Tuesday, 30 November 2010

I'm a celebrity... get my clothes out of here

Dom thinks that Kayla is probably very high maintenance in real life. We think she's so high maintenance, she would need a room service every thousand miles.

Kayla and Jenny had to do a soft porn chest challenge, we think that the producers had promised the crew that if Kayla made it to the last 7, they'd put on a swimsuit trial for them.

Jenny and Kayla were so pleased with themselves that they wanted the rest of the gang to wait for them to get cleaned up before answering the questions. Tempers were frayed, and Dom was getting quite short with Kayla. Completely understandable, even we're yelling at her.

Apparently, she asked Jenny what she uses mayonnaise for at home. Well, in the jungle, I put it on cheeseburgers. At home? I use it to oil the door hinges. In the words of the polylexicologist, quizmaster and TV appearer Stephen Fry, "fatuous bint". Although he was talking about Ferne Cotton at the time. But if he's watching this televisual feast of intellectual compost, we think he would say it about Kayla too. Not that we want to put words in his mouth.

They were over the moon to win some cooking spices. But hang on, they've been cooking with spices since the start, thanks to Gillian's knickers! Did the spices in the chest smell familiar?

Kayla has taken over as camp squealer, running up to Linford to cry that she had a leech on her. I guess the camp isn't big enough for two leeches.

At least the stress will mean she needs another massage from Linnie. Not that he enjoys it. Purely medicinal. That must be why he cried when he saw the picture of his daughter - he remembered that his family could see him!

Nice to hear about Shaun's childhood. When he said he'd 'screwed them all' before he was 12, we thought he was talking about Girls Aloud. Turns out he meant Schweppes and Bulmers.

It's still raining in camp. Isn't Australia great!

Aggro has let his hair down at last. We think he's paying tribute to Alison. Now he's Affro Santos. What the hell does he look like? We think he's hoping to scare the bugs away in the next challenge.

So who's out? Kayla... it's not you. Aggro... not you. Linford... might be you....

It's Linford.

And now.... six remain. Who is our money on?

Shaun, Stacey or Jenny,

What we can't figure out is... who on earth is voting for Aggro or Kayla?

If it's you, stop it. It's not clever.

Monday, 29 November 2010

Blocked nose? Sore throat?

Warning: do not take more than 4 Lembits in a 24 hour period.

I'm not a quitter!

Gillian is out..... Saints be praised!!

She said, "I'm not a quitter"... no, she gives up before she even starts.

She's so happy to leave, only because she wants to upstage her fellow inmates who are more happy than she is.

She says to that she didn't see the program before she came on it, so she didn't really know what the trials involved. Yeah right. What a liar. Even if she hadn't seen the show, don't you think she would have signed disclaimers, waivers, contracts, agreements and so on and so forth, during which time everything would have been clearly explained.

Anthony and Declan were itching to tell on her, every time they've spoken to a celebritoid, they've tried to tell them that she just gave up. Bad timing though, because all the celeeebs weren't listening, they were far too preoccupied with the bugs. Their best attempt was with Jenny after her trial, but she just wanted to get a wash and couldn't be bothered with someone who she clearly despises anyway.

"I have a history of fainting, when I stood up my legs turned to jelly and my head started spinning"

Yeah, we felt the same when we had to sit through your whining.

And who left the poo on the seat? Kayla's way off the mark with Dom, don't be fooled by his sniggering. No, all the evidence points to one person. Who would poo on the seat so they could get up and look at it? And who attempted misdirection by saying it probably belonged to someone who had been eating cake. WHAT CAKE?

We're so happy that the public have chewed her up and spat her out at last.

Sunday, 28 November 2010

Ah... Gillian makes amends

Gillian buried the hatchet with Shaun.

She said that her pathetic performance in the bathtub challenge was because she got her period 2 hours before the trial. Hang on, we thought she was pregnant! It's a miracle!

Alison and Kayla take part in the voting scam sing off. Ironic as Kayla hasn't really done a trial yet, and she turned down the tunnel one because it involved bugs. And now they're going to stick bugs in her mouth. Giant, wriggling bugs. With legs and everything.

Still, as a former Playboy model, we're sure she's had worse. At least the giant stick insect won't try to convince her she has a promising career ahead of her.

"Come on! Get it in my mouth!" she shouted at the ranger. Alison was really sweating now, she thought Kayla was going to be a pushover and she could eat all the bugs herself. Then she found out that she had to spit the bugs out and gave up. We think she asked for mayonnaise at one point...

Ant and Dec said that they should hold the giant burrowing cockroach gently in their lips so as not to harm it. And then for the tie-break? A drink of pureed coackroaches.... hang on, didn't that harm them??

No cockroaches have been harmed in the making of this blog... unfortunately.

X factor shock double eviction

X Factor celebrated rock week with some famous rock bands.... or so you'd think. Didn't they have Bon Jovi last year?

Justin Bieber sang and pranced about, and then tried to pick up Cheryl Cole like a teenager trying to chat up his maths teacher. Creepy. Oh wait, he is a teenager.

What world mega rock star appeared next? Someone called Nicole Shirtlifter, apparently off the Pussycat Dolls, who wailed and screeched from within a giant hamster wheel. We think they figured that if they had enough flashing lights, fireworks and she wore a revealing enough outfit, no-one would notice that she couldn't sing.

Dermatitis O'Leery pressed her for her opinion on the contestants and she said, "They're all so special in their own way". How sweet. Everyone's special. We bet she wants to open a boutique and work with children too.

The contesticles then emerged to the tune of the music from the Old Spice advert. How apt. Past it and stinks of sweaty old men.

The problem with X Factor this year is that the judges think that all the acts are fabulous. Look at the feedback. They're all great. We love them all. They're all wonderful. That was the best performance of the night, no the competition. No that was. And that one.

They even think that Wagner is special, in his own way.

One Direction got through. When we first heard their name, we thought it was a Harry Potter porn film. (You have to say it out loud to get it)

Katie out. But apparently she has a US record deal that the producers had to pay to get her out of, so she's all sorted, then.

The last two - Mary or Wagner? Well, you have to ask who will sell more records. We've already got one Susan Boil, we don't need another. So that leaves the people's favourite. And don't complain, you voted for him!

It's a con really. We know that ITV were in trouble a few years back for vote rigging and scamming the public, so they have devised a brilliant new scam. Get people to vote for who they want to save, because they found they got more votes than if the vote was to get contestants out.

Then ignore the bottom two contestosterones' votes and have a sing off, or a bush tucker trial, or an arm wrestle to decide the lucky loser. So if you voted for the loser, and the other one goes, your vote was wasted. It was a big fat scam.

Ah well, there's money involved so it's completely understandable.

As for the winners, where's lil' Joe Elliot's album? Where is Joe Pasquale? Where is Phil Tufnell? There's only one winner in all of these freak shows.

If you voted to keep Wagner in this week, the judges have pocketed your £1, considerably more from mobiles.

The thing about Wagner is that he won't be short of work because he's memorable and willing to make a fool of himself in return for money. Other previous contestants such as Aiden and... erm... that girl, and... erm... anyway, other contestants just aren't memorable. They'll get one gig at the Belle Vue Working Men's Club, Hartlepool, billed as "As seen on TV's X Factor!" and it's back to Morrisons for them. But Wagner? He'll be doing cruse ships, clubs, TV adverts for years to come. He's desperate to be famous and he totally gets the point of shows like X Factor. They're not picking good singers, they're picking malleable puppets whose faces will appear on boys and girls' bedroom walls up and down the land until X Factor 2011 hits our screens and said boys and girls hit the phone lines.

The irony is that out of all of them, Wagner is the real celebrity.

Relight my fire....

Jenny and Stacey's slapstick performance was masterful.

As part of their secret agent mission, they had to put out the fire, so they hatched a dastardly plan to tip a pan of water all over it. Brilliant. Except it didn't put the fire out.

So Jenny, wracked with guilt, managed to get everyone else to leave the camp - their camp - so that she could redeem herself in privacy. Genius.

She even got a cuddle off big ol' lovin' manhandlin' Linford. He's in serious competition with Dermot the Pervot.

Once the coast was clear, she poured a bit more water on the embers to kill the fire altogether. She should have put a note on saying "Gillian did it" and then run off to hide.

Of course, if Lembit had still been in, there's no way he would have let Jenny and Stacey within a 10 yard perimeter of the fire. His fire. His baby. He unleashed his primal instincts all over the camp.

Lembit make fire! Ugh! Fire good!

He's back at the hotel right now, making cave paintings on the bathroom wall.

How many keys?

Here's more evidence of Gillian's lies and manipulation. She floats around in the bubble bath doing absolutely sod all. She can't even count rubber ducks. Shaun, despite hating the cold water (and what man doesn't?) recovered 162 keys.

So we saw all this with our own eyes, including Shaun's completely reasonable language and behaviour. We think we would have accidentally drowned her, so Shaun really is showing super-human patience.

Then she arrives back in camp after some time and whispers "Dom, can you help me with something?" AS IF NO-ONE KNOWS WHAT SHE MEANS!!

Because of course, no-one will have been talking about her will they?

Dom said no. Good boy! So that forced her hand. And then she goes round telling everyone how much abuse she had to suffer from Shaun.

So here's the difference. Shaun sat down and told everyone, all at once, what had happened. He admitted that he should have kept his temper, he was even mad at himself. Everyone understood.

Gillian went round and picked people off one by one, trying to draw them into her lies and manipulation. She tried to get them to feel sorry for her.

Shaun asked her how many keys she got, she said loads. He said how many, she couldn't answer. The number, should she need reminding, was 2 out of 162. Because she's a pathetic, lazy slacker who only knows how to tell your health from your poo. Hmm... I think you've been eating something brown and smelly. Just goes to show how hungry the TV viewing public are for court jesters and freak shows.

And then she goes into the diary room and tells us - the TV crew and viewers - that it was all Shaun's fault.

The dopey crap caressing... oh we're so mad we could spit feathers. She thinks that no-one saw what happened? It was on national television! What riles us most is that she will get loads of media attention when she finally gets kicked out, which she will when the public finally realise that she is not worth the cost of a vote any more. She has ceased to be entertaining. Let's throw her where she belongs.

We get madder and madder writing this, just thinking about her!

We say Shaun for King of the Jungle and Stacey for Queen. And then they should have a royal wedding and upstage that pair of tax sucking horse faced benefit  fraudsters that apparently do so much for the country. How romantic.

The land of milk and spiders

Lots of people want to emigrate to Australia. The weather's fantastic, they can surf all day and there's so much space.

I guess that one of the reasons that somebody set  up a big jungle playground there to sell to corporate team builders and TV producers is to promote Australia as a destination, for holidays and for life.

After all, where else can you have a barbie on the beach on Christmas day? Well, anywhere actually. If you don't mind the icicles.

Where else do you have the Great Barrier Reef, and that big rock that isn't called Ayer's Rock any more, and the wonderful outback where you can get kidnapped, or maybe fake your own kidnapping.

Well, the weather in camp on 'I used to be a celebrity, can I come in?' has been pretty awful, so that's no incentive. It has rained pretty much every day. And don't say 'but it's in a rainforest' because the camp is about 10 miles from Brisbane's Gold Coast tourist resort.

And why on earth would anyone actively choose to live in a country where the wildlife can kill you?? You can get bitten, stung, mauled, eaten and trampled, all before breakfast. And that's just by the Australian women. According to Wikipedia, the Witchetty Grub "is the most important insect food of the desert and was a staple in the diets of Aboriginal women and children". I'll stick to McNuggets thanks. Less nutritious, less tasty but at least they don't try to crawl back out of my stomach.

Yes, we also have to check the toilet before using it, but that's for floaters, not spiders of death.

As for all that space... it's there for a reason. It's shit and no-one wants to live in it.

We're looking out of the window now at a countryside blanketed in crisp white snow. Stick that in your didgeridoo and smoke it.

Saturday, 27 November 2010

One in the eye for Dom

Stacey adds marksman stone throwing skills to her repertoire of amazing abilities. What a shot! Right in Dom's eye!

Dom complained that Stacey could have been more subtle and she pointed out that he's supposed to be Mr Intelligent. He knows they're spies so she's quite likely to need to signal him. Right on!

And let's remember that in his daft opening credits 'turn around and smile for the camera' intro, he is pretending to be James Bond. How apt.

Isn't it funny how, once people are up to something, they try to act normal? The three of them are tip-toeing through camp, thinking, "Don't walk like a spy!"

3 star dining

Aggro (who?) only got 3 stars.

Still, that's plenty for Gillian to have thirds while everyone else goes hungry. After saying that she doesn't eat much.

Shaun called her a lying bullshitter.

Not news to us....

Dermot - presenter, contestant or judge?

What is going on with Dermot? Is he angling for a job as one of next year's judges? He turns up dressed like a bridegroom from 1973 and then argues with Simon about his opinion of the acts, then gives his own opinion. Every week he argues with Simon. Isn't that for the other judges to do?

We're not saying we agree or disagree with the judges, we just think that the presenters should introduce the act and do the interview and leave the judges to judge.

Oooh and he winds us up every time he calls a male contestant 'buddy'. They're not your buddies, you scene stealing gimp.

The female contestants? It's all hugging and kissing. In the early heats, he was backstage group hugging all the girls. Even on his woeful radio show, he's pandering to the ladies. He wa interviewing some singer we've never heard of and telling her how fantastic her grating wailing was.

He should leave the judging to the judges and stick to perving over the female contestants.

What a Wagner

What was Wagner singing tonight? "What am I doing here?"

Yeah, we were wondering the same thing.

We think that Louie is single-handedly voting to keep him in.

Friday, 26 November 2010

Alas poor Opik, for I knew him well

Goodbye Lembit.

No more to say about that, really.

As for Jenny and Alison's Starbugs challenge, how unfair was that? They had to eat far more than Shaun and Gillian did, and Jesus, pureed eyeballs.

At one point, Jenny said, "I've had worse", and we thought she was going to say, "I've had worse in the real Starbucks"!

Yeah, so have we. And £16 for two drinks and two cakes. Crikey.

Alison did well to keep it down, although we did think that she only opted out of eating a couple so no-one would realise that she had volunteered just so she could fill her face.

Gillian's the life and soul of the party now that she's figured out she can just dig her heels in and someone else will bale her out. We bet she wishes she'd figured that out sooner!

Gillian was so pleased to know she was the most Googled of the sell-ebrities. If only she knew why, she might not be so chuffed. You build your TV career on shit, don't be surprised that that's what it turns to.

Would you eat out of Gillian's pants?

Would we bloody hell. And she was so bloody smug about it!!

I think this proves what we've been saying all along. She is a dump diving, attention seeking, lying, cheating nasty piece of work, and the only phobia she has is the fear that no-one is talking about her.

Let's review.

When she starts getting chosen for challenges, we get the wailing and screaming. Lots of attention. Lots of sympathy. Cuddles from Linford.

But the public carried on voting for her, so she had to up the ante. Fainting.

But that didn't work either. So she just plain opted out of the next challenge and lied to cover up her utter pathetic failure. It was too difficult. It didn't work at all. I couldn't get it to work. We couldn't believe that Dom Joly didn't tell the others about her lies, especially as Ant and Dec were just desperate to stir things up. Even Sheryl Gascoine, at her exit interview, didn't bite. We don't think she quite understood what they were trying to tell her, really.

Winning 5 stars with Dom's expert guidance got her off the hook for a while.

The next challenge, Kangaroo Court, she cheated. But she didn't like being caught out, so she made prison as much of a misery for the others as she could.

What next? Singing and dancing! There is absolutely nothing wrong - in a medical sense - with her. No phobias. Just an overpowering and desperate need to manipulate and control the people around her.

When she was finally caught out for smuggling, she took such delight in showing the camera what she was handing in. She was basically sticking her fingers up at the producers and saying, "Ha ha, I got all this past you. I don't care that you caught me, I already got away with it".

And the other contestants, upon hearing that they had been dining on the contents of her pants?

We're sure they'd all rather be eating Kangaroo 'parts'.

Thursday, 25 November 2010

Come Slap With Me

The dinner guest with the face like an angry warthog tried to distract the young French gentleman by shoving her cleavage in his face and promising him a slap that he would look forward to. We're fairly certain from the look on his face that he really wasn't looking forward to it.

What do you call someone who bakes? A baker. What do you call someone who gardens? A gardener. What do you call someone who slaps? You get the picture.

So she went ahead and gave him a little taster, a little pat on the bottom. And you know what? He told her to keep her hands to herself. Good for him.

He said, "this is my space and that is your space". She tried to wrestle back control and save face by saying, "but what's yours is mine", as if, just because she was a woman in a low cut top, she had the right to do whatever she wants. He countered with, "no, it's not", and she tried one last ditch attempt with, "but what's mine is yours!"

Seriously, you can keep it love.

Sexual harassment works both ways, you know.

Wednesday, 24 November 2010

Cannon Fodder

Kelvin MacKenzie said in the post Apprentice autopsy that Stuart Baggs is great and every sales team should have one.

He's right. Not because Stuart is a great salesman but because he's utterly blinded by his own ego and eager to do anything to please his boss, or his father, or priest, or whoever it is he pretends not to be trying to impress.

Every sales team needs a Stuart because he is what is known in the trade as cannon fodder. Give him a sales target, a laptop and a car with alloy wheels and he will throw himself to the lions. When a corporate buyer eats him alive, just shout "next!" and reload.

But still, Stuart's a walking talking real life entrepreneur. He can do it all himself. He doesn't need a team.

He's what we call a 'one man brand'

You've Been Fired At

So poor old Christopher is gone. A shame, a pity, a great loss, but not a surprise. He is the best candidate to run an operation, but Lord Sugar isn't looking for someone to run an operation, he's looking for someone to sell televisions to shops and doctor's surgeries after Lee resigned from that wonderful job.

We predict that Christopher will have some great job offers as a result of his performance on The Apprentice. Why?
  1. He's clearly a great organiser and implementer - he gets things done
  2. He's one of very few people who didn't defend himself in the boardroom by slagging off his colleagues
  3. He's the only candidate so far who sat in the taxi and said he would learn from his experience - the others all said "I don't need Alan Sugar, I'm going to be successful, and I didn't want an ice cream anyway"
And when he appeared on the post show autopsy, he came across as professional and composed. In comparison, Alex and Melissa came across as utter idiots, and the only reason that they need to pursue their entrepreneurial instincts is that we can't see anyone offering them a job after they made utter buffoons of themselves on national TV.

'I'm a great pitcher', lamented Melissa. Meet my nephew, Bubbles the chimp.

The one thing missing from this week's autoposy was 'the one that got away', which in our opinion was.... Jamie. What a git. Turning down the 9:00 meeting because he was too lazy to get out of bed? However, there's no guarantee that they would have won the order, so you can't really blame it all on him.

Let's not overlook the error of Chris who gave the door to door sales half of the task - definitely the toughest half - to two people who are not salesmen - Christopher and Jamie. Unfortunately, while we like Chris a lot, he doesn't have enough sales experience himself to recognise why Jamie and Christopher aren't salesmen. Do you know? Answers on a postcard...

Goodbye Christopher, we think you'll do very well for yourself.

A prediction

Gillian, the dump diva, said that she had never been underwater before in her life.

We predict that the tabloid newspapers will carry stories over the next few days from her ex-classmates, family members and passers by who have seen her frolicking in the ocean, snorkelling in the Med and synchronised swimming at the Seoul Olympics.

She went from being entertaining to aggravating. I suspect that she will become entertaining again as the presenters and other jungle celebs make her even more of a laughing stock than she already is.

And she thinks this is going to be good for her career? I suppose that after sniffing people's secretions for a living, any way is up.

Dom Joly - what a surprise

Keeping his cool and showing absolutely the right way to deal with the screaming, wailing log lover, Dom Joly stood in a flooded lobster cage and calmly said, "Why are you screaming? It's a box?"

When he came into the jungle, we thought that Dom looked a bit of a ponce, but he's surprised us. He got stuck in and took Jenny's advice to treat Gillian like a 10 year old girl to heart. Good show.

The one downside is that thanks to his lack of pandering, she got 5 stars which means that the other sell-ebrities feel bad about slagging her off behind her back. Yes she lied about giving up on the challenge like a pathetic little girl. Yes she cheated and put salt in the food. Yes she's manipulative. Yes she made Stacey cry. Yes she copped out of a challenge by pretending to faint. Yes she tried to tell Shaun what to do. Yes she woke him up in the night with her whinging. Yes she's a blatant attention seeker. But she won us some dinners! A goat's leg! And vegetables!

Oh, how can we tell the faint was fake? Was it the theatrical hand to brow? The gentle collapse onto the floor?

No, much more subtle. It was the way that she warned Dom Joly that she wasn't feeling well. She thought it would be more convincing if she said something beforehand, but what she was actually doing was setting up the con. And the only person she's conning is..... her agent.

Aw... poor old Stacey

Not content with the fame and fortune afforded by last year's X Factor, Stacey Solomon is in the jungle. She has the innocence of a child, the heart of an angel and the nose of a hairy anteater. Cute.

We think that the X Factor's producers did Stacey a major disservice, editing the program to make her appear like a bit of a dope, to be frank.

In the jungle, she has showed her competitors a clean pair of intellectual heels, out-arguing Linford Christie, Dom Joly and others. Go girl! Girl power!

No seriously, respect.

And what happens when Stacey turns her razor sharp intellect and brutal honesty onto Gillian McKeith? Oh, the fainting poo prodder turned nasty, showing her true colours.

She didn't like what Stacey had to say. As Sheryl Gascoine said, the truth hurts. And how did she deal with it? By taking Stacey to one side, in private, which is what manipulative liars do, and telling Stacey that she loves her very much and wants to be her bestest bestest friend, and that it's all Stacey's fault, and she doesn't know what a true phobia is. No Gillian, she might not. And neither do you.

We think Stacey should win. We like her a lot.

Doing a Gillian

Well, at first we felt a bit sorry for Gillian McKeith. What a sorry state. If she had that many phobias she shouldn't have signed up for the program.

Hang on though, she did sign up, and she knew full well what would be happening. So what's going on?

The shit sniffing one trick pony admitted in jail that she is only on the show (I'm a Celebrity, get Gillian out of my living room) to advance her TV career. She said that if she leaves the show her TV career will be over. No Gillian, your TV career will not be over because you voluntarily leave the jungle. It will be over because no-one wants to watch a whinging, lying turd tickler. You have had your 15 minutes, and believe me, if you are happy to be famous for what you're famous for, you've milked it for all you're worth. Well done, but enough is enough.

You're not a celebrity, so get out of there!