compost, we think he would say it about Kayla too. Not that we want to put words in his mouth.

They were over the moon to win some cooking spices. But hang on, they've been cooking with spices since the start, thanks to Gillian's knickers! Did the spices in the chest smell familiar?

Kayla has taken over as camp squealer, running up to Linford to cry that she had a leech on her. I guess the camp isn't big enough for two leeches.

At least the stress will mean she needs another massage from Linnie. Not that he enjoys it. Purely medicinal. That must be why he cried when he saw the picture of his daughter - he remembered that his family could see him!

Nice to hear about Shaun's childhood. When he said he'd 'screwed them all' before he was 12, we thought he was talking about Girls Aloud. Turns out he meant Schweppes and Bulmers.

It's still raining in camp. Isn't Australia great!

Aggro has let his hair down at last. We think he's paying tribute to Alison. Now he's Affro Santos. What the hell does he look like? We think he's hoping to scare the bugs away in the next challenge.

So who's out? Kayla... it's not you. Aggro... not you. Linford... might be you....

It's Linford.

And now.... six remain. Who is our money on?

Shaun, Stacey or Jenny,

What we can't figure out is... who on earth is voting for Aggro or Kayla?

If it's you, stop it. It's not clever.

Monday, 29 November 2010

Blocked nose? Sore throat?



Warning: do not take more than 4 Lembits in a 24 hour period.

I'm not a quitter!

Gillian is out..... Saints be praised!!

She said, "I'm not a quitter"... no, she gives up before she even starts.

She's so happy to leave, only because she wants to upstage her fellow inmates who are more happy than she is.

She says to that she didn't see the program before she came on it, so she didn't really know what the trials involved. Yeah right. What a liar. Even if she hadn't seen the show, don't you think she would have signed disclaimers, waivers, contracts, agreements and so on and so forth, during which time everything would have been clearly explained.

Anthony and Declan were itching to tell on her, every time they've spoken to a celebritoid, they've tried to tell them that she just gave up. Bad timing though, because all the celeeebs weren't listening, they were far too preoccupied with the bugs. Their best attempt was with Jenny after her trial, but she just wanted to get a wash and couldn't be bothered with someone who she clearly despises anyway.

"I have a history of fainting, when I stood up my legs turned to jelly and my head started spinning"

Yeah, we felt the same when we had to sit through your whining.

And who left the poo on the seat? Kayla's way off the mark with Dom, don't be fooled by his sniggering. No, all the evidence points to one person. Who would poo on the seat so they could get up and look at it? And who attempted misdirection by saying it probably belonged to someone who had been eating cake. WHAT CAKE?

We're so happy that the public have chewed her up and spat her out at last.

Sunday, 28 November 2010

Ah... Gillian makes amends

Gillian buried the hatchet with Shaun.

She said that her pathetic performance in the bathtub challenge was because she got her period 2 hours before the trial. Hang on, we thought she was pregnant! It's a miracle!

Alison and Kayla take part in the voting scam sing off. Ironic as Kayla hasn't really done a trial yet, and she turned down the tunnel one because it involved bugs. And now they're going to stick bugs in her mouth. Giant, wriggling bugs. With legs and everything.

Still, as a former Playboy model, we're sure she's had worse. At least the giant stick insect won't try to convince her she has a promising career ahead of her.

"Come on! Get it in my mouth!" she shouted at the ranger. Alison was really sweating now, she thought Kayla was going to be a pushover and she could eat all the bugs herself. Then she found out that she had to spit the bugs out and gave up. We think she asked for mayonnaise at one point...

Ant and Dec said that they should hold the giant burrowing cockroach gently in their lips so as not to harm it. And then for the tie-break? A drink of pureed coackroaches.... hang on, didn't that harm them??

No cockroaches have been harmed in the making of this blog... unfortunately.

X factor shock double eviction

X Factor celebrated rock week with some famous rock bands.... or so you'd think. Didn't they have Bon Jovi last year?

Justin Bieber sang and pranced about, and then tried to pick up Cheryl Cole like a teenager trying to chat up his maths teacher. Creepy. Oh wait, he is a teenager.

What world mega rock star appeared next? Someone called Nicole Shirtlifter, apparently off the Pussycat Dolls, who wailed and screeched from within a giant hamster wheel. We think they figured that if they had enough flashing lights, fireworks and she wore a revealing enough outfit, no-one would notice that she couldn't sing.

Dermatitis O'Leery pressed her for her opinion on the contestants and she said, "They're all so special in their own way". How sweet. Everyone's special. We bet she wants to open a boutique and work with children too.

The contesticles then emerged to the tune of the music from the Old Spice advert. How apt. Past it and stinks of sweaty old men.

The problem with X Factor this year is that the judges think that all the acts are fabulous. Look at the feedback. They're all great. We love them all. They're all wonderful. That was the best performance of the night, no the competition. No that was. And that one.

They even think that Wagner is special, in his own way.

One Direction got through. When we first heard their name, we thought it was a Harry Potter porn film. (You have to say it out loud to get it)

Katie out. But apparently she has a US record deal that the producers had to pay to get her out of, so she's all sorted, then.

The last two - Mary or Wagner? Well, you have to ask who will sell more records. We've already got one Susan Boil, we don't need another. So that leaves the people's favourite. And don't complain, you voted for him!

It's a con really. We know that ITV were in trouble a few years back for vote rigging and scamming the public, so they have devised a brilliant new scam. Get people to vote for who they want to save, because they found they got more votes than if the vote was to get contestants out.

Then ignore the bottom two contestosterones' votes and have a sing off, or a bush tucker trial, or an arm wrestle to decide the lucky loser. So if you voted for the loser, and the other one goes, your vote was wasted. It was a big fat scam.

Ah well, there's money involved so it's completely understandable.

As for the winners, where's lil' Joe Elliot's album? Where is Joe Pasquale? Where is Phil Tufnell? There's only one winner in all of these freak shows.

If you voted to keep Wagner in this week, the judges have pocketed your £1, considerably more from mobiles.

The thing about Wagner is that he won't be short of work because he's memorable and willing to make a fool of himself in return for money. Other previous contestants such as Aiden and... erm... that girl, and... erm... anyway, other contestants just aren't memorable. They'll get one gig at the Belle Vue Working Men's Club, Hartlepool, billed as "As seen on TV's X Factor!" and it's back to Morrisons for them. But Wagner? He'll be doing cruse ships, clubs, TV adverts for years to come. He's desperate to be famous and he totally gets the point of shows like X Factor. They're not picking good singers, they're picking malleable puppets whose faces will appear on boys and girls' bedroom walls up and down the land until X Factor 2011 hits our screens and said boys and girls hit the phone lines.

The irony is that out of all of them, Wagner is the real celebrity.

Relight my fire....

Jenny and Stacey's slapstick performance was masterful.

As part of their secret agent mission, they had to put out the fire, so they hatched a dastardly plan to tip a pan of water all over it. Brilliant. Except it didn't put the fire out.

So Jenny, wracked with guilt, managed to get everyone else to leave the camp - their camp - so that she could redeem herself in privacy. Genius.

She even got a cuddle off big ol' lovin' manhandlin' Linford. He's in serious competition with Dermot the Pervot.

Once the coast was clear, she poured a bit more water on the embers to kill the fire altogether. She should have put a note on saying "Gillian did it" and then run off to hide.

Of course, if Lembit had still been in, there's no way he would have let Jenny and Stacey within a 10 yard perimeter of the fire. His fire. His baby. He unleashed his primal instincts all over the camp.

Lembit make fire! Ugh! Fire good!

He's back at the hotel right now, making cave paintings on the bathroom wall.

How many keys?

Here's more evidence of Gillian's lies and manipulation. She floats around in the bubble bath doing absolutely sod all. She can't even count rubber ducks. Shaun, despite hating the cold water (and what man doesn't?) recovered 162 keys.

So we saw all this with our own eyes, including Shaun's completely reasonable language and behaviour. We think we would have accidentally drowned her, so Shaun really is showing super-human patience.

Then she arrives back in camp after some time and whispers "Dom, can you help me with something?" AS IF NO-ONE KNOWS WHAT SHE MEANS!!

Because of course, no-one will have been talking about her will they?

Dom said no. Good boy! So that forced her hand. And then she goes round telling everyone how much abuse she had to suffer from Shaun.

So here's the difference. Shaun sat down and told everyone, all at once, what had happened. He admitted that he should have kept his temper, he was even mad at himself. Everyone understood.

Gillian went round and picked people off one by one, trying to draw them into her lies and manipulation. She tried to get them to feel sorry for her.

Shaun asked her how many keys she got, she said loads. He said how many, she couldn't answer. The number, should she need reminding, was 2 out of 162. Because she's a pathetic, lazy slacker who only knows how to tell your health from your poo. Hmm... I think you've been eating something brown and smelly. Just goes to show how hungry the TV viewing public are for court jesters and freak shows.

And then she goes into the diary room and tells us - the TV crew and viewers - that it was all Shaun's fault.

The dopey crap caressing... oh we're so mad we could spit feathers. She thinks that no-one saw what happened? It was on national television! What riles us most is that she will get loads of media attention when she finally gets kicked out, which she will when the public finally realise that she is not worth the cost of a vote any more. She has ceased to be entertaining. Let's throw her where she belongs.

We get madder and madder writing this, just thinking about her!

We say Shaun for King of the Jungle and Stacey for Queen. And then they should have a royal wedding and upstage that pair of tax sucking horse faced benefit  fraudsters that apparently do so much for the country. How romantic.

The land of milk and spiders

Lots of people want to emigrate to Australia. The weather's fantastic, they can surf all day and there's so much space.

I guess that one of the reasons that somebody set  up a big jungle playground there to sell to corporate team builders and TV producers is to promote Australia as a destination, for holidays and for life.

After all, where else can you have a barbie on the beach on Christmas day? Well, anywhere actually. If you don't mind the icicles.

Where else do you have the Great Barrier Reef, and that big rock that isn't called Ayer's Rock any more, and the wonderful outback where you can get kidnapped, or maybe fake your own kidnapping.

Well, the weather in camp on 'I used to be a celebrity, can I come in?' has been pretty awful, so that's no incentive. It has rained pretty much every day. And don't say 'but it's in a rainforest' because the camp is about 10 miles from Brisbane's Gold Coast tourist resort.

And why on earth would anyone actively choose to live in a country where the wildlife can kill you?? You can get bitten, stung, mauled, eaten and trampled, all before breakfast. And that's just by the Australian women. According to Wikipedia, the Witchetty Grub "is the most important insect food of the desert and was a staple in the diets of Aboriginal women and children". I'll stick to McNuggets thanks. Less nutritious, less tasty but at least they don't try to crawl back out of my stomach.

Yes, we also have to check the toilet before using it, but that's for floaters, not spiders of death.

As for all that space... it's there for a reason. It's shit and no-one wants to live in it.

We're looking out of the window now at a countryside blanketed in crisp white snow. Stick that in your didgeridoo and smoke it.

Saturday, 27 November 2010

One in the eye for Dom

Stacey adds marksman stone throwing skills to her repertoire of amazing abilities. What a shot! Right in Dom's eye!

Dom complained that Stacey could have been more subtle and she pointed out that he's supposed to be Mr Intelligent. He knows they're spies so she's quite likely to need to signal him. Right on!

And let's remember that in his daft opening credits 'turn around and smile for the camera' intro, he is pretending to be James Bond. How apt.

Isn't it funny how, once people are up to something, they try to act normal? The three of them are tip-toeing through camp, thinking, "Don't walk like a spy!"

3 star dining

Aggro (who?) only got 3 stars.

Still, that's plenty for Gillian to have thirds while everyone else goes hungry. After saying that she doesn't eat much.

Shaun called her a lying bullshitter.

Not news to us....

Dermot - presenter, contestant or judge?

What is going on with Dermot? Is he angling for a job as one of next year's judges? He turns up dressed like a bridegroom from 1973 and then argues with Simon about his opinion of the acts, then gives his own opinion. Every week he argues with Simon. Isn't that for the other judges to do?

We're not saying we agree or disagree with the judges, we just think that the presenters should introduce the act and do the interview and leave the judges to judge.

Oooh and he winds us up every time he calls a male contestant 'buddy'. They're not your buddies, you scene stealing gimp.

The female contestants? It's all hugging and kissing. In the early heats, he was backstage group hugging all the girls. Even on his woeful radio show, he's pandering to the ladies. He wa interviewing some singer we've never heard of and telling her how fantastic her grating wailing was.

He should leave the judging to the judges and stick to perving over the female contestants.

What a Wagner

What was Wagner singing tonight? "What am I doing here?"

Yeah, we were wondering the same thing.

We think that Louie is single-handedly voting to keep him in.

Friday, 26 November 2010

Alas poor Opik, for I knew him well

Goodbye Lembit.

No more to say about that, really.

As for Jenny and Alison's Starbugs challenge, how unfair was that? They had to eat far more than Shaun and Gillian did, and Jesus, pureed eyeballs.

At one point, Jenny said, "I've had worse", and we thought she was going to say, "I've had worse in the real Starbucks"!

Yeah, so have we. And £16 for two drinks and two cakes. Crikey.

Alison did well to keep it down, although we did think that she only opted out of eating a couple so no-one would realise that she had volunteered just so she could fill her face.

Gillian's the life and soul of the party now that she's figured out she can just dig her heels in and someone else will bale her out. We bet she wishes she'd figured that out sooner!

Gillian was so pleased to know she was the most Googled of the sell-ebrities. If only she knew why, she might not be so chuffed. You build your TV career on shit, don't be surprised that that's what it turns to.

Would you eat out of Gillian's pants?

Would we bloody hell. And she was so bloody smug about it!!

I think this proves what we've been saying all along. She is a dump diving, attention seeking, lying, cheating nasty piece of work, and the only phobia she has is the fear that no-one is talking about her.

Let's review.

When she starts getting chosen for challenges, we get the wailing and screaming. Lots of attention. Lots of sympathy. Cuddles from Linford.

But the public carried on voting for her, so she had to up the ante. Fainting.

But that didn't work either. So she just plain opted out of the next challenge and lied to cover up her utter pathetic failure. It was too difficult. It didn't work at all. I couldn't get it to work. We couldn't believe that Dom Joly didn't tell the others about her lies, especially as Ant and Dec were just desperate to stir things up. Even Sheryl Gascoine, at her exit interview, didn't bite. We don't think she quite understood what they were trying to tell her, really.

Winning 5 stars with Dom's expert guidance got her off the hook for a while.

The next challenge, Kangaroo Court, she cheated. But she didn't like being caught out, so she made prison as much of a misery for the others as she could.

What next? Singing and dancing! There is absolutely nothing wrong - in a medical sense - with her. No phobias. Just an overpowering and desperate need to manipulate and control the people around her.

When she was finally caught out for smuggling, she took such delight in showing the camera what she was handing in. She was basically sticking her fingers up at the producers and saying, "Ha ha, I got all this past you. I don't care that you caught me, I already got away with it".

And the other contestants, upon hearing that they had been dining on the contents of her pants?

We're sure they'd all rather be eating Kangaroo 'parts'.

Thursday, 25 November 2010

Come Slap With Me

The dinner guest with the face like an angry warthog tried to distract the young French gentleman by shoving her cleavage in his face and promising him a slap that he would look forward to. We're fairly certain from the look on his face that he really wasn't looking forward to it.

What do you call someone who bakes? A baker. What do you call someone who gardens? A gardener. What do you call someone who slaps? You get the picture.

So she went ahead and gave him a little taster, a little pat on the bottom. And you know what? He told her to keep her hands to herself. Good for him.

He said, "this is my space and that is your space". She tried to wrestle back control and save face by saying, "but what's yours is mine", as if, just because she was a woman in a low cut top, she had the right to do whatever she wants. He countered with, "no, it's not", and she tried one last ditch attempt with, "but what's mine is yours!"

Seriously, you can keep it love.

Sexual harassment works both ways, you know.

Wednesday, 24 November 2010

Cannon Fodder

Kelvin MacKenzie said in the post Apprentice autopsy that Stuart Baggs is great and every sales team should have one.

He's right. Not because Stuart is a great salesman but because he's utterly blinded by his own ego and eager to do anything to please his boss, or his father, or priest, or whoever it is he pretends not to be trying to impress.

Every sales team needs a Stuart because he is what is known in the trade as cannon fodder. Give him a sales target, a laptop and a car with alloy wheels and he will throw himself to the lions. When a corporate buyer eats him alive, just shout "next!" and reload.

But still, Stuart's a walking talking real life entrepreneur. He can do it all himself. He doesn't need a team.

He's what we call a 'one man brand'

You've Been Fired At

So poor old Christopher is gone. A shame, a pity, a great loss, but not a surprise. He is the best candidate to run an operation, but Lord Sugar isn't looking for someone to run an operation, he's looking for someone to sell televisions to shops and doctor's surgeries after Lee resigned from that wonderful job.

We predict that Christopher will have some great job offers as a result of his performance on The Apprentice. Why?
  1. He's clearly a great organiser and implementer - he gets things done
  2. He's one of very few people who didn't defend himself in the boardroom by slagging off his colleagues
  3. He's the only candidate so far who sat in the taxi and said he would learn from his experience - the others all said "I don't need Alan Sugar, I'm going to be successful, and I didn't want an ice cream anyway"
And when he appeared on the post show autopsy, he came across as professional and composed. In comparison, Alex and Melissa came across as utter idiots, and the only reason that they need to pursue their entrepreneurial instincts is that we can't see anyone offering them a job after they made utter buffoons of themselves on national TV.

'I'm a great pitcher', lamented Melissa. Meet my nephew, Bubbles the chimp.

The one thing missing from this week's autoposy was 'the one that got away', which in our opinion was.... Jamie. What a git. Turning down the 9:00 meeting because he was too lazy to get out of bed? However, there's no guarantee that they would have won the order, so you can't really blame it all on him.

Let's not overlook the error of Chris who gave the door to door sales half of the task - definitely the toughest half - to two people who are not salesmen - Christopher and Jamie. Unfortunately, while we like Chris a lot, he doesn't have enough sales experience himself to recognise why Jamie and Christopher aren't salesmen. Do you know? Answers on a postcard...

Goodbye Christopher, we think you'll do very well for yourself.

A prediction

Gillian, the dump diva, said that she had never been underwater before in her life.

We predict that the tabloid newspapers will carry stories over the next few days from her ex-classmates, family members and passers by who have seen her frolicking in the ocean, snorkelling in the Med and synchronised swimming at the Seoul Olympics.

She went from being entertaining to aggravating. I suspect that she will become entertaining again as the presenters and other jungle celebs make her even more of a laughing stock than she already is.

And she thinks this is going to be good for her career? I suppose that after sniffing people's secretions for a living, any way is up.

Dom Joly - what a surprise

Keeping his cool and showing absolutely the right way to deal with the screaming, wailing log lover, Dom Joly stood in a flooded lobster cage and calmly said, "Why are you screaming? It's a box?"

When he came into the jungle, we thought that Dom looked a bit of a ponce, but he's surprised us. He got stuck in and took Jenny's advice to treat Gillian like a 10 year old girl to heart. Good show.

The one downside is that thanks to his lack of pandering, she got 5 stars which means that the other sell-ebrities feel bad about slagging her off behind her back. Yes she lied about giving up on the challenge like a pathetic little girl. Yes she cheated and put salt in the food. Yes she's manipulative. Yes she made Stacey cry. Yes she copped out of a challenge by pretending to faint. Yes she tried to tell Shaun what to do. Yes she woke him up in the night with her whinging. Yes she's a blatant attention seeker. But she won us some dinners! A goat's leg! And vegetables!

Oh, how can we tell the faint was fake? Was it the theatrical hand to brow? The gentle collapse onto the floor?

No, much more subtle. It was the way that she warned Dom Joly that she wasn't feeling well. She thought it would be more convincing if she said something beforehand, but what she was actually doing was setting up the con. And the only person she's conning is..... her agent.

Aw... poor old Stacey

Not content with the fame and fortune afforded by last year's X Factor, Stacey Solomon is in the jungle. She has the innocence of a child, the heart of an angel and the nose of a hairy anteater. Cute.

We think that the X Factor's producers did Stacey a major disservice, editing the program to make her appear like a bit of a dope, to be frank.

In the jungle, she has showed her competitors a clean pair of intellectual heels, out-arguing Linford Christie, Dom Joly and others. Go girl! Girl power!

No seriously, respect.

And what happens when Stacey turns her razor sharp intellect and brutal honesty onto Gillian McKeith? Oh, the fainting poo prodder turned nasty, showing her true colours.

She didn't like what Stacey had to say. As Sheryl Gascoine said, the truth hurts. And how did she deal with it? By taking Stacey to one side, in private, which is what manipulative liars do, and telling Stacey that she loves her very much and wants to be her bestest bestest friend, and that it's all Stacey's fault, and she doesn't know what a true phobia is. No Gillian, she might not. And neither do you.

We think Stacey should win. We like her a lot.

Doing a Gillian

Well, at first we felt a bit sorry for Gillian McKeith. What a sorry state. If she had that many phobias she shouldn't have signed up for the program.

Hang on though, she did sign up, and she knew full well what would be happening. So what's going on?

The shit sniffing one trick pony admitted in jail that she is only on the show (I'm a Celebrity, get Gillian out of my living room) to advance her TV career. She said that if she leaves the show her TV career will be over. No Gillian, your TV career will not be over because you voluntarily leave the jungle. It will be over because no-one wants to watch a whinging, lying turd tickler. You have had your 15 minutes, and believe me, if you are happy to be famous for what you're famous for, you've milked it for all you're worth. Well done, but enough is enough.

You're not a celebrity, so get out of there!