Wednesday, 11 May 2011

App-arently the App-rentice App-licants Have a Talent for Catchy Apps.... As It App-ens

And Vincent adds... "Have you had an App-le?"

(Cue tumbleweed)

Two days to develop a mobile phone app. How long are these things supposed to take? My new phone is obsolete in less time than that.

Leon's back! He wants to prove that he's not going to be put off his stride by an orange juicer. He's had enough of squeezing oranges. Now he's going to squeeze every drop of performance out of his team. Watch out boys, Leon's got a taste for power, and for squeezing round squidgy things.

Edna's back! Miffed by the team not asking her permission to make a decision in the last episode, she's taken charge of the team. Now she'll show them who's boss. And by boss, we mean scapegoat.

Team Logic went with the slang app. Basically, you pay good money to have your phone hurl insults at you. Great. Isn't it supposed to be the other way round?

"But we need to be really careful that we don't insult people."

Erm... Isn't that the point?

"I've literally just had this idea. And I think it's brilliant right. Imagine you're you and I'm me."

Yep. That's a great idea, girls.

How about an app that makes irritating noises to annoy friends? Girls, that's what your arse is for. Or in your case, it's what talking is for.

The boys think that "Have you seen my sheep?" is an insult in Wales.

The girls' app makes animal noises. The say "Meaow" into the microphone. Couldn't they find an actual cat?

Maybe it's like in the movies, where a cat doesn't actually sound like a cat on screen so they give a cow helium.

The girls only got 1 out of 3 technology websites to support them. "Now we're just going to do what we do best". What, lose? Blame each other?

Edna did a smashing pitch. To you. To you. And to you. She did a great job of sucking all the life out of her pitch. Still, she's a business psychologist. What do you expect?

The boys did an awesome job, giving a doughnut to anyone who downloaded Slangatang. Maybe they'll save one for Alan, it might just swing the top job.

"Alan, have you been eating doughnuts?"

"No sir"

"Then why is there jam all in your beard?"

OK said Al. Team Logic. Team leader?

Leon said, "That was me, Lord Sugar"

Hang on... Leon's not Lord Sugar!

Team Venture. Anybody not happy with the app?

Me. And me. And me. And me. And me Lord Sugar.

Oh dear. The team thought it was rubbish.

Downloads?

Slangatang 3,951

Ampi Apps 10,667

Why? Because the boy's app was biased towards the UK, and the girls app had global appeal. The girls also won the pitch with the biggest magazine, and that kind of exposure means hits means downloads.

What about the advert for the app? Jim wrote it. The team whooped their approval and said, "That's why you're in sales!" So what did Jim say when Alan asked who had written the ad?

"That was completely my responsibility"

What, all yours?

"Well, let me rephrase that. It was Leon's fault"

In the end, Alex could talk the talk but couldn't walk. After all, he is an estate agent. We think Alan had his fingers burned by Stuart Baggs last year and doesn't want to take a chance on someone who only opens his gob when he's having to justify his existence in the boardroom.

Next week, the contestants have to buy top hats for posh people. Riveting.

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