Tuesday, 20 December 2011

We Have No Reason to Believe That Piers Morgan is a Lying Slippery Git

Piers Morgan finally had his moment in the spotlight at the Leveson enquiry, in which he was asked via video link to his new home the good ol' U S of A, who are the only people who think that he's cool, if phone hacking had gone on at the Daily Mirror while he was the editor. Of course not. Who would think such a thing? The Daily Mirror? A paragon of journalistic virtue? Ridiculous.

Now, you can read what he said anywhere. Just Google 'slippery former editor lies through teeth to government enquiry' and we're sure something will turn up. Of course, that would be a purely random search phrase, not one intended to turn up news stories about Piers Morgan. After all, we are not aware of anything that Piers Morgan has done to mark himself out as a slippery lying git. He said so himself to the enquiry, under oath, so it must be true.

Note how he used phrases such as "I had no reason to believe..." or "I was not aware..." or "I was not aware that it was widely prevalent in any specific form" or even "I was never directly involved"

Apparently, an editor is aware of maybe 5% of what happens at a newspaper. So by sheer coincidence, all the illegal stuff was squarely in the hidden 95%. Fancy that. In the ten years that he edited the Daily Mirror, nothing illegal ever crept into that 5%. Despite the fact that he wrote in his own diary in 2001 that someone had told him about phone hacking. But he never for a moment imagined that his own angelic reporters would be doing it. Or that they would be paying private investigators. Or the police. Ah well, perhaps he's a better interviewer than he was an editor? Erm... no. Refer to our previous post about his interview with David Hasslehoff.

But hang on, what about the telephone message from Sir Paul McCartney on Heather Mills' phone that he listened to? Where did that come from? Who played it to him? How did they get it?

Apparently, he can't reveal his sources.

Eh?

Isn't that precisely what the Leveson enquiry is all about?

The QC threatened to ring up Heather Mills and ask if she played Piers the recording, because if she didn't, it was clearly obtained illegally.

Piers replied that there's nothing unethical about listening in on a private conversation. If it was that private, they shouldn't be having it. Translation: Call her then. See if I care.

Now remember, Piers left the Daily Mirror because of a scandal involving a front page photo of a British soldier torturing an Iraqi prisoner. Except it wasn't a British soldier. And the photo wasn't taken in Iraq. And the man being tortured wasn't an Iraqi. It all happened in the Daily Mirror's car park. Now, it may be true that an editor only knows 5% of what happens at the newspaper. Wouldn't you think that the front page story would be part of that 5%??

Piers told Lord Justice Leveson that "he was concerned that the hearing was not focusing on the good papers had done over the years". Yes, we were unreliable, lying, cheating scumbags, but millions of people enjoyed the cartoons. When will we get some recognition for that? And the horoscope! How many people's lives have been changed by Mystic Meg?!

Remember though the most important role that newspapers play in our day to day lives. They keep our chips warm.

Brilliant, isn't it? Called before an enquiry to ascertain how newspaper journalists acquired private information, he sticks two fingers right up at them. Or one finger, since he's now hiding across the Atlantic.

All being well he'll stay there.

Sunday, 11 December 2011

They Don't Call Them Quick Quid for Nothing

No... at 1734% APR, it's because that's exactly what they make out of you...

Little Mix Win X Factor 2011!

But the final isn't for another 4 or 5 hours, how could we know that?

Well, come on. Everyone knows the whole thing is fixed. Why don't ITV just admit it?

You see, we've had male singers win for the last 2 years, Matt Vegas last year and Lil' Joooor McElderry the year before. So when Marcus wins this year as he rightly should, Simon Bowell has a problem, because he has three male singers vying for attention in the pop charts. And since there aren't many girl groups around at the moment, it makes much more sense for Little Mix to win, even though they shouldn't really have made it past the auditions. Whoa - hang on - even though they DIDN'T make it through auditions because they weren't good enough as individual singers. But sling them together as a group and now that they can drown each other out, we can shove them through to the final and no-one will notice.

Remember, Little Mix DID NOT ENTER THE COMPETITION. As individuals, they DID NOT GET THROUGH THE AUDITIONS. Neither did The Risk. And Amelia Lilly was VOTED OUT.

Also, The Risk lost a member. So they should have been out because they weren't the same group any more. But no, let's give them another singer because they didn't get through the auditions and it's a con anyway, so the fact that people are still voting means they're gullible.

Maybe based on that, we can expect Kitty Brucknell to win.

But how do ITV rig the contest?

Firstly, let's face it, ITV do have previous for vote rigging. Such as taking viewers' money after the lines had closed. Or giving the 2008 People's Choice award to Ant & Dec, even though the viewers had actually voted, fair and square, for Catherine Tate.

Secondly, the judges repeat, over and over, that a girl band has never come this far in X Factor and everyone should vote for them to win. If advertisers did that, the ASA would have a thing or two to say.

Thirdly, they'll just do what they did last year. And the year before. The final performance will be both finallists singing what will be the X Factor single. And the style and key of the song will be perfectly suited for the winner's voice, and will make the loser sound like they're strangling a cat.

So tonight, we're expecting to see Marcus running around like Mrs Doubtfire to sing all four parts of the song.

Finally, remember that the semi final was between Marcus, a girl who was voted out a few weeks ago and four girls who didn't even get through the first auditions.

But don't fret, because the other thing that we can say from previous years is that winning X Factor is actually a career deathwish anyway. The runners-up are always more successful.

So based on that, we're voting for Marcus to lose tonight, because of all of them, he's the one we'd actually pay money to see.

Bad luck Marcus!!

Saturday, 3 December 2011

King Who?

The choice of this year's king of the jungle deserves just one word...

Perplexing

What Do Men Do in the Jungle?

Mark White said to his new best friend Dougie:

"Let's do some man shit. Let's do each other's hair"

We don't know what men get up to in Essex, but where we're from, man shit does not involve doing each others' hair.

Wednesday, 30 November 2011

Exclusive: Ant & Dec's Secret Love Child!!

We've been watching "I wish I was a celebrity, can I please come and humiliate myself?" for a while now, and Ant & Dec are as close as ever, with their witty banter and adoring looks for each other.

On the other hand, in between times, there's an advert for Westlife's new record. And we couldn't help but notice something very odd about one of them.

Further investigation showed that the Westlife member in question seems to be called Shane. You see, Shane looks a lot like Ant & Dec. Neither Ant nor Dec, but, oddly, both of them.

So we did a bit of DNA research on www.morphthing.com



Now, being a pop singer means that Shane can't smile. Louis Walsh has all their face muscles paralysed at birth as he grooms them for stardom. Meanwhile, Ant & Dec have been genetically modified so that smiling is the resting position of their faces. However, we think you'll agree that this proves beyond all unreasonable doubt that Shane from Westlife is the love child of Ant & Dec.

Saturday, 26 November 2011

X Factor gets a New Contestant

In his never ending bid to upstage the acts and overrule the judges, Dermot O'Leery now comes on to his own dance routine.

Ponce.

Thursday, 24 November 2011

I'm A Has Been... Get Me Out Of There

Who has the fewest votes and will leave now?

In no particular order....

It's Stephanie. Camp Mom is out on her ear.

But it's OK, don't cry for me Argentina. I'll be busy. I'm famous. I'm a star. I'm huge. Hollywood is calling. I'm the real winner here. You're all losers. You can stick your precious jungle up your arses. Loooooseeeers!!

"It was absolutely the best thing that could possibly have happened"

Yes, for us.

Talisa is on the move

We were driving through Wilmslow in Cheshire earlier today and saw Talisa off X Factor. Her number plate was what made her stand out - particularly as she was walking at the time.

No, seriously, we saw a Black Merc with TAL 15 A on it and it looked a lot like her driving. A tanned up face that looked like a slapped arse, harbouring thoughts of what tuneless twaddle she'll be getting Little Mix warbling next week.

Party Like A Celeb!!

This year's I Was A Celebrity, Watch Me Humiliate Myself! is sponsored by Iceland. Not the country, thanks to their banking system that collapsed and took our council tax with it, but the frozen foods shop.

The catchphrase is "Party like a celeb at Iceland!"

So presumably they now sell drugs and gerbils and stuff, and inflatable swimming pools for you to drown a hapless salesman in.

Sunday, 20 November 2011

Sinitta's Spice Rack

Fatima Gaddafi is all bent out of shape, as usual, because Stephanie Powers didn't choose her for the game show. After all, as an ex-olympic javelin thrower from about 20 years ago, she was the obvious choice to throw a dart at a dartboard and, crucially, get the question right.

Then she gives Lorraine Chase a gobfull when Lorraine respectfully asks the Colonel to stop shaking the bunk bed around.

Fats would appear to be, to use a native Aussie colloquialism, "a right bitch".

Meanwhile, Sinitta gets picked for every trial because she is such a good sport, entertaining us with her squeals of delight as she roots around in a bag of cockroaches.

Anthony Cotton definitely had the right idea, politely asking the rats to move along and saying that he really enjoyed himself. No-one's going to vote for him again, are they?

And it would appear that Sinitta was watching last year's show and picked up Gillian's idea of stuffing her knickers with a selection of condiments. Gillian brought in some herbs and spices, Sinitta smuggled in the entire spice rack, a large tub of parmesan and half a dozen bulbs of garlic, which certainly explains all the squealing.

Saturday, 19 November 2011

Gaddafi Lives!

Contrary to the reports fabricated by the pigdogs of the Western media, our beloved Colonel Gaddafi, inspiring leader, spiritual guide and mass murderer of the year 1988, did not die at the hands of a marauding mob.

No, he heroically slipped away through his network of underground tunnels to the jungles of Australia where he has launched his exciting new career as a TV celebrity and ex-Olympic athlete.


M&S = Miming & Sneaking

Well, M&S always pull the stars together for their Christmas TV advert, don't they?

But this isn't just a barrel. This is an almost empty, stinky, festering barrel. And M&S are scraping the bottom of it.

Is it just because they have selected the X Factor contestants as their Christmas baubles? No. That's topical and will surely appeal to the younger audience that their biscuit selection boxes and chenille cardigans are aimed at.

When Frankie left the show under a dark cloud and a drug filled haze of oblivion, M&S edited him out of the advert, replacing him with some pictures of Christmas puddings or spoilt kids or something.

But that's not a big problem, M&S simply wanting to distance themselves from Frankie's shameful antics. After all, you can't have the rock'n'roll lifestyle until you've earned it fair and square, not won it in a raffle.

No, the problem is that M&S edited out Kitty Brucknell and replaced her with video of AMY PINKHAIR MIMING!

Bloody MIMING!

So not only do they insult Kitty by removing her from the advert, they then pretend that Amy is anywhere near as good a singer by having her flapping her trap in time with Kitty's sweet warblings. It's not just a nasty rip off. It's a nasty, sneaky, underhanded, unfair, scene-stealing rip off, from Your M&S.

Your M&S, not ours. You can keep it.

Thursday, 17 November 2011

Life Imitates Art

At least a year ago, we suggested some new TV series, including 'I'd Like To Be A Celebrity, Get Me In There'.

Well this year's romp in the jungle features such well known celebrities as...

A man off TOWIE. We waited 2 days until Ant & Dec told us what that even meant.

A girl in a bikini

Dougie somebody. Apparently a pop star or something. The public have voted for him to do a challenge just so that Ant & Dec might give away some clue as to who he is.

And beyond that, we're into one of our other suggestions of yesteryear - 'I Used To Be A Celebrity, Get Me Back In There'

And what new and exciting treats do the producers have in store for us? A bunch of dirty wannabees and hasbeens eating pig's arses, rooting around in boxes of cockroaches and shouting 'eek!' when they see a spider.

What could possible top that, eh?

Sunday, 13 November 2011

Social Media Mad

We're jumping on the social media web 2.0 cloud computing e-bandwagon again by suggesting some new services to further enhance our mobile connectivity virtualisation.

New services that we'll be launching for 2012 include:

Social networking with video clips: TubeFace

Sending very short video clips to your friends: TwitTube

Throwing very short custard pies at people you don't know: TwitFace


Friday, 4 November 2011

Wake Me Up Before You Go Bro

Goodness, Big Brother is getting more and more tedious.

The shopping task was to stay clean for the day. It's a cross between Porridge and It's a Knock Out.

The housemates have now completely run out of anything interesting to say or do, and you can tell from the state of the Big Brother pigsty that they know it's all downhill now.

All that we can tell you to summarise the situation is contained within the remaining housemates' favourite catchphrases.

Aaron Oookaaaayyy. Weeellll, um, I don't necessarily think I was being particularly manipulative was I? And I may be sorry if I hurt your feelings, if that meant getting a kiss and a fondle later.
Alex Ah'm gunna get a tickert ter the Olympercs if ah win ert. And ah'm gunna ave a biscurt. And ah'm gunna get mah tea and dunkert.
Faye Do you like me though Aarern? But do you reallay? But do you? But do you reallay? But do you though? But do you?
Jay Why ah'm canny like. Discoo.
Louise I don't know what's happenin' Big Bruvva.
Tom Look at me willy, Bab.

And don't forget the most wonderful catchphrase of all.... "You're one of my best mates in here"

So to provide some welcome entertainment in what is otherwise a wilderness, here are some jokes that we have come up with.

Did you hear about the bad tempered android? He had a chip on his shoulder.

I'm getting fed up of seeing Dermot O'Leary. It's like my TV's got Dermotitis.

Have you been to www.optrex.com? It's a site for sore eyes.

How do pirates relax? They get some arrrrr 'n' arrrrr

Thursday, 20 October 2011

Wake Me Up When It's Over

The best quote of Big Brother, well at least the most true, came from Jay as he and Anton observed the house from their crypt.

"This is like watching paint dry"

Now you know what you've been missing in the outside world Jay...

Bargain of the Century

Had a call from Virgin Media yesterday...

"Hello, I am calling from Virgin Media about your telephone package"

"OK. Is this a sales call?"

No, this is a free call"


FREE! A FREE CALL!

WOW!

Please ring me back again tomorrow so I can really take advantage of this amazing free offer...

Friday, 7 October 2011

The Occupation

I was trying to book a hotel room recently and received this reply:

"Unfortunately I cannot give you accommodation on those dates - my son has come home with a broken leg and is occupying my single room"

Picture the scene... son has been scavenging round the hospital bins again, comes home with broken leg under arm, "Mom, can I keep it?", "No, throw it out, the dirty thing", so he goes to his room and refuses to come out.

First he occupies the single room. Then France. It's how Hitler started.

Monday, 3 October 2011

Maisy Muscles In

Absolutely true to form, Maisy is now muscling her way into Louise and Jay's blossoming love triangle.

She has switched her attention from being Faye's best mate, dropping little seeds into Faye's mind like Aaron's not really trustworthy, there's something not quite right with him, I like him a bit and I know he likes me but don't worry, I think he likes you too but remember, you can't trust him. Yeah, but would you go out with him in the real world? Yeah, but would you kiss him? You see, I'm not so sure. I just think he's not really that into you, you know what I mean? I mean I get on with him, but don't trust him, he's just using you. I'm your friend. I'm the only person you can trust. You know what I mean?

Now she's saying the exact same stuff to Louise about Jay.

Just keep an eye on her over the coming weeks as she tries to do the same with every couple who pair off, bar Alex and Tom who are in a world of their own.

And hopefully, someone will step back far enough to see it in action and she'll get the slap across the chops that she so deserves.

Saturday, 1 October 2011

Eurostar 2012

We've just seen an advert on the telly for Eurostar to take you to the London 2012 olympics.

One problem... We're already in England. They should be showing the advert to the people in France.

Get the agency on the phone...

My Brother's Bigger Than Your Brother

Well, you're probably wondering why we're not saying much about Big Brother. Well, what is there to say? It's like silent slapstick comedy. It needs no explanation. Custard pie in face. What more do you want?

We feel that it's about time for a character assassination, so let us take up our position on the grassy knoll and frame our feckless convict.

In no particular order...

Tom Sweet little boy. Puts on a veneer of naivety yet has hidden emotional depths. Will probably win through a combination of being inoffensive and getting both the girl and gay vote.
Jay What a shy young man hiding behind a tough exterior. Epitomises the theory that body art is a shield. Hopefully he'll be around long enough for us to find out why.
Mark Seemed a bit pointless at first, but we have grown to like him. Very funny. Nice philosophy on life. Could be a surprise winner, simply because he doesn't annoy anyone.
Aaron Liked him at first, but is clearly a manipulative game player. He got away with it once, but then allowed Maisy to play him and, amazingly, got Tom and Faye back on side without even having to apologise! His luck will run out, though.
Aden Annoying little pratt. We thought he'd have tired of the tough guy gangsta image by now, but no, following a brief emotional respite he's back, and his baseball cap is as gangsta as ever.
Anton Another annoying little pratt, and a wind up merchant to boot with a very unpleasant disrespect for women. The sad thing is, it doesn't seem real, just a facade like Aden's.
Harry Nice boy who plays up when bored. He'll be out in the second round, where nomination criteria change to 'least interesting housemate'.
Maisy What a wonderfully manipulative young lady. It's quite bizarre to think that the other contestants can't see her playing them. Everything she does is conceived to cause conflict and leave her the only one the contestants can trust. Her luck will run out.
Faye A lovely girl. Almost too honest for her own good, but a touch of drama queen pulls her back in line, otherwise she would be defenceless in the BB house. Interesting personality for a wrestler.
Heaven As Jay so nicely put it, a nice girl but you couldn't spend five minutes with her. Exited the BB house like Bambi on ice. All arms, legs and teeth.
Rebekah The way she played Aden was superb. Aden, unable to speak, looked on in mock anger as Aaron rubbed her feet and Harry snuggled up to her. And what a lovely message she gave her competitors, for having the gall to nominate her off a game show. And Aden is holding a torch for her. He'll need it, it's dark in those strip clubs.
Louise Perfectly suited to Jay. Tough, ice maiden kind of exterior and just wants a man to sweep her off her feet. Surprisingly timid, she makes occasional forays into the social scene of the house which often end badly.
Alex What a strange little clique she has formed with Tom! Clearly, she feels like a fish out of water, as does Tom, and they both feel safe with each other. It's us against the normal people.
Tashie Who?

There you go then. Happy now?

Monday, 26 September 2011

Looooooosers!

The X Factor judges have made their selections. This year it isn't called 'bootcamp' but 'judge's houses' or something.

One by one we saw the judges find out which category they would be mentoring, indicating a hidden hand at work, guiding their fate. Could it be Simon Cowell?

By coincidence, every judge opened the door to find their very favourite category, the one they really really wanted inside. How fortunate.

Louis got the old no-hopers that are only there to make up the numbers and make the kids look good. Yes, definitely Simon Cowell is that hidden hand.

Gary Barlow said "I'm going to be on you boys day and night". Steady on, Gary, they've got rehearsing and stuff to do. We don't think there's time for that.

Sadly, the auditions are now over, for they are the best bit. One by one we saw the acts singing for a chance to go home with a judge. They pulled out all the stops. A weird rocker Axel Rose/bloke out of Aerosmith/Mick Jagger/Madonna throwback stopped mid-song for a chat with Gary. The audience booed. He cried.

A number of girls took their clothes off and climbed all over the judge's table. Or the pianist. Or tried to climb all over a judge's pianist. If you get our drift.

And the judges stared at each other in disbelief, as if to say, "Who voted these clowns through?"

Erm.... YOU DID!!!!!!

Then came the judging. I'm sorry guys, you're going home. Your hopes and dreams are dashed on the rocks like dead seagulls. All those nights spent in front of the bathroom mirror with a hairbrush are wasted. You should have spent that time practising miming rather than perfecting your pop star stupid hairdo.

Honestly, a girl with pink hair, Kendo with blue and green. Are they pop stars or gonks?

X Factor contestants line up for the judge's decision

We think it would have been better if the judges had all just shouted "Looooosers!!!"

Cue sad music.

66668 BONGO!!!

A new advert has appeared on our televisual viewscreens where someone shouts  "66668 BONGO!" and some children laugh at their mobile phones. We presume they're watching happy slapping videos.

But no, this is a fantastic new service that tells you stuff about yourself. All you have to do is give the providers of Bongo your full name, the town where you live, and of course they have your mobile number.

Bongo then Googles your name and tells you that your friends on Facebook think you're gullible for subscribing to a service where some marketing people now know your name, your phone number and where you live.

Hmmm... now what could they do with such information?

But who is this remarkable Bongo of whom we speak? Apparently,

"Bongo is a cheeky, funny, super-intelligent monkey.

He was born in the rainforests of Borneo and after showing early signs of super-intelligence (he could say the alphabet backwards in no less than 100 different languages at the tender age of onemonth), Bongo decided to explore beyond the rainforest. He has never looked back."

So what? I was born in the rainforests of Birmingham and I can do that too...

English: ZYXWVUT.....

French: ZYXWVUT.....

German: ZYXWVUT.....

I think you get the idea.

Anyway. The overall message here is DO NOT SUBSCRIBE TO STUPID STUFF ON YOUR MOBILE PHONE OR YOU WILL LIVE TO REGRET IT

Don't say we didn't warn you...

Saturday, 24 September 2011

UBS: Uber-Grubel's Been Sacked

Oswald Grübel has resigned, saying, "I feel that I have to take responsibility for what has happened."

Remember, just a couple of days ago, he said, "If you ask me if I feel responsible, then I say no."

Interesting change of heart...

Lord Sugar "OK, team ThievingBankers, who was team leader?"
Team TB "It was Oswald, Lord Sugar"
Oswald "Not it wasn't! I didn't do it! It was Kweku"
Lord Sugar "Was it you or wasn't it?"
Oswald "I feel that I have to take responsibility for what has happened"
Lord Sugar "Well, Oswald, the task this week was to invest some of my money on the stock market, and I've got to say that your performance was not good. I'm not bloody impressed."
Nick Team Thieving Bankers results are: A loss of $2.3 billion
Lord Sugar Bloody Hell. And I thought Stuart Baggs was bad. As team leader, who would you say is responsible for the failure of this task?
Oswald "If you ask me if I feel responsible, then I say no"
Lord Sugar Oswald... You're fired.

Monday, 19 September 2011

All Moves Insurance Fraud

OK, so I don't normally do this, because it's not really the subject of the blog, but since we don't have a blog entitled All Moves removals company in Nottingham insurance fraud, this one will have to do.

Let me tell you the sorry tale... It's a very very long story, so I'll cut it down dramatically. It's taken 16 months to sort out, and it's a lesson for anyone suffering at the hands of insurance companies.

And in particular, if you are looking for a removals company in Nottingham or Derby then you'll definitely want to read this.

UBS: Unbelievably Big Scandal

So the latest news in the UBS saga of blame and avoidance has arrived. The losses attributed to the rogue trader, Kweku Adoboli, have now been revised to $2.3 billion. That's $2300000000.

Kweku now goes by the pseudonym "UBS", meaning "Untrustworthy Bank's Scapegoat"

Apparently, he used the same dodgy dealing system as used by a French trader in 2008. So... they knew about it? They knew that this was entirely possible? They knew how it could be done? They knew the signs to look out for?

No, apparently, it was like "a terrorist attack that was impossible to prevent".

WHOA!! Hang on. The governments of the world, and by world I mean America and Britain, keep on telling us that they're spending billions of amounts of our money every year on national security to PREVENT TERRORIST ATTACKS!! So now they're saying that terrorist attacks can't be prevented? Even when you know exactly what a terrorist will do? And he works for you? And you track every trade that takes place? And he sits at a desk in your office every day?

And I had to take my bloody shoes and belt off at airport security only to find that terrorist attacks can't be prevented?

UBS officials have said, "It wasn't our fault. It was him! He did it! That junior trader in the corner! Get him!"

What they actually said, according to the FT, was...

"The positions taken were within the normal business flow of a large global equity trading house as part of a properly hedged portfolio. The true magnitude of the risk exposure was distorted because the positions had been offset in our systems with fictitious, forward settling, cash exchange traded fund positions, allegedly executed by the trader."

They went on to say that the dilithium crystal matrix was overloaded with tachyon radiation, causing a proton surge and a cascade of negative space time which itself led to a causal interdimensional rift in the quantum antimatter accelerator.

In short, their explanation is designed purely to confuse the hell out of people while they sneak out the back door and all head off to the Cayman Islands.

And the CEO was off sick that day. And anyway, he's an old man and stop picking on him. We're Swiss! We're neutral! Leave us alone! We've crossed all our fingers! You can't get us!

Oswald Grübel, the 67 year old CEO, took full responsibility for the problems, as the man in charge and therefore ultimately tasked with overseeing the bank's conduct.



"If you ask me if I feel responsible, then I say no." He said. Later, he added, "My future is not decided by me alone. Ultimately, the buck stops with me." - with his fingers crossed behind his back.

That sounds just like Rupert Murdoch's heartfelt apology to the family of Milly Dowler. "I am so very, very sorry that anyone found out about this."


Saturday, 17 September 2011

World Wide Yank

Hot on the trail of Hilary Devey's Google antics, never let it be said that we leave any stone unturned in our endless quest for more traffic to our blog.

It's a strange old thing; we mentioned Hilary Devey and Google indexed those words, which winged their way across the Internet empire and onto the screen of some spotty young chap, hunched double over his keyboard as he scoured the World Wide Web for pictures of said Dragon without her American football style shoulder pads on, hoping to light up his little cortex for a World Wide W***k.

So, since Gurgle brings us visitors for no apparently good reason other than we happen to mention something that is of interest to lonely people in their spare bedrooms, here's an interesting snippet from Google's search engine data; the 20 most popular search terms in America as of right this very minute.

1. ron artest
2. metta world peace
3. day of rage
4. mayweather vs ortiz
5. floyd mayweather
6. reno nevada
7. maker faire
8. lake powell
9. ron artest name change
10. oxford comma
11. the lion king 3d
12. pat robertson
13. detroit tigers
14. dolphin tale
15. boise state
16. sportsbook
17. chili recipe
18. hakeem nicks
19. the hub
20. apple crisp recipe


What, the yanks aren't interested in the events in Libya? Or the latest impending hurricane?

No. It turns out that the yanks are most interested in some idiot who changed his name to promote a video game, and a recipe for cake.

God Bless America.

Thursday, 15 September 2011

We Will Not Rest

UBS (Union Bank of Switzerland) is one of those corporate finance behemoths that played a key role in us all losing our credit limits and not being able to get mortgages, the greedy b@$t@rd$.

Anyway, they, like many of the mega-banks, have been rebranding to show us all how wonderful and trustworthy they are now that they've hoovered out our life savings.

Their new catchphrase is..... "We will not rest"

It's a wonderful ambiguity.

We will not rest... until we have made the financial services world a better, safer place?

We will not rest... until we have taken every last penny off you?

We will not rest... until the regulators stop watching us?

Yes, that's more like it. Especially in light of this week's news that a rogue trader at UBS, one Kweku Adoboli, lost $2 billion in dodgy dealing. To put that into perspective, that's about the same as a thousand people will earn in a lifetime. That's about the number of people who have been charged with rioting in London.

So if you took all the people who have been charged, in court, with rioting in London, and you add up all the money they would earn in a lifetime if they got off their sponging backsides and earned a crust, that's about what Kweku Adoboli frittered away on the posh equivalent of scratch cards.

UBS say that he acted single handedly and without any of his managers knowing anything about it.

Hmm...

We have rogue reporters, writing stories in a national newspaper, and no-one at the newspaper has any clue how those stories got there, and why they're paying a man who is in prison.

Now we have a bank who knows absolutely nothing about what its traders are up to. Traders who presumably can't trade with IOUs written on post-it notes, they have to use trading systems, and trading systems are tracked and logged. Ah well, turn a blind eye while he's on the up and if it all goes pear-shaped, we'll say he was a rogue agent. We'll disavow him like on Mission Impossible.

And to top it all, Kweku Adoboli is an anagram of 'I look weak, Bud'. Yeah, you do.

Nick Leeson was the original rogue trader.

If you're not familiar with the term 'rogue trader' then it is a technical banking term for 'scapegoat'.

Hilary Devey - Don't Even Think About It

There's been a sharp increase in the number of visitors to this blog recently, and you'll never guess why.


No, go on, guess.


Because of Big Brother?

Nope. No-one's watching it.

Because of our cutting insights and razor sharp wit?

Nope. As if.

Because of Henry, the mild mannered janitor?

Now you're being silly.


I'm afraid to say that the answer is somewhat disturbing. Cover your eyes now if you are of a sensitive disposition. I'm covering my fingers as I type this, just to be on the safe side.

People; Internet using, computer literate, Dragon's Den watching people, people like you, are searching for "Hilary Devey naked".

Yes, you read that correctly.

Of course, we don't actually have any photos of Hilary Devey naked. We pray to God that no-one does. Saints preserve us. Mummy mummy mummy.


Saturday, 10 September 2011

Paddy Power!

Following Paddy's victory on CBB, we can now expect to see the following:

Paddy as the public voice of traveller's rights, campaigning against the dreadful way that they are treated by society. And do you have change for a tenner? I'll tell you what, give me the change now, and I'll go and get the tenner...

Paddy on every talk show. "So what was it like in the house?" "Well, it was a lot bigger than a caravan... and there were no police. I was used to the cameras, though."

Paddy in a Go Compare! advert. Unfortunately, they missed out with the Egyptian themed one, he could have come out of a sarcophagus shouting "Mummy! Mummy! Mummy!"

Paddy as the face of a new government campaign to stop kids getting into fights. "Kids, listen, I regret every fight I ever got into. Every one. Now stop fighting or I'lll punch yer lights out. And yer Dad's."

Paddy as a judge on next year's Britain's Got Talent. "What's yer name and what's yer talent?" "My name's Mick and I can tarmac a drive in 10 seconds flat." "Yer through to the next round, Mick."

Paddy for Mayor of London.

What a shame the News of the World isn't around, they'd have loved this. Their headline would have been "Paddy Power", like the bookies, geddit? Yep, that would have been right up their street. But not ours. We're way too intellectual.

Friday, 9 September 2011

The Death of 'Celebrity'

Well, that says it all, really.

Celebrity Big Brother 2011 was won by someone who isn't actually a celebrity, in any traditional sense of the word.

He is, however, someone who has appeared in a documentary, and documentaries are now known as 'reality TV'.

So the next series of celebrity Big Brother will feature:
  • The woman from How Clean Is Your House who had poo on her bathroom ceiling
  • The man from Come Dine With Me who made a sauce out of tinned soup
  • The man who pitched a new design of light fitting in Dragon's Den
  • Someone who was dining in the restaurant in Hell's Kitchen and said that the prawns were delicious
  • The couple from Ground Force who wanted their garden to be an outside room for entertaining friends
  • The surveyor from Cowboy Builders who said that a builder's workmanship was "OK"
So there you have it. Famous people just aren't interesting any more.

Tuesday, 6 September 2011

To Coin a Phrase...

So apparently a glittery bit of tat that you glue to your.... you know... is called a vajazzle. Or something like that. It's in Amy's top 5 beauty tips.

Not drink plenty of water to keep your skin clear.

Not cucumber slices on the eyes.

Not taking off your makeup before you go to bed.

No. Stick a glittery piece of tat down your knickers. And that's a beauty tip.

Anyway, we think that vajazzle is a terrible word, so we'd like to suggest a better one.

Blinge

Think about it.

OK, now stop thinking about it. You'll go blind.

Celebrity Big Fat Gypsy Brother

Channel 5's strategy is quite brilliant, actually. Take a bunch of talentless, unknown or has-been wannabes, stick them in an Ikea showroom for the weekend and by the time it's all over, they've become celebrities, thus earning a legitimate place in celebrity great big waste of electricity.

So we have, what was it, 2 or 3 evictions? Then we're left with about 8 people in the house. Then the producers get bored and say, oh, no-one's watching anyway, let's just have the final vote. They might as well just have held a raffle. Pink 76? The young man in the white vest wins a jar of pickled eggs. Lucky lad.

The 'bit on the side' companion is equally pointless. They are so scraping the barrel that their two star guests are people who didn't win big brother last time. And a surprise guest, Christopher Biggins, who will of course jump at any opportunity to walk down a flight of stairs in his pyjamas with no underpants on. And he reckons he's not a pervert.

Biggins can only comment on how hot the young men are. The ex contestants can only comment on how their time in the house was. The dishevelled man in the front row can only comment on anything at all, just to get on the telly, while always holding his hands as if he's about to molest Amy Childs.

Meanwhile, we can sum up the highlights of this debut for C5's BB with these bullet points:


  • Mummy mummy mummy mummy mummy... ooooohhhhh mummy mummy mummy... ooooohhhhh mummy mummy mummy... 
  • Erm... that's it

And now it's only 4 days to go until normal service is resumed, general public big brother returns and we're back to watching a bunch of nobodies arsing around like animals in a zoo whilst trying to develop some kind of future media career for themselves.

Or is that what we have been watching?

Sunday, 21 August 2011

It's Celebrity Paint Drying

Celebrity Big Brother is motoring along at a feverish pace now. We've seen such mayhem and wild antics as:

A man wiping the sink

Jedward hanging their clothes up (do they count as one contestant?)

A woman asking a traveller if he has moved around a lot

The most obvious clue that Channel 5 really scrape the barrel when it comes to celebs is that they show little subtitles to tell you the name of the person who is talking. And we still have no idea who half of them are.

They apparently wanted to launch the all new Big Brother with a celeb version to pull in the ratings. But since most of them are actually less famous than the general public, they needn't have bothered.

My goodness, it's tedious.

X Factor is Also Back!

X Factor is back on our tellys with its usual blend of painful wannabees, novelty warblers and Dermot O'Leary feeling up the female contestants.

But what twist do we have to liven things up a bit?

Not one but two girls who apparently used to be famous are on the panel of judges, along with Gary Barlow who appears to have taken Simon Cowell's place as the token grumpy expert. And Louis Walsh is as bright eyed and sentimental as ever.

As for the acts, we have some kind of lap dancer from Hong Kong, some kind of tap dancer from Birmingham and some kind of crap dancer from wherever the hell he can get his sorry arse back to.

And also the token pratt with stupid hair.

And the token shy girl from a tiny village. And we know she's through, otherwise why would they send a film crew to Ireland to film a shot of the name of her tiny village where she was locked away in her bedroom like Rapunzel singing into the mirror. Or, as the voice over said, pretending to sing. How do you pretend to sing? Do they mean miming?

But the most wonderful and magical thing of all is this year's competition. Yes, you can actually win... wait for it... a day in the life of Britney Spears!!

So that means you get married for a day, get off your face on drugs and booze, fall out of a taxi and have your kids taken off you.

Saturday, 20 August 2011

Big Brother is Back!!!

Yes, just when we thought it was safe to turn on the TV, Channel 5 have once again grabbed Channel 4's cast offs out of the bin and are proudly giving us Celebrity Big Brother.

But wait, it's Celebrity Big Brother with a unique twist.

There are no celebrities in it, it's not big, and it's not my brother.

There's the pinnacle of creative thinking for you.

It's highly unlikely that we'll be posting regular goings on from the house, basically because it doesn't look very interesting and we'd rather watch repeats of QI.

Friday, 19 August 2011

Propaganda

Following the riots across the UK, the British government is getting tough on the rioters, threatening to evict them and their families from the council houses they live in which are in turn paid for by our council tax. The thieving spongers.

However, as many people are saying, where's the best place for the families of rioters? On the streets with nowhere to go? The problem with social housing is that you can't take it away when people depend on it, whether they choose to play by the rules or not.

Yesterday, I was driving through London and I saw a large group of police in full riot gear, gathered round the door of a flat. A large crowd watched from the other side of the road.

Full riot gear? Serious stuff.

So why wasn't the road closed?

Simple. The police weren't there for the protection of the public. They weren't there to take a dangerous criminal into custody. They were there purely for the purpose of propaganda. To show the locals, and anyone driving past, that they simply won't stand for this kind of thing any more.

And the best way to demonstrate this? Have twenty police thugs in full riot gear drag a teenager off in a police van.

Next, you'll see David Cameron on TV threatening to torture a kitten if criminals don't turn themselves in:
 
Oh, wait... It turns out that truth is indeed stranger than fiction:


Tuesday, 9 August 2011

You Just Know This Smells....

Doing a spot of house-hunting and came across this magnificent carpet.



This demonstrates a remarkable series of events. A designer had to come up with the idea for that monstrosity. Their manager had to say, "Hey, that's nice!", the sales person had to sell it to the shop, the shop keeper had to sell it to the customer, the customer had to say, "Hey, that would look smashing in our living room".

You'd think that someone would have slapped one of them, somewhere along the way.

Sunday, 7 August 2011

Amy Winehouse Goes For Her Last Spin

Last week saw the sad passing of one of the world’s best loved and most talented celebrities, someone who has given us so much joy and pleasure, someone, without whom, our TV screens will simply not be the same.

Yes, Ed Flesh, the creator of the “Wheel of Fortune” has died, age 79. And he didn’t create the TV show, no. He created the actual wheel itself.

Coincidentally, on the other side of the Atlantic, the singer Amy Winehouse has spun her own wheel of fortune for the last time.

Plagued by her own “wild child” image of sex, drugs, rock’n’roll, drugs, sex, drugs, booze, drugs, booze, fighting, drugs and sex, Winehouse wandered in and out of rehab like a catholic priest with the keys to the orphanage.

And it’s not like she wasn’t warned.

Apparently, some of her friends had her telephone number stored on their mobile phones as “Mummy”. Her biographer, Chas Newkey-Brown, says that this was because she mothered them.

Alternatively, it was because she was always embalmed in alcohol and wrapped in bandages following a fight with her boyfriend. Or some fans. Or some tabloid photographers. Or all three, in a kind of sex, drugs and rock’n’roll orgy of violence.

Still, it’s not all bad news. An updated version of Amy Winehouse: The Biography by Chas Newkey-Burden will be republished next month, so at least someone’s happy. He has been blogging his little fingers off to make sure we all know where we can get a glimpse into the sad and lonely life of someone who was ultimately just desperate to be famous. I think Amy Winehouse is mentioned in it too.

Given that Winehouse died at 27 and Flesh at 79, it’s clearly safer to make the wheel of fortune than to take your chances with it.

The Amazing Talented Cat

What's wrong with this leaflet that came through our door yesterday?

[Image]


Hang on a minute, a cat that answers to the name Sonney??

Have you EVER known a cat answer to anything other than the sound of a can being opened, or perhaps the pathetic chirping of a baby bird that's fallen out of its nest?

And the fact that the cat even knows to spell its name with an E?

Fishy...

Monday, 1 August 2011

Taxi!

For the love of God, please watch this series of Dragon's Den on BBC TV, and then watch the BBC series from a few years back, League of Gentlemen, featuring the peculiar goings-on in the 'local' town of Royston Vasey. Alternatively, you will find clips on YouTube when you can spare some time in between videos of skateboarders smashing their brains out and monkeys and frogs getting it on.

And then, take a long, hard look at Hilary Devey. Well, not too long. And it's OK, you can keep your eyes closed. Because what you will hear as she declares herself out is the sweet and lilting tones of Barbara, the trans-sexual taxi driver from League of Gentlemen. And when we say sweet and lilting, we mean that they both sound like Bernand Manning gargling gravel.

See for yourself. Here is Hilary Devey, showing off her latest limo:

And here is Barbara:


We don't know. Maybe Barbara and Hilary are the same person. After all, we hear that Hilary made her money in the transport business...

Sunday, 31 July 2011

Who's What?

We've just been to Sunderland Air Show, where the announcer was talking about a pilot who won some award that has been won by lots of daring people.

He said that the list of previous winners of the award read like...

"A who's who of famous people"

???

Wednesday, 27 July 2011

Enter the Dragon

So, thanks to a phone hacking tabloid scandal featuring the captain of the Latvian women's shot-putt team, James Caan is forced to exit Dragon's Den.

No, not really, only joking.

It would seem that there are two types of Dragon in the Den.

The first type that say they are entrepreneurs, but really it's quite obvious that they're wannabe TV celebrities. We know this because they do TV adverts for Loans4Chavs, or they turn up at media festivals in Cannes.

The second type really are entrepreneurs. They spend a couple of seasons in the Den, enough to get themselves known, which increases their own market worth for book deals, new business ventures and so on. And then they move on.

James Caan is the second type.

He is replaced by a woman who, in any case, wouldn't be able to do a TV advert for Money Supermarket because her shoulders wouldn't fit down the aisles.

[Image]
On her BBC profile, Hilary Devey describes herself as "funny" and says that the quality she admires most in her employees is self sacrifice.

She also enjoys working with children, as they don't have the same ridiculous salary expectations as adults.

I'm a Celebrity!! Get this Inmate Out of Me!!

Well, well, well.

This week, we saw Piers Morgan on the American version of The Celebrity Apprentice. He's not a celebrity. He's not American. But that's OK, because Donald Trump doesn't have a comb over, so everyone's happy with the lie.

We saw Stephen Baldwin prancing around on a table with two half naked boxers, tipping coffee into the team laptop and ruining all their hard work.

The US Apprentice is very different to the UK version, with blatant product placement from corporate sponsors. In the boardroom showdown, the Trump asked the man with the hair if he could even remember the model name of the excellent value and high quality new printer from Kodak that they were supposed to have been selling. Hint, hint.

And his parting words to the loser were, "I love you, but you're fired".

Can't see Lord Sugar saying that.

Anyway, we digress. The point of this ramble is to share the wonderful news that the police enquiry of phone hacking at the NOTW has moved on. No-one really believes that hacking over 3,000 peoples' voicemails, all in the public interest of course, was limited to the NOTW. So let's see... what other tabloid newspapers had a history of dodgy reporting methods? Like faking a photo on the front cover of a British soldier beating up an Iraqi prisoner? Erm... that would be the Daily Mirror, under the editorial leadership of...

Piers Morgan!!

No wonder he was so keen to dash off to the US to seek his fame and fortune as a posh spoken, podgy faced English twit.

Now you may recall, and if you don't you can read the story here, that Piers Morgan denied, to David Hasslehoff's face, knowing anything about his staff putting a video of the drunken Hoff on the Daily Mirror website.

Did he know that the photo, and the story, on the front page of the newspaper, was faked?

No, of course not. As editor, he wouldn't get involved in such details as that. He'd leave that all up to an independent contractor who is no longer with them, and who moved to South America, and anyway, he's dead. And we deleted all his emails. And we can't even remember his name. But he wore sunglasses. And a blue suit. And had a posh voice. And was last seen arguing with Stephen Baldwin...


Monday, 18 July 2011

The Apprentice Limps Home

Oh dear. The Apprentice finally limps home to its big anti climax.

No final task. No return of the contestants to sabotage each other. No cheesy adverts and pitches to baying crowds of industry experts.

And we didn't even get to see much of the interviews either.

We got to see a lot of waiting around, a lot of fake smiles, a lot of cars shuttling people back and forth and a lot of... well, hot air, really.

This year's final was based solely on each contestant's business plan, which were as follows:

Tom Devices. No, a monitoring service. No, devices to prevent loss through absence. What he meant to say was "orthopaedic office chairs".
Susan Cosmetics that she made in her kitchen using margarine and porridge.
Helen A service to make dentist appointments for poor people. Otherwise known as a 'concierge service franchise'.
Jim A service whereby Jim tells Alan how fantastic he is each day. We mean e-learning skills to teach schoolchildren how great Alan is. We mean employability skills. And if they're lucky, employment by Alan, who is great.

OK, so spot the odd one out. Three business plans based on what the contestants already do for a living and would like to continue to do, funded by Lord Sugar Daddy. One business plan based on the premise that Lord Sugar is vain, egocentric and can't see past his own fringe. But Jim's big mistake is that this is the British apprentice. The judge is not Donald Trump but Sir Alan Lord Sugar OBE. He can't win him over by buttering up his comb-over.

Jim tries bravely to recover by suggesting that his business is a non-profit venture. Charity may begin at home, but you're not at home, Jim. You're in Alan Sugar's house. And Al is in da house, and he already "does his bit" for charity, so they can all get lost. The bloody spongers.

And Jim is therefore the first casualty of this dog eat everydog, one trick dog and pony show. Take your tired old clichés and stick 'em where the sun don't shine, sunshine.

Susan's business plan is based on a simple premise. She can make a grand in a weekend at a tourist market in London, employing 15 illegal immigrants and making the products in her kitchen with no safety testing or regulatory costs, so if she had stalls in 20 markets, multiplied by 52 weekends, that's a million pounds!! Easy!

Why didn't we think of that?

Oh yes, because we're not 21 and we've got some common sense, that's why.

Susan's biggest selling point is to have Alan Sugar's name behind her brand. Right. Alan Sugar, darling of the cosmetics industry. Walking advert for skincare.

Wouldn't that be like using Duncan Bannatyne's name to sell a book on how to be pleasant?

And Susan was out on her ear.

Helen's business plan was simple. You do people's admin for them. Now, because the editors chose not to show us much of any interest, it's difficult to see how she planned to make money out of it. Basically, you do it in one of two ways, you charge a fee to the customer, and/or you charge commission to the services that you use. But make any money out of it?

All that it came down to was the fact that Lord Sugar doesn't do service businesses. He likes products. Scale. Volume. Licensing. Retailers. Margin. Money. More money.

It's no wonder that Lord Sugar found the decision so difficult. There wasn't a clear winner in terms of the business plan, so he had to go with the person. The reason that Tom won it was that he was the only person who put forward a plan based on a mass produceable product.

And, as it transpired in the after-show interviews, Lord Sugar isn't actually interested in the chair at all. He wants the curved nail files. He wants to sponge off Tom's past ingenuity and hard work.

Careful, Tom. He wants to own your ass.

Now, here's what we would have done if we were Lord Sugar.

We'd have gone into business with Tom and hired Helen as Operations Manager and Jim as Sales Manager.

Now that WOULD be a bloody good business.

Thursday, 14 July 2011

Natasha is Just Not Interested

"The remaining candidates fight for the chance to be Lord Sugar's bitch.... we mean business partner"

This final competitive task is, in his Lordship's words, "To find out which fast food restaurant's got legs"

Well, we think that KFC's got legs. We just don't know from what species.

What about mini pies? They're more suitable for women, according to Helen. So let's create mini pies, for women with smaller appetites, and then give them three, just so they don't feel left out.

Susan is, according to Jim, the resident expert on Mexican food. Susan lives up to this lofty expectation with, "Have you ever been to Mexico? What do they eat? Chiili? Tomatoes? Ariba! Ariba!"

We think the closest Susan has come to Mexican culture is watching Speedy Gonzales. She could have taken a leaf out of his book when it came to customer service.

Helen is in the pie lab with Heston Blumenthals' younger brother. He tries to convince her that putting live frogs and an exploding goat into a pie, made to look like a pineapple but tasting like cheese would be fantastic. Helen sticks to her guns.

Natasha and Susan spin round in their chairs, staring into space, trying to think up catchy brand names. And that is why they are not inventors. Because they presume that the answer is in their own heads, and if they stare into space for long enough, it will magically appear.

Tom, on the other hand, is a real inventor. He goes out looking for inspiration, misreads a sign and MyPy is born. This is how all of the great inventions are born. Dyson invented the vacuum cleaner by looking at cyclonic filtration systems in factories. Thomas Edison invented Small Pox by hanging around with dirty milkmaids. And Og the Inventor invented the wheel by watching a fat Brontosaurus rolling down a hill.

That's what it's all about... inspiration.

Natasha and Susan turn to their great leader, their creative muse, their spiritual guide for help. Jim.

"We're struggling"

"OK, what about something catchy and Mexican... Caracas? Is that the word? Or is it Maracas? No, Caracas"

That's right. A Mexican restaurant named after the capital of Venezuela.

With a solid and inspiring brand to rally around, Natasha and Susan set to creating the whole Caracas experience. A polystyrene cactus and some sombreros. Natasha wants peppers in the logo. Susan, professor emeritus in Mexican culture, says that you don't have peppers in Mexican food, so they can't have a pepper in the logo.

Whoa, hang on. No peppers in Mexican. Not even chilli peppers? A chilli pepper like in Chiquito's logo?

Never mind. She's the expert.

Meanwhile, Tom, inspired up to the eyebrows, creates a real brand. And it is utterly, utterly brilliant.

The restaurants are open, and Susan is telling people that their food will be out in just 10 minutes. Maybe 15. Not only does she have a slender grasp on Mexican culture, she is also struggling with the concept of 'fast' food.

It's feedback time from the fast food experts.

MyPy - what would you do in the summer?

Tom's inventive brain leaps to the rescue... "Cold pies! Like, pork pies would be nice" That's right.

It's MyPy's new summer collection! All the stodge and none of the temperature!!

Jim is challenged on his business model. How many people can he serve in an hour?

Well, if we serve 60 people in 2 hours at £7 each, that's... erm... four thousand.... no... two hundred... no hang on, Susan, lend me your toes...

£420.

But the question was "in an HOUR"

So that's £210.

And when Jim went and picked the brains of an oddly co-operative Mexican fast food restaurant owner, he was told that they serve over a hundred people in an hour. Jim is projecting 30.

Well, at the rate they served people, even 30 is ambitious.

Natasha explains her brand positioning to the experts. "We like to encourage our customers to hang up their sombreros".

The results are in and the board are looking gloomy.

Helen and Tom get 7/10 for their pies

Jim, Natasha and Susan get 4/10 for their lukewarm pseudo-Mexican slop

Praise the bloody Lord!!!!

Tom looks utterly, utterly dumbfounded. He is literally stunned. He cannot comprehend the fact that he is in the final.

And you know what? Our money, or at least some of it, has been on Tom for some time now. He isn't a salesman, and Alan has made it very clear that he doesn't want a salesman. Tom is also a team player, an inventor and a details man. Perfect.

Jim, on the other hand, is nothing but a salesman. He's great when he's chatting up the ladies to buy an umbrella, but put him under pressure to defend the details and he absolutely falls apart. There is nothing behind his charm.

Susan admits that none of the team had a business plan. Natasha blames it on a lack of communication.

But Natasha has a degree in hospitality? Why didn't she step up and sort out the food? Well, she studied International Hospitality Management and she never was interested in food, and she didn't want to do it, and she was never interested in it.

Jim is looking very, very worried. He is really struggling to defend himself from the combined onslaught of Susan and Natasha. Why? Because he has used up all his charm. He has fallen right into their trap. He can only charm them when they want him to, when they are happy to go along with it. But put the big prize on the line? Jim is easy prey. Very easy. We think that, as much as we like Jim, that puts him out of the running.

All that Jim can manage is a feeble, "I am totally open, I have always said what I think"

Hmmmm....

Lucky for Jim, Lord Sugar's decision is now based on who he think that he can stand to work with the least, and since Natasha has fallen from being a gutsy, go getting, no prisoner taking, tough talking power woman to a mardy, miserable, introverted, "lacklustre", withdrawn wallflower, she has cooked her goose. WITH peppers and smeared in greasy cheese and served up in a limp fajita with sauce oozing all over the place.

Stiil, she's probably not interested.

Wednesday, 13 July 2011

Above the Law

Part of the fuss about the News of the World is the way that Rupert Murdoch just shut the newspaper down, literally overnight, in an attempt to show how seriously the executives take the allegations of illegal activity, and that they are fine, upstanding media professionals who won't stand for such a dreadful show of ill manners.

Yeah, right.

Murdoch did not close down the NOTW to show that he won't stand for such behaviour.

He did not close down the NOTW because the newspaper was too filth ridden to rescue.

And he didn't even close down the NOTW, as some have said, to try to hide evidence and make it difficult for the police to identify what actually went on and who knew what.

No.

What Rupert Murdoch did was show the British government, police and people that he is above the law.

You don't like the way I run my newspaper? I'll show you what I think of your pathetic laws.

Try to tell me how my reporters should behave? I'll kill them all...

His decision was purely and simply a demonstration of his mighty power. And the British government can't do a thing about it.

Oh no! All those jobs! How could he?

We know this sounds cruel, but every employee at the NOTW is complicit in maintaining that cesspit of filth. It's like the people who think it's entertaining to chase and corner a wild animal and then rip it to pieces as it either dies slowly through blood loss, or mercifully quickly through stress, complaining that banning fox hunting has caused the loss of literally some jobs in the poor old countryside.

And not too long ago, many people would have been up in arms about the job losses when slavery was abolished. Where will I get a job as a slave driver now? Oh, what's this? A call centre team leader? I think I could do that...

The politicians all know what's going on. The question is, what will they do about it?

Answers on the back of a stamp...

Friday, 8 July 2011

Farewell, News of the World

And good riddance?

Unfortunately not. Of course the NOTW is not being closed down. How ridiculous.

There will still be a News International, sensationalist, bottom feeding, soft porn Sunday newspaper. It just won't be called the News of the World.

Today, David Cameron (British PM) said that what had happened was "illegal, unacceptable, despicable and disgusting"

I think, to be fair, he knew that months ago when News International were trying desperately to contain the damage. But everyone hoped that the wronged celebs could be paid to keep quiet and that the problem would go away.

If you're wondering what this is all about, then the current hot news in the UK is that one of Britain's oldest, most popular and least respected Sunday newspapers is closing with a week's notice because of a scandal involving the behaviour of its own reporters. A 168 year run brought to an abrupt end.

To be fair, the paper's reporters have always employed questionable techniques. Over the years, they have used methods such as secret filming, entrapment and impersonating various officials to extract 'dirt' from celebrities and public figures. They have brought countless careers to an abrupt end.

And all in the name of the "public interest"

Oh, the public are interested all right, that's why people buy the newspaper. But is it in the public interest? We would argue not.

Let's look at what happened.

Earlier this year, it came to light that NOTW journalists were 'hacking' into celebrities' mobile phone voicemail services. The concept is easy; you can call a number to retrieve your own messages from any other phone. All you need is a PIN. In the old days, you didn't even need a PIN unless you had set one up. But now you can only access it if you have already created a PIN. For years, gutter journalists have bribed mobile phone call centre operators to pass on the details of phones owned by celebrities.

So you have the number, all you need to do is guess the PIN. And with an autodialler, it's relatively easy to stage a 'brute force attack', trying every PIN until you hit the right one.

Once you have the PIN, you just keep dialling in, listening to the messages and hoping to pick up some juicy gossip.

But what if the voicemail has no PIN? Ah... well... it turns out that most of the mobile phone companies will allow you to access your voicemail from your own phone without a PIN. So you'd just need to pick-pocket the celeb's phone, right?

Wrong. You just use a 'spoofing' service that enables you to make one phone look like another. As long as you promise to be sensible and not use it for any illegal purpose.

http://huffingtonpostunionofbloggers.org/2011/09/02/easy-to-spoof-on-you/

Mind you, while you're in, you might as well set up a PIN, then you can access the voicemail from anywhere.

When this first came to light, the NOTW blamed one reporter, who didn't even work for them, he was a freelancer, and he's very naughty, and we had no idea he was doing it and now we've fired him to show what a fine, upstanding and respectable media business we are.

The celebrities involved were paid damages and the whole thing was swept under the carpet, along with all of the other questionable reporting practices at the newspaper.

Over 3,000 victims have been discovered to date. I think that shows that this is not an isolated incident.

The newspaper's owners and editors of course condone and are fully aware of what goes on. Rupert Murdoch's son was on TV, saying how awful it was and that they knew nothing about it. So they don't read their own newspapers? This is like the moment on Pier's Morgan's chat show with David Hasslehoff when he claimed to know nothing about the Daily Mirrors' publication of a photo of David Hasslehoff in a drunken, alcoholic haze. He was he editor at the time, and knew nothing about it?

Media such as the NOTW view celebrities as public property. We made you famous, so now we own you. However, some celebrities don't agree, and in particular, Richard E Grant, would not allow the matter to be forgotten.

The police were in a difficult situation. They largely turn a blind eye to the activities of reporters, in fact there are also allegations of reporters bribing police. Well, doesn't almost every TV drama feature a reporter who gets information from a police source? Didn't the police and reporters all drink in the same pubs? They each regard each other as a necessary evil.

The problem is that the celebrities involved would not shut up, and sooner or later, the police have to accept the fact that they are allowing a criminal act to go widely publicised yet unchallenged. The editor said sorry, so that's OK.

To cap it all, one of the phones that the single, lone wolf, rogue journalist hacked into was that of Milly Dowler, the British girl who was abducted and murdered a few years ago. What were they hoping to find? Evidence to pass to the police? Of course not.

Now the police are involved, everyone's coming out of the woodwork to say how awful it all is. The British PM, Rupert Murdoch's son.

It turns out that the 'rogue reporter' story has been spun too many times. Now the NOTW's editor, Andy Coulson, is being questioned by police, possibly even arrested.

The bottom line is that the NOTW, its editors and all of its staff had a good run. They got away with as much as they could for as long as they could. They stepped over the line countless times, and one time too many.

But what difference will this make?

Will it block News International's bid for BSkyB? Of course not. The activities of a few rogue individuals can't possibly bring the credibility of a global business into question.

Will it mean proper regulation of the media? There is talk of replacing the Press Complaints Commission with a better regulator. Of course not. Society is much bigger than one industry.

Will it mean that the media conducts itself more honourably?

Don't be ridiculous. The media just gives people what they want.

Wednesday, 6 July 2011

It Was Melody's Time

In this, the tenth week, Kool and the Gang visit a warehouse in London to pick up some tat, or as Screaming Lord Sugar calls it, tut.

He dances about like a little fairy. Why? Because he's lovin' it. In his element. Up his alley. In his sardine tin. A cash and carry is his spiritual birthplace.

The teams have two days to sell as much tat as possible based on a starting investment of £250.

But wait for the catch - the task is about reinvestment. He wants them to get back and restock as much as possible. Sell. Smell. Buy. And repeat to a count of ten. And.... relax.

Reinvestment. He really wants them to remember the point of the task, no excuses for missing it like they have done in every other task. Every one. Idiots.

And will they remember?

Hmmm......

Melody jumps into lead her brave Logical warriors. "It's my time", she says.

How prophetic...

"Is everybody behind me?", she asks her team.

"Yes" they say. Yes, Melody, behind you all the way. Pushing you right out the door.

Susan begs to be PM for Venture. "I'm very good at picking up on what can sell", she claims.

Right, at the end of the day, look in the box. Whatever you've got least of, that's what can sell.

Unbelievable.

Susan decides to go door to door in Kensington selling duvets. Door to door! Kensington! And all without an ID card proving that she's a young offender being sponsored to make a living selling overpriced household crap. Will she never learn?

Melody has an inspired idea - the mark of a true scapegoat, we mean leader. Buy some crap from a wholesaler and then go and sell it to some retailers. Erm...

They go into Pound Star. Here's a clue. They don't sell stars. They offer the man some nice £50 watches for just £25. Pound Star. Never mind.

Next, they take duvets into a hardware shop.

Meanwhile, Tom is at the London Eye selling nodding bulldogs, sunglasses and.... a pressure washer.

A pressure washer?

Maybe he should have sold it to the London Eye to keep the capsules clean.

Natasha is really panicking. She says, "I'm not panicking", just to prove it. She tries her hand at selling duvet covers in Covent Garden. Are they union jack, royal wedding commemorative duvet covers?

No, beige polycotton. £25. To tourists.

Helen has had enough and tries to mount a one woman mutiny. She is overthrown by the queen of bigging herself up, Melody.

Back in the boardroom and was Melody a good PM?

"No. Terrible"

Well, that was the most honest answer from the whole series from Helen. However, Helen can't avoid the blame, because she did come up with the idea of buying stuff from a wholesaler and selling it to a retailer.

"After a few retailers, we realised that they want to buy at wholesale prices"

WHAT? Now you tell us....

Natasha consistently failed to reinvest. Now, what was the point of the task again? Let's think... we're sure Jim mentioned it once. Or half a dozen times.

A £100 fine for Venture for failing to reinvest. Harsh!!!

You see, the two teams were told, very plainly by Lord Sugar, that the task was reinvestment, and the success criteria was ASSETS. Not profit. Not turnover. Not sales volume. Not empty boxes. ASSETS.

Team Sales + Stock Purchases Assets Fine Total
Logic £1204 £476 £728 - £728
Venture £1154 £303 £851 £100 £751


What the teams didn't work out is that stock is an asset, because you can sell it tomorrow, and cash is an asset, because you can spend it tomorrow.

So it didn't matter that they had stock left over.

Ah well, it's only Lord Sugar's money at the end of the day.

Natasha won by default, so no treat for Venture. And straight to bed with no tea!!

Back at the house, they're having a very grown up debate about the situation. Natasha says that the reason she completely failed to misunderstand the nature of the task, right at the beginning, was because Susan was complaining on the market stall.

And in the boardroom, Melody takes a massive gamble and pretends to take responsibility. We've got to hand it to her, she's figured out the game and is chancing her hand.

"I should be fired if we just go by this task"

Melody, his Lordship was only too happy to oblige.

Thursday, 30 June 2011

Jim Cheating on The Apprentice!!

In this week's Apprentice, the contestants had to make and sell biscuits.

The Asda buyer is interested in the Special Stars, "How would you launch it onto Asda's shelves?"

Jim jumps right in with a conservative and considered response:

"We would launch it with above the line marketing and below the line marketing and advertise on TV and maybe tie it in with Harry Potter. A very structured and strategic advertising program. With a wand and a wizard."

Later, in the boardroom, Lord Sugar questions Jim on his extravagant promises, and Jim stands by his offer to get Harry Potter on board and use his chocolate star.

"I stand by what I said"

Yeah, because it's not your money, you idiot.

Lord Sugar says that any idiot can get an order from a supermarket by promising a massive product launch. You spend £20 Million on a TV campaign and the supermarkets will be only too happy to let you use their shelves.


But wait, what about the Special Stars win? The massive order for 800,000 boxes that won the task?

Remember what His Lordship said? Any idiot who promises to spend £20 Million on TV advertising can get an order from the supermarkets.

So what Lord Sugar was trying to tactfully say was that JIM CHEATED!!!!!

So next year, we'll get on the show and then go into the big retailers, and this will be our pitch:

"Look, you and I both know this isn't a real product, this is a TV gameshow. So what say I give you £100, right now, and you order a million of my product. Everyone happy?"

Wednesday, 29 June 2011

Zoe gets the biskwits

We were going to say that this weeks task takes the biscuit, but Jim said it over the winner's tea party, and there's no way we would get in the way of Jim taking the credit....

It's Sunday evening, everyone is relaxing in the Big Brother house. We mean the Apprentice Apartment.

A knock at the door, it's the next door neighbour asking for a cup of sugar.

Oh, no, it's Lord Sugar come to check on his beetches.

"Hey beetches, get mah beeteches in the goddam kitchen, beetch. Ah wan a word with yo beetches."

Oh no, it's not beetches, he wants biscuits. Can't he go to the corner shop like everyone else?

Oh, no, wait. He wants the gang to make some biscuits. And guess what? He's not looking for a sales person. But the winner with have sold the most biscuits.

Helen has run food outlets before, so is an obvious choice for PM. But wait, is there a contender?

"This is right up my street, it's what I do", says Susan.

Hang on, doesn't she sell cosmetics? And not very well?

"But it's a similar concept". Yes, I often have my mid morning break with a cup of tea and a yummy pot of eye shadow.

Back at snack HQ, Tom sets about inventing a new biscuit, drawing a schematic of where the raisins will be positioned. By robot, probably.


Tom has invented an emergency biscuit, to be eaten in an emergency. So you buy it in an emergency.

Tom, if I can get to the shops, it's not an emergency.

"Each team will work with a biscuit development boffin"

An old man in a white hat is the boffin. We were expecting a laboratory with bubbling liquids, electrical things and monkeys in cages. Not an old man in a hat with a full range of flour products. And a cooker.

Jim takes over from Susan's normal role, asking, "How feasible is a biscuit for children?"

Hmm, let's think. Biscuits. Children. Could it work?

Melody has a daring concept, "I'm going to do 'Biscuits, the new popcorn'"

"You can be snacking on it while watching TV"

Wow! Can I?

Yes, but not before bed.


It's a blob of dough with marshmallows and cornflakes falling out of it.

"I think this fills a gap in the market"

We think it would fill the gap in the floorboards where the mice come in. She should have been pitching it to B&Q.


Jim runs the focus group, meaning that he fills some kids with sugar and then asks if they like it. That's like asking the kids hanging around the shops if they like smack.

What shape? Star shaped. Shooting stars? Special stars? "I'll take credit for that one" says Jim. They laugh. He says he's only joking. If only. Jim takes the credit for his own conception.

Jim pays one of his colleagues a rare compliment. "I like Helen's personality, but probably because she's passive. Who doesn't like that?"

Hmm... Helen?

Tom has spent hours hunched over his drawing board and chemistry set. He finally bursts from the laboratory, hands raised to the Heavens, crying "It Lives!!"

"Something's gone wrong, I need an emergency biscuit"

A random Welsh woman gets the idea, "Like you put the phone down and you think 'I need a biscuit'?"

Yes, exactly that kind of emergency, random Welsh woman. Never fear, the emergency biscuit is here.

You could put them in little glass boxes on the kitchen wall. Break glass in case of emergency. Smash. Oh no, my biscuit's full of broken glass.

Melody's still harping on about her popcorn/ biscuit homunculus. She has even given her Godless creation a name. It is called "Popscuit"

Sounds like the noise you make when you have diarrhoea.

The old people of Swansea like the heart biscuit. It was a concept they could get their heads round. It's a biscuit. It's a pretty shape. It's everything you want in a biscuit.

But Zoe ruled out the idea. Didn't like it one bit. Is that because Glenn isn't there? Sore subject?

Tom's double biscuit began to take shape. He attached two electrodes and waited for lightning to strike.

Natasha briefs the designer for the Special Stars packaging, "Special stars, take away the description of time, we open up time. Do you get it?"

Open up time? Tom is interfering with the very work of God and Natasha is opening up the fabric of time. The end of the world is nigh.

Melody questions Zoe's market positioning. "Have you made a decision as to what scenario it's aimed at?"

erm... The scenario where I want a biscuit? Is that complicated? Is the world so commercialised now that we need different biscuits for different scenarios?

"Mrs Faversham, would you care for a custard cream with your tea?"

"What the hell? Custard cream? You dozy trollop. Bring me a ginger nut forthwith"

However, Zoe will not be challenged by Melody. "I couldn't give a shiny shit about Melody".

Natasha makes a public announcement in Asda, "I'm going to be demonstrating a new biscuit product"

Demonstrating? We've always wondered what to do with a biscuit.

A man with a big purple nose, gives his feedback, "It's a bit dry that, isn't it?"

At Sainsbury's,Melody and Tom pretend they're at home and the buyers look distinctly uncomfortable. Wouldn't you if someone was in your house eating your biscuits?


Natasha identifies her biscuits USP as "An oatmeal based flapjack biscuit with a chocolate star on top".

Wait, here's an idea. A rich tea with a raisin on top. USP!

Now it's time for the Asda pitch, to be held in the cafe at an Asda store. Odd.

Before going in, Melody tries to hijack the pitch by winding up Zoe, so Zoe responds by doing the role play with Melody.

The buyer says, "If I had digestives on a night in, I'd feel a little bit cheated"

Ooooooh! Get you! You're having a meeting in an Asda cafe and you'd feel cheated by a digestive? Well, we're not getting our biscuit tin out, you'll feel totally conned.

Helen pitches the kid's lard surprise, we mean the Special Stars, to Waitrose.

"Special stars are what children are all about"

The buyer wants to know how they would market a kids product that is so unhealthy?

Helen says, "I don't think we need to be told what's healthy and what isn't. I think we all know what's healthy these days."

That told her.... Bloody do-gooder.

The Asda buyer is interested in the Lardy Stars, "How would you launch it onto Asda's shelves?"

With a catapult?

No, wait, don't launch it onto the shelves. Leave them on the floor because the fat little kids who eat them won't be able to reach the shelves.

Jim jumps right in with a conservative and considered response, "We would launch it with above the line marketing and below the line marketing and advertise on TV and maybe tie it in with Harry Potter. A very structured and strategic advertising program. With a wand and a wizard."

In the board room...

Was Zoe a good team leader? Silence

Jim stands by his offer to get Harry Potter on board and use his chocolate star.

Lord SugarCoatedBiscuit says that any idiot can get an order from a supermarket by promising a massive product launch. You spend £20 Million on a TV campaign and the supermarkets will be only too happy to let you use their shelves.

And the results?

Bixnix - No orders at all

Special Stars - 800,000 boxes if they make them exclusive to Asda


Right at the start, Zoe said that a good product will sell itself, and that she needed to be in the kitchen. But the team talked her out of it, saying she needed to design the packaging. All style, no substance. And she makes biscuits and stuff for a living!

Didn't she learn from Tom's kicking last week?

DON'T LISTEN TO YOUR TEAM!

But Zoe loved it when she tried it.

Back in the boardroom, Zoe blames the product quality. It wasn't premium.

Melody said there was no clear product market.

Tom said that he didn't realise that he was supposed to be making a luxury product.

£1.99 per packet and he didn't realise???

Zoe defended her broad targeting by saying that Bixmix was "Suitable for elderly, children, couples alike"

It's a bloody biscuit!

Tom defends himself, "I came up with a huge number of very powerful ideas"

Zoe's turn, "I signed off the theory of the product and I didn't understand how thick the digestive ring was, it was disgusting and wheaty"

She bloody loved it!!!

Melody, "I came up with quite daring concepts"

Daring? Biscuits?

So who should go? Is it melody? Too disruptive?

Tom? Bad product?

It's Zoe. Strops off, not a word.

Next week, the teams will be selling tat on a street market. What is it with Lord Sugar, wanting to relive his youth through his teams? He's like a pushy parent.

And then, on the "You're fired" autopsy show, Zoe comes on looking like an airline stewardess.

Now that really does take the biscuit.