Sunday, 28 November 2010

The land of milk and spiders

Lots of people want to emigrate to Australia. The weather's fantastic, they can surf all day and there's so much space.

I guess that one of the reasons that somebody set  up a big jungle playground there to sell to corporate team builders and TV producers is to promote Australia as a destination, for holidays and for life.

After all, where else can you have a barbie on the beach on Christmas day? Well, anywhere actually. If you don't mind the icicles.

Where else do you have the Great Barrier Reef, and that big rock that isn't called Ayer's Rock any more, and the wonderful outback where you can get kidnapped, or maybe fake your own kidnapping.

Well, the weather in camp on 'I used to be a celebrity, can I come in?' has been pretty awful, so that's no incentive. It has rained pretty much every day. And don't say 'but it's in a rainforest' because the camp is about 10 miles from Brisbane's Gold Coast tourist resort.

And why on earth would anyone actively choose to live in a country where the wildlife can kill you?? You can get bitten, stung, mauled, eaten and trampled, all before breakfast. And that's just by the Australian women. According to Wikipedia, the Witchetty Grub "is the most important insect food of the desert and was a staple in the diets of Aboriginal women and children". I'll stick to McNuggets thanks. Less nutritious, less tasty but at least they don't try to crawl back out of my stomach.

Yes, we also have to check the toilet before using it, but that's for floaters, not spiders of death.

As for all that space... it's there for a reason. It's shit and no-one wants to live in it.

We're looking out of the window now at a countryside blanketed in crisp white snow. Stick that in your didgeridoo and smoke it.

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