Wednesday, 15 December 2010

Tell us why you're the right candidate for this job...

It's interview time...

We're writing this live as we watch the show, so who's it going to be this week? Three candidates are leaving.

Some time ago, we said to each other that there are basically two types of contestant on The Apprentice; people who want to use the program to get their face on TV and people who see the competition as an escape route from their current situation. So the interview process weeds out the rare contestants who actually do want the job.

What it boils down to for this task is... who is not what they seem?

We reckon that, on that basis, Stuart and Jamie are definitely out. Chris is in. Which one of the girls? Could go either way. Both honest and professional, Stella more corporate, Joanne more entrepreneurial.

Not all of the contestants quite live up to the professional image they portray. Christopher was in trouble for firearms offences and fraud, Liz has starred in her own porn video and Joanne called a taxi driver a f*&$#@*g paki and knocked his tooth out. Stuart even went along to the Isle Of Man's Junior Chamber of Commerce Christmas drinks evening last week. Looooseeeerrrrr! Who let him in?

So let's see what pearls the interviewers can dig out of this bunch of swine.

Stuart made a 'defamatory statement' about a business rival by saying they had gone bust, and explained this by saying that he is a man of integrity. But you lied. Yes but I'm honest. I'm an honest liar. Somebody push him in the canal!

Joanne didn't know what companies Alan owns. She thought maybe Viggilen, or Vijlen, or Viglen. They sell computers. Maybe Amstrad. What about Amsummers?

Margaret accused Chris of bragging. Chris pointed out that he was in the top 5 students in the country for Theology, with a first class honours degree. 1:0 to Chris.

Claude accused Chris of being a quitter. He tried to fluster Chris, but Chris kept his cool and we think Claude looked quite impressed. 2:0 to Chris.

Jamie claimed to be solely responsible for sales, while his business partner disagreed. If he's an amazing salesman and could sell anything, why is his company only breaking even? Jamie said 'erm' a lot. Gordon accused Jamie of looking for an escape chute from his own failed business. As we said, some of the candidates see game shows like this as a form of winning the lottery, a way out of an unsatisfactory life.

Stuart wants to be Lord Sugar's business partner. Claude was quite riled by the one man brand. He said that he's going to work 24/7. He has hundreds of ideas buzzing round his head all the time. One of them is a device to help you find a cat. We just invented a device to find a cat too. It's a bowl of cat food.

Anyway, why would a cat need GPS? The cat is exactly where it wants to be. That's what makes it a cat.

So based on who are the more genuine candidates, it's not looking good for Jamie and Stuart. Stuart says that his company, BlueWave, is a licensed operator. Gordon asked Stuart if that was true. Stuart said yes. But Gordon had spoken to the telecoms regulator of the Isle of Man, who said that no, BlueWave is not licensed. You see, licensed means that the operator can provide voice services. And they can't. They're an ISP, supplying broadband. And anyone can do that. We could do it. So Stuart was lying? No, he was telling the truth 'within a context'. Yes, the context of fairy land.

"I am a key cog in a wheel... in a wheel... any wheel... I'm a key cog... really?" rambled Jamie. Jamie's putting in 99% of the effort and all his partner does is pick clients up from the hotel. Let me explain. No, let me explain. No, if I can just explain. Jamie's just a gobby opportunist who talked his way into a business partnership and now reckons he does all the hard work.

Stuart was quite rattled by the interview. Having tried to lie his way out of the interview, now he's trying to lie his way out of the argument with Lord Sugar, who told Stuart that he's full of shit. Strong words. Especially after Liz left last week. Alan is annoyed that he allowed himself to be conned by Stuart.

Stuart, you're fired.

Saints be praised!!!

What we're particularly happy about is not just Stuart being fired but him being revealed as a weasly little lying git who would raid his grandmother's life savings to promote himself. We would like for him to never work again, at least on this side of McDonald's counter.

Joanne's next, because Alan can't see where she would fit into his organisation. Well, behind a Hoover, obviously, because Alan suggested she make a go of her cleaning business. She leaves with her head held high.

Stella is in the final.

Jamie, you're fired. Yes!

So it's Chris and Stella to look forward to next week, trying to herd the gang of buffoons who are the fired contestants who will presumably come back to sabotage, we mean support, the finalists in the finality of the final.

And then, after Sunday's final, either Chris or Stella will be assured of a fantastic career ahead of them with opportunities galore and their wildest dreams brought to life.

The other will get to work for Amstrad.

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