Monday, 7 February 2011


"Our shit looks sexy, man"

No, it wasn't Gillian McKeith sniffing out a delicacy from some jungle celebrity's arse, it was one of the cooks off Hell's Kit-ching describing his team's contribution to Beverley Hills High School's prom menu.

They need a menu for a prom? Their menu should be jam sandwiches, quavers and jelly. Bloody American kids. They watch too much telly, get ideas above their station. They said that they liked fusion food. What the hell is that? Apparently it's putting foods from different cultures on the same plate.

Woo-hoo! Curry and chips! Chilli and chips! Fusion food! We're posh!

When the kids didn't like Vinny's team's menu, he said, "I can't believe it, stupid kids".

For the main course, it was a toss up between dried up old halibut, and a nice steak with raw tuna on top. Raw tuna! What the hell?!

"Lousy kids", said the boys.

The girls responded by squeezing their lard into tight red basques at a theme park.

"Lousy pain in the asses", said the boys.

The girls cooked 20 fillet steaks before they had even served any starters.

"Sometimes I just go stupid", said Nona.

"Work like a machine, not individuals!" yelled Gordon.

The boys responded by saying, "Come on guys, let's go".

Don't the Americans have a talent for saying meaningless stuff that doesn't actually make any material difference to the mess they're in?

"Cook that shit and get it out", said Trev. Obviously some kind of culinary jargon.

"Nobody wants to see a pile of purple baby poop on a plate", said the girls. At last! Something that we can understand!

"Do it nice or do it twice, I don't want to be here all night!" said Russell. More empowering motivational psychology from the boys. Hooray for enablement. Go guys! Let's do it!

Chef Ramsay asked dopey feckless Sabrina to pick the losers. We don't know why, just to shake things up we guess.  Melissa said, "I don't suck but she should let that shit go". "I'm not stupid but like I don't exactly know what to do". Nah, not at all stupid, Sabrina.

"Where's the passion?" enquired Gordy. "The passion's inside, I'm not an external emotional person" replied Emily. And she was OUTAHERE!

Sorry about that outburst, we should keep our passion inside...

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