Sunday, 28 November 2010

X factor shock double eviction

X Factor celebrated rock week with some famous rock bands.... or so you'd think. Didn't they have Bon Jovi last year?

Justin Bieber sang and pranced about, and then tried to pick up Cheryl Cole like a teenager trying to chat up his maths teacher. Creepy. Oh wait, he is a teenager.

What world mega rock star appeared next? Someone called Nicole Shirtlifter, apparently off the Pussycat Dolls, who wailed and screeched from within a giant hamster wheel. We think they figured that if they had enough flashing lights, fireworks and she wore a revealing enough outfit, no-one would notice that she couldn't sing.

Dermatitis O'Leery pressed her for her opinion on the contestants and she said, "They're all so special in their own way". How sweet. Everyone's special. We bet she wants to open a boutique and work with children too.

The contesticles then emerged to the tune of the music from the Old Spice advert. How apt. Past it and stinks of sweaty old men.

The problem with X Factor this year is that the judges think that all the acts are fabulous. Look at the feedback. They're all great. We love them all. They're all wonderful. That was the best performance of the night, no the competition. No that was. And that one.

They even think that Wagner is special, in his own way.

One Direction got through. When we first heard their name, we thought it was a Harry Potter porn film. (You have to say it out loud to get it)

Katie out. But apparently she has a US record deal that the producers had to pay to get her out of, so she's all sorted, then.

The last two - Mary or Wagner? Well, you have to ask who will sell more records. We've already got one Susan Boil, we don't need another. So that leaves the people's favourite. And don't complain, you voted for him!

It's a con really. We know that ITV were in trouble a few years back for vote rigging and scamming the public, so they have devised a brilliant new scam. Get people to vote for who they want to save, because they found they got more votes than if the vote was to get contestants out.

Then ignore the bottom two contestosterones' votes and have a sing off, or a bush tucker trial, or an arm wrestle to decide the lucky loser. So if you voted for the loser, and the other one goes, your vote was wasted. It was a big fat scam.

Ah well, there's money involved so it's completely understandable.

As for the winners, where's lil' Joe Elliot's album? Where is Joe Pasquale? Where is Phil Tufnell? There's only one winner in all of these freak shows.

If you voted to keep Wagner in this week, the judges have pocketed your £1, considerably more from mobiles.

The thing about Wagner is that he won't be short of work because he's memorable and willing to make a fool of himself in return for money. Other previous contestants such as Aiden and... erm... that girl, and... erm... anyway, other contestants just aren't memorable. They'll get one gig at the Belle Vue Working Men's Club, Hartlepool, billed as "As seen on TV's X Factor!" and it's back to Morrisons for them. But Wagner? He'll be doing cruse ships, clubs, TV adverts for years to come. He's desperate to be famous and he totally gets the point of shows like X Factor. They're not picking good singers, they're picking malleable puppets whose faces will appear on boys and girls' bedroom walls up and down the land until X Factor 2011 hits our screens and said boys and girls hit the phone lines.

The irony is that out of all of them, Wagner is the real celebrity.

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