Wednesday, 25 May 2011

Is the Beauty of a Spray Tan More Than Skin Deep? Or is it a Poke in the Eye of the Beholder?

This week, our tepid, sorry we meant intrepid gang of young go-getters were faced with the challenge of selling beauty treatments.

There's the first clue. Treatments.

Off to Birmingham, to sell fake tan. That's like taking coal to Newcastle, or sand to the sahara.

Susan jumped in immediately to rescue her colleagues; "It's what I'm good at, selling beauty products"

Yeah, you might want to try using some, love.

Next into the firing line steps Melody, putting herself forward as an expert on Britain's second city. And no, Manchester is not Britain's second city. Birmingham is. The Venice of the North. Or is it the Skegness of the West?

"The main shopping centre is right in the city centre"

Bloody hell - and we'd been looking everywhere for it!

Tom challenges Melody's recommendation of location. Melody doesn't like being challenged, "I envisage that it will be fine".

Tom asks if she's sure she doesn't want to read the location report a little more carefully.

"I don't need to read it. Thankyou."

Ooooh! Touchy! Pride before a fall?

The first product pitched to the teams is a 'chocolate facial'. They spread chocolate all over your face. Now come on, is there any other way to eat chocolate?

Next, a winge, which is, wait for it, a clip on fringe. We don't know where the 'W' comes from, maybe a winge is a Wearable frINGE? Winge? Geddit?

It's a good job they didn't market it as a Man-made frINGE. That would have sold well. Clip one of these to your faces, ladies.

Next up, a spray tan in a popup tent. Leon doesn't want to do it. A man in a paper hat waits patiently. Leon wants to hide under the stairs.

"Spray him Leon, it doesn't make you gay!"

No Leon. Spraying tanning a naked man does not make you gay. Wearing makeup is a bit suspect though, and Leon already tried that. It made him feel 'very uncomfortable'. Hmmm... Too close to home, Leon?

In the shops, Edna's doing a grand job of not noticing that the women she's talking to already have their own fringes. "You put it on and it looks like you've got a real fringe!"

She's already got a fringe!!!! Does she need another one? I suppose it is true what they say, a woman can never have too many shoes or fringes.

The first customer arrives in the treatment room. "She's running over", says Helen, "So I'll make sure she gives you a little bit extra"

That's the reason she's running over you fool!

Things hot up mid afternoon. Three clients in the treatment room at the same time. It's so busy that they're doing the lava shell massage with the client sitting in an office chair. Relaxing!

And on it goes. Feckless bickering, falling over each other, allowing customers to walk away without taking them to the treatment area, selling low margin products instead of high margin services, and as usual, paying too much attention to the gobby pratt who at the start of the task claims to be an expert in the subject area.

We think that, as is usually the case, all of the product pitches that the teams saw were red herrings. The task was selling treatments. Lord Al told them how he would have gone into the beauty business because of the high margins on treatments. Clue: Treatments.

In the end, the results were:

Team Spent Sales Profit
Venture £734 £937 £203.01
Logic £924 £677 -£246.28

Lord Sir Alan Sugarbabe said, "Felicity, get yo dumb ass back in dis here boardroom, gal"

Over in the cafe, Melody said that she wasn't an expert on Birmingham and it was everyone else's fault. Everyone pointed out that she had claimed to be an expert on Birmingham. That's the fall after the pride that we mentioned earlier. She responded by saying that no-one can say they're an expert on a town.

So, the big question. Who should Felicity take back into the firing line?

We think she should take back:

Melody for opening her gob before reading the location report and claiming to be an expert.

Tom for not pushing his point harder about the location report, and because he knew the situation up in the treatment room i.e. no customers, went down to the sales area to help out, and took the easy route of selling more hair extensions despite having done the margin calculations himself.

And of course, Felicity was a rubbish team leader. She didn't listen, she looked to the others to make decisions and, as children are prone to do, they ran amok and ate all the ice cream.

Oh! Oh! And when Ellie asked where all the customers were, Felicity said that she had sent loads up. Bare faced liar!!

Sadly, the worst contestant of all got clean away. Susan. Once again, claimed to know everything about everything and fell flat on her face, which probably explains why her face looks that way.

Felicity makes her choice... erm... what do you all think? Ellie?

Ellie jumps straight in; "Pick me! Bring it on, bitch!"

Surely, that was an indication not to bring Ellie back? But no, Felicity chooses Ellie and Natasha. Big, big mistake. That would be like Tony Blair entering a balloon debate with Mother Teresa, Nelson Mandela and Martin Luther King.

Felicity claimed to be a fab entrepreneur. "I can do figures, I have two small businesses myself!"

Felicity, if you could do figures, love, you'd have two large businesses.

She blames Ellie for not letting her know that the customers she sent up to the treatment room didn't arrive. Erm... and she would know that how?

So far, Lord Sugar Plum Fairy has a tough, tough choice. None of the candidates is looking good. And let's face it, at his age, would you seriously consider going into business with a 21 year old? No offence... but come on. What's he thinking?

Oh yes, we almost forgot. It's good for the ratings.

Of course Felicity was fired. Who else?

Hint for next year's contestants; when you're the team leader and you lose, go back into the boardroom, take the two most argumentative and abrasive contestants with you and take all the responsibility for the failure of the task.

It's the only way to go... we mean stay.

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