Wednesday, 15 June 2011

Don't Shoot Bambi!

It's magazine week.

Not surprisingly, Natasha goes for a lads magazine. What do lads like? Cars. Fashion. Gadgets.

But lads like entrepreneurs too.

OK, lads. They like money. And building. And gadgets. And underwear. And surfing. And wearing Tom's glasses.

Susan and Glenn head to a bowling club. “I've got a million and one questions to ask them”. Like “Why aren't you dead yet?”

Susan asks the old people if they'd like something to get their brains going.

Susan tries out some brand names on her focus group.

Vitalife? Sounds like margarine.

Joy? Incontinence pads.

First Lady? Dog food.

Radiance? Denture fixative.

Eternal? Perfume.

“What's a term that you call an old person?”

That would be “Lord Sugar”, Susan.

All agreed on 'Hip Replacement'. Nick shakes his head.

“How do you blow your load?” Melody really likes that. Hmmm.

So we end up with Covered, which is anything but, and Hip Replacement, which sounds like a special supplement for Which? magazine.

Natasha's thinking 'dirty secretary'. Not for the cover, that's just what she's thinking. Is anyone else starting to question her sexuality? Not that we're bothered.

Susan's back to codger bothering. For a magazine called Hip Replacement, she has old people doing piggy back rides and wheelbarrows.

Natasha goes up to men in the street and asks, “How do you blow your load?”

Hmm... you could start by buying me a drink, love.

The magazines arrive at HQ. Everyone loves them.

“It's nice looking at naked women but we thought it would be nice to look at the business side of things too”, pitches Leon. What, the business side of looking at naked women? We think Hugh Hefner has that one sewn up, Leon.

But the advertising buyers don't like Hip Replacement. Jim won't negotiate. Susan wants to slash prices next time. Jim doesn't want to lose his shirt. And to top it all, Jim is happy to make the call. Until it comes to the boardroom, maybe? Then it will be Jim's decision. I mean it was someone else's decision. They made me do it, sir.

Natasha says that Leon can pitch. And then interrupts him all the way through his pitch. And then takes over. Basically, Natasha couldn't pass up the opportunity to talk about naked women again.

They buyer says that she has cut her spend on lad's mags because the market has changed and magazines don't appeal to today's young men. But I'll buy it at £1500 a page. We want £2000 but if you say no then £1500 is fine, thanks.

They clients want 50% off Jim's prices. Is everyone in agreeance with that? It's agreeMENT. It's English, Jim, but not as we know it.

Into the boardroom with some new music. We were expecting to see Amanda Burton gazing broodily over a dead body.

Karen Brady is dressed like Bet Lynch.

Lord Suggs asked who would advertise next to “How do you blow your load?” Natasha says that a strip club might be interested. High brow, Natasha.

The results:

Hip Venture: £12000+£7500+£16850+£0= LOSERS!!!

Covered Logic: £60000 – they bought the whole magazine

The winners are sent for fencing lessons – Jim and Susan would have benefited from that.

Jim says “We all endorsed the name. But Zoe thought of it. If they didn't like it, it was Zoe's fault”

Susan disagreed but was still too wishy washy to get her point across.

Susan puts her foot down. “I was the only one who disagreed”

“I didn't hear you” says Jim.

Lordy Lordy Alan tries to pin Jim down, “This must have come about by your direction”

“It didn't really happen like that” - No, Jim was PM but it didn't happen like that. He was in charge, yes, but he only led his team. It was their fault for following him.

The cover was rubbish. It was because Jim didn't get the photos he asked for. But he wanted a photo exactly like the one on the cover. Eh?

The cause of failure? Contribution and Cowardliness.

Susan never stepped up.

“I actually put my hand forward”

Jim says that everyone is trying to shoot Bambi.

Susan is Bambi because of her lack of contribution and half hearted nature.

Firstly, it was Bambi's mother who got shot. Secondly, Bambi was brave and loving. And thirdly, Susan looks nothing like Bambi.

“OK, you did say it but less than half heartedly.”

“Who's responsible? All three of them. Not me. Them. And Susan. And Glenn. And Zoe. They loved me and I led them to defeat. But they got themselves led, it was their fault.”

We reckon Jim will go, simply because of his inability to take any blame for failure. And his slippery avoidance. And his outright, bare faced lies.

He brings back Susan and Glenn.

“Susan never brought up the subject of pricing.” says Jim.

Nick jumps to her defence, saying that she kept on saying that they should “slash prices”.

Who is lying?

“Nick, what I said and what you said are both true.”


Susan thinks that Jim is picking on her.

"You're just marginally worse than Glenn so I'm not picking on you."

Glenn, you're fired. What the hell???

I've never met an engineer yet who can turn his hand to business.


Then how did he make it through the initial selection? Why is he on the show?

Jim and Susan return to the house. Zoe looks on in shock, “Where's ma beyatch?”

Big mistake?

On the face of it, yes. Jim should most definitely have gone. But remember, this isn't an interview process for a job. It's a game show. And people like Jim make viewing figures.

But there is no doubt that Jim will go, after Lord Sugar's embarrassing mix up with Stuart Baggs last year, there is no way on this planet that he would go into business with such a slippery liar. But he's good for a few laughs yet, and what do laughs make? Viewers. 

Next week, we're off to France again.

Vive la difference.

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