Tuesday, 10 May 2011

Theyyyyyyyre Back!

The Apprentice is back! Yay!

Hang on though... Is it a repeat? Oh no, it's a new series. It's just that all the contestants looked the same as last year.

"Don't tell me the sky's the limit if there are footsteps on the moon!"

The moon IS in the sky, you dopey cow.

"Underneath these glasses is a core of steel!"

That must be uncomfortable. Underneath my glasses is a nose.

"I'm a Sales Manager...come Director"

Yeah, the big daft brown clown shoes and pink socks gave it away.

"I'm a pain seeker"

Well, come round our house and we'll help you look for it... with a big stick

"I invented the world's first curved nail file"

That should come in handy for people with curved fingers...

Suggestions for team names?


What about "chrome plated"?

So we have 'Team Venture' and 'Team Logic'

It's logical, Captain.

Who's the leader? Of course, managing people is their forte. All of them. It's what they do. It's who they are. If you broke me in half, I'd have 'people leader entrepreneur pioneer power enablement' written through me. And 'mega'. Did I mention that I'm a great leader?

"I was personally taught by Desmond Tutu and the Dalai Llama". Yeah, and I was personally taught by a man in a tutu and an alpaca. Big fat hairy deal.

"Does anyone actually know how to make soup?" Blank stares. Hint: Buy tin of soup. Open tin of soup.

"Buy produce, mash it up as quickly as possible and then sell it" Well in that case, just scrape it off the floor of the fruit and veg shop. Bargain.

The boys bought 1400 oranges. Their opening line was "Is this an orange?"

How much for a box of oranges? £9.50. How about £150 for 17 boxes? No, £9.50 a box. £9.25? No, £9.50. Tell you what, 16 boxes at £9.50 a box. Duh.

"We're maxing on oranges. Soup is harder to make."

Edna's in charge. And she's an expert in handling people. She's a people person. But other people are making decisions without asking her permission first. She's upset because she's the clipboard monitor.

"We are going to make soup like we've never made soup before!"

Ride like the wind, Bullseye!

(Note, a week after we wrote this, the next episode featured music from Toy Story. Someone must be on the same wavelength as us...)

1400 oranges later... and they've broken the juicer. Squeezing them by hand. 8:45. Everyone's already at work and the boys are still squeezing. 11:00. Still squeezing. "We need to sort this out. We need to get selling now. I'm doing your job, running around, telling people what to do". Wow, if that's all it takes to be Alan's new apprentice, I think I could do that.

Who's going to get fired?

We reckon either Ed or Edna.

Ed was a useless PM, failing to get orange juice out in time for breakfast. He utterly failed to organise his time, thinking he could make it up as he went along.

Edna failed to invest all the money and consequently failed to get the maximum return on the investment. She utterly failed to manage supply.

Hey! We know Leon! He went to uni in Huddersfield.

Logic sold £432.13

Venture sold £ 592.33 - shame, it could have been £871 if they'd invested the lot.

So we reckon Ed will go, especially as his application form said "If my team loses, I'll blame the PM". He admits that he underestimated the manpower needed to squeeze oranges. Leon broke the juicers. To be fair, he was stood there, staring into space, running them for too long rather than giving each a short burst to get the juice out. He even said that he was just 'kicking back'. A scapegoat!

Ed brought back Gavin and Leon. Leon broke the juicers! Get him!

"Why did you bring Gavin back in?"

Ed looks at Leon. Then he realises that Leon isn't Gavin.

"Gavin didn't put himself forward for PM. Well, he didn't really put himself forward. Well, he didn't put himself forward very strongly."

What was the vote for then?

"I'm the youngest in the team, and the shortest"


Leon said, "Lord Sugar, let's go!"

We think he prefers blondes, Leon.

Ed tried to make out he wasn't an accountant. All the contestants seem to want to prove what great entrepreneurs they are. They're not there to be entrepreneurs. They're there to be apprentices.

It was pretty much a re-run of last year's first episode, with that sales manager yelling at everyone in the kitchen to hide the fact that he was out of his depth.

The moral? When you're in the running to be next year's apprentice, don't be PM in the first episode.

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