Saturday, 26 February 2011

Animal Shame

We saw the first episode of Animal Shame on Sky 3. It's like Embarrassing Bodies but for animals.

The first case of animal shame was a cat who scratched and bit his owner.

It's a bloody cat for god's sake. That's what cats do.

The second case was a pig with bad breath.


The third case was a terrapin that smelt of shit.

Well, it shits in its own water, what do you expect it to smell of?

And the presenter! We think she was straight off Playschool. "Oh wow! They're so cute!". Terrapins could be called lots of things, but not cute.

The only shame on Animal Shame is with the choice of presenter. Sky should well be ashamed.

Monday, 14 February 2011

Happy Valentines Day

Do you want to give your loved one a real surprise this Valentine's Day?

Flowers are so clich├ęd, don't you think?

Well, forget Interflora. We're launching a new service that lovers everywhere will be able to use to express their true feelings.

It's called Post-A-Puppy

That's right, an adorable, cuddly puppy, shoved through the letterbox of the one whose heart you want to capture.

And if the object of your lust doesn't have a letterbox then don't worry. Try our alternative service, delivering right through the bedroom window...



No animals were harmed excessively in the making of this blog...

Monday, 7 February 2011


"Our shit looks sexy, man"

No, it wasn't Gillian McKeith sniffing out a delicacy from some jungle celebrity's arse, it was one of the cooks off Hell's Kit-ching describing his team's contribution to Beverley Hills High School's prom menu.

They need a menu for a prom? Their menu should be jam sandwiches, quavers and jelly. Bloody American kids. They watch too much telly, get ideas above their station. They said that they liked fusion food. What the hell is that? Apparently it's putting foods from different cultures on the same plate.

Woo-hoo! Curry and chips! Chilli and chips! Fusion food! We're posh!

When the kids didn't like Vinny's team's menu, he said, "I can't believe it, stupid kids".

For the main course, it was a toss up between dried up old halibut, and a nice steak with raw tuna on top. Raw tuna! What the hell?!

"Lousy kids", said the boys.

The girls responded by squeezing their lard into tight red basques at a theme park.

"Lousy pain in the asses", said the boys.

The girls cooked 20 fillet steaks before they had even served any starters.

"Sometimes I just go stupid", said Nona.

"Work like a machine, not individuals!" yelled Gordon.

The boys responded by saying, "Come on guys, let's go".

Don't the Americans have a talent for saying meaningless stuff that doesn't actually make any material difference to the mess they're in?

"Cook that shit and get it out", said Trev. Obviously some kind of culinary jargon.

"Nobody wants to see a pile of purple baby poop on a plate", said the girls. At last! Something that we can understand!

"Do it nice or do it twice, I don't want to be here all night!" said Russell. More empowering motivational psychology from the boys. Hooray for enablement. Go guys! Let's do it!

Chef Ramsay asked dopey feckless Sabrina to pick the losers. We don't know why, just to shake things up we guess.  Melissa said, "I don't suck but she should let that shit go". "I'm not stupid but like I don't exactly know what to do". Nah, not at all stupid, Sabrina.

"Where's the passion?" enquired Gordy. "The passion's inside, I'm not an external emotional person" replied Emily. And she was OUTAHERE!

Sorry about that outburst, we should keep our passion inside...

Friday, 4 February 2011

How Clean Is Your Spin-Off?

ITV are working on a few new series, based on the popularity of the madcap cleaners, Kim and Baggy.

For cats, How Clean Is Your Mouse?

For firemen, How Clean Is Your Hose?

For suspicious wives, How Clean Is Your Spouse?

For poachers, How Clean Is Your Grouse?

For pimps, How Clean Are Your Hos?

For knights, How Clean Is Your Joust?

For water diviners, How Clean Is Your Dowse?

For tramps, How Clean Is Your Louse?

And of course in true ITV fashion, there will be a phone vote to decide which of these pilot shows become full series. You will still be charged even though your vote may not be counted, mainly because they've already decided who the winner is.


We watched Service for the first time. It's a peculiar concept. In the Apprentice, the winner gets a job at Amstrad (or is that the loser?), in Hell's Kitchen, the winner gets to be head chef at a posh restaurant (unless their work visa is declined) but in Service, the winner gets a scholarship to learn to be a waitress.


Yes, it's a dream come true for the lucky winner, and this week's challenge was to be a waitress at a private dining thing. They got to wait on Gok Kwan (has been), Sophie Ellis-Bextor (never was) and Diarmuid somebody, the red faced gardener who liked putting up scaffolding and steel girders in people's back gardens in Home Front. If you want your back garden to look like a cross between a scrapyard and a lap dancing bar, he is still running his own garden design company.

Our three celebrity ponces had a list of likes and don't likes and said that they simply won't tolerate bad service and if they aren't happy they'll have a paddy. A great big paddy, right there at the dinner table, and they don't care who sees them.

Personally, I think it's worth entering the competition just to be able to 'accidentally' tip a bowl of thai green curry down Gok Kwan's haute couture. And on his posh clothes too.

But hey, when you're an up and coming teenage waitress just waiting to be noticed by a talent spotter from a top notch branch of Pizza Hut,this has to be a high point in your career.

Some bloke who owned a posh restuarant told the hopefuls that in private dining, whatever the client wants, the client gets.

Yeah right. He'll get a bowl of soup on his head if he comes here with that attitude.