Sunday, 12 December 2010

X Factor - Finally over

We think we have finally figured out what is going on - the judges are as tone deaf as the contestants.

A woman in Essex made a pizza shaped like Matt's face, and Stacey Solomon said it was the most beautiful pizza she'd ever seen. We think Pizza Hut should start a new line in celebrity face pizzas. I'll have a 10 inch Gillian McKeith please, with the hidden spices in the base and the mealworm topping. And also a 6 inch Gordon Ramsay. Oh no, wait, that's not a pizza, that actually is his face.

Anyway, Matt warbled and wailed. He was as sharp as our wit. And we don't mean sharp as in spot on, we mean sharp as in woefully out of tune.

Did the judges pick up on this? It was all over Matt's face, he knew his performance was shocking. No. They all thought he was fantastic. Again. Everybody's fantastic. Everyone's a winner.

Cheryl said that no other man would sing the women's songs that Matt has attempted. There's a reason for that. It's because men sing like men, and ladies sing like ladies. Ladies don't sing, "I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK" and men don't sing,  "And Iiiiiiiiiii will always love yoooooooooooooooou". Matt isn't brave to sing a girl's song. It's because he's got an out of tune, high pitched whiny voice. But who knows, that might be the latest fashion amongst today's pop pickers.

We don't think his case was helped by making him sing with Ronald McDonald who towered over him in those big clown shoes and that big red wig.

One Direction unfortunately got lumbered with the pub drunk, a fate last bestowed on Olly last year, and look what happened to him. He was forced to sing a stupid reggae version of Barney's 'I love you, you love me' wearing a pork pie hat. Poor boy. We're sure the call centre has kept his chair warm.

In the final, Robbie's four new minders turned up to haul him off. "Come on, Robbie, time to go home. Your nurse will be worrying about you". Honestly, Cruella De Ville is more of a team player, and better dressed too.

Somebody off Coro was in Doncaster, and the crowd there were cheering for someone, but it was too noisy and her voice too whiny and grating for us to figure out who.

Rebecca may have sang a song, it was hard to tell. It could have been a shop dummy. In the opening song, she was waving her arms up and down like a Nan at a disco, trying to dance to Agadoo by copying everyone else, so her arms are up when everyone else's are down and she stands there with a look on her face as if she should be enjoying herself but isn't quite sure what's going on.

Of course, the judges think she's fantastic, and we should all ring up and vote. Vote for everyone! They're all wonderful!

Somebody called Colleen Rooney in Liverpule said, "That's what we call the X Factor here in Liverpule!" Yeah, that's what we call it here too, luv.

Week after week, the judges were nasty to Wagner, saying that they couldn't understand why the public kept voting for him. They even accused someone of trying to derail the show by block voting for Wagner. But hang on a minute, who put him through from the first audition?

Then, after making fun of the really bad acts, they had them all back on to sing together in one big congealed lump of wailing, just so we can all mock them some more. And who says it isn't a freak show?

At some point we can look forward to all of the contestants coming back on stage for one big knees up. Really, we don't think there will be any difference between that and the rubbish ones.

Now it's time for Leery to announce the first round of phone vote money laundering. Matt does his best Johnny Vegas impression.

Johnny Vegas

Matt Cardle

The second act through to the finale? Rebecca.

Right, so let's vote out the sweet faced, musical, talented, in tune group and put through a whiny, grating boy who can't sing in tune, and a whiny grating girl with a voice like Manuka honey. One spoonful and you think, "Ooh! That's different!", two spoonfuls and you think, "No, actually, it's quite sickly". Three spoonfuls and you get to see your breakfast all over again. And all over your shoes.

We think that, career wise, it's better for someone to not win the X Factor. They get all the PR with none of the contrived manufacturing of a winner. We hope they will go far, they deserve to.

It's definitely fixed. Why? Well, last week, they put Mary and Cher in the bottom two sing-off. Mary could out sing most of the other contestants, so it was a liability to have her in the final. She wiped the floor with Cher, but the judges obviously heard something that we didn't. The sound of a cash register, we think.

So now the group who should have won are out, leaving the bookie's favourite, Matt, and Rebecca. So, conveniently, Matt doesn't have any competition. But let's have another phone vote anyway, just in case Simon Cowell's wallet has any space left in it.

This year, they get their own single. Last year, the two finalists, Lil' Joe and Olly, had to sing the same song, which was conveniently written in a key that suited Lil' Joe's vocal range, but was way too high for gruff ol' Olly.

This year, Matt gets a, "I'm great, believe in me, vote for me and I'll come round your house with presents" song. A big screeching finish that suits Matt right down to the ground. Which judging from his song with Rhianna, isn't very far.

An old lady in Colchester says, "Matt, Essex is behind you!" Yes, you are right, old lady, within 12 months Matt will deny that he every lived there.

Now it's Rebecca's turn to warble for England. "I'm just a dreamer", she wails. Yes, Rebecca, you can only dream of winning.

Colleen back in Liverpule asked two girls for their views. We think that their incomprehensible babble contained the word 'win' somewhere near the end. Then a man in a red glittery cowboy hat added his encouragement. Come on Rebecca. Encouragement from a man in a red glittery cowboy hat. Isn't that worth pulling your finger out for?

To be fair, Rebecca's performances are in tune. It's just that the X Factor isn't fair.

What now? Oh Jesus, the pub drunk has staggered back in. Look at his face. Smug gimp. He's using them, he's swaggering round like the star of the show. Don't get us wrong, we like many of his songs, he's just too much of a smug, attention seeking, selfish twat. And he has to shout, "Come on!" It's not a football match, you lout. And while Leery is talking to Howard and/or Jason, he starts chanting "Wagner! Wagner!". And then he wanders off and says hello to all the judges! The elephant on Blue Peter was better behaved.

What the hell is wrong with you people? Why are you buying his records? Why haven't Take That trusted their instincts not to rely on him? It will end in tears, mark our words. Mark them well. Beware the Ides of March.

Votes made after the closing time won't be counted but may still be charged. That's 'may' as in 'will' because, while we have the technology to handle millions of incoming phone votes and count them instantly and precisely, we're a bit hazy on when exactly we'll close the vote, and when, at a later time, we will stop charging you. Just don't say we didn't warn you.

The lines are closed and the vote is in. Here's a funny thing, Matt was supposedly a decorator. Matt! Geddit? Although apparently he wasn't really a decorator, he has already released an album.

The nation has voted. The winner is....

(Pause for 17 minutes for dramatic effect)

Matt zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

How predictable. How dull.

Poor old Johnny can't believe it. "Thank you all so much from the bottom of my heart, I want to thank all the judges, I'm so happy, and Mrs Evans in Colchester, I'll be round to finish your hallway on Tuesday"

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