Sunday, 21 August 2011

It's Celebrity Paint Drying

Celebrity Big Brother is motoring along at a feverish pace now. We've seen such mayhem and wild antics as:

A man wiping the sink

Jedward hanging their clothes up (do they count as one contestant?)

A woman asking a traveller if he has moved around a lot

The most obvious clue that Channel 5 really scrape the barrel when it comes to celebs is that they show little subtitles to tell you the name of the person who is talking. And we still have no idea who half of them are.

They apparently wanted to launch the all new Big Brother with a celeb version to pull in the ratings. But since most of them are actually less famous than the general public, they needn't have bothered.

My goodness, it's tedious.

X Factor is Also Back!

X Factor is back on our tellys with its usual blend of painful wannabees, novelty warblers and Dermot O'Leary feeling up the female contestants.

But what twist do we have to liven things up a bit?

Not one but two girls who apparently used to be famous are on the panel of judges, along with Gary Barlow who appears to have taken Simon Cowell's place as the token grumpy expert. And Louis Walsh is as bright eyed and sentimental as ever.

As for the acts, we have some kind of lap dancer from Hong Kong, some kind of tap dancer from Birmingham and some kind of crap dancer from wherever the hell he can get his sorry arse back to.

And also the token pratt with stupid hair.

And the token shy girl from a tiny village. And we know she's through, otherwise why would they send a film crew to Ireland to film a shot of the name of her tiny village where she was locked away in her bedroom like Rapunzel singing into the mirror. Or, as the voice over said, pretending to sing. How do you pretend to sing? Do they mean miming?

But the most wonderful and magical thing of all is this year's competition. Yes, you can actually win... wait for it... a day in the life of Britney Spears!!

So that means you get married for a day, get off your face on drugs and booze, fall out of a taxi and have your kids taken off you.

Saturday, 20 August 2011

Big Brother is Back!!!

Yes, just when we thought it was safe to turn on the TV, Channel 5 have once again grabbed Channel 4's cast offs out of the bin and are proudly giving us Celebrity Big Brother.

But wait, it's Celebrity Big Brother with a unique twist.

There are no celebrities in it, it's not big, and it's not my brother.

There's the pinnacle of creative thinking for you.

It's highly unlikely that we'll be posting regular goings on from the house, basically because it doesn't look very interesting and we'd rather watch repeats of QI.

Friday, 19 August 2011


Following the riots across the UK, the British government is getting tough on the rioters, threatening to evict them and their families from the council houses they live in which are in turn paid for by our council tax. The thieving spongers.

However, as many people are saying, where's the best place for the families of rioters? On the streets with nowhere to go? The problem with social housing is that you can't take it away when people depend on it, whether they choose to play by the rules or not.

Yesterday, I was driving through London and I saw a large group of police in full riot gear, gathered round the door of a flat. A large crowd watched from the other side of the road.

Full riot gear? Serious stuff.

So why wasn't the road closed?

Simple. The police weren't there for the protection of the public. They weren't there to take a dangerous criminal into custody. They were there purely for the purpose of propaganda. To show the locals, and anyone driving past, that they simply won't stand for this kind of thing any more.

And the best way to demonstrate this? Have twenty police thugs in full riot gear drag a teenager off in a police van.

Next, you'll see David Cameron on TV threatening to torture a kitten if criminals don't turn themselves in:
Oh, wait... It turns out that truth is indeed stranger than fiction:

Tuesday, 9 August 2011

You Just Know This Smells....

Doing a spot of house-hunting and came across this magnificent carpet.

This demonstrates a remarkable series of events. A designer had to come up with the idea for that monstrosity. Their manager had to say, "Hey, that's nice!", the sales person had to sell it to the shop, the shop keeper had to sell it to the customer, the customer had to say, "Hey, that would look smashing in our living room".

You'd think that someone would have slapped one of them, somewhere along the way.

Sunday, 7 August 2011

Amy Winehouse Goes For Her Last Spin

Last week saw the sad passing of one of the world’s best loved and most talented celebrities, someone who has given us so much joy and pleasure, someone, without whom, our TV screens will simply not be the same.

Yes, Ed Flesh, the creator of the “Wheel of Fortune” has died, age 79. And he didn’t create the TV show, no. He created the actual wheel itself.

Coincidentally, on the other side of the Atlantic, the singer Amy Winehouse has spun her own wheel of fortune for the last time.

Plagued by her own “wild child” image of sex, drugs, rock’n’roll, drugs, sex, drugs, booze, drugs, booze, fighting, drugs and sex, Winehouse wandered in and out of rehab like a catholic priest with the keys to the orphanage.

And it’s not like she wasn’t warned.

Apparently, some of her friends had her telephone number stored on their mobile phones as “Mummy”. Her biographer, Chas Newkey-Brown, says that this was because she mothered them.

Alternatively, it was because she was always embalmed in alcohol and wrapped in bandages following a fight with her boyfriend. Or some fans. Or some tabloid photographers. Or all three, in a kind of sex, drugs and rock’n’roll orgy of violence.

Still, it’s not all bad news. An updated version of Amy Winehouse: The Biography by Chas Newkey-Burden will be republished next month, so at least someone’s happy. He has been blogging his little fingers off to make sure we all know where we can get a glimpse into the sad and lonely life of someone who was ultimately just desperate to be famous. I think Amy Winehouse is mentioned in it too.

Given that Winehouse died at 27 and Flesh at 79, it’s clearly safer to make the wheel of fortune than to take your chances with it.

The Amazing Talented Cat

What's wrong with this leaflet that came through our door yesterday?


Hang on a minute, a cat that answers to the name Sonney??

Have you EVER known a cat answer to anything other than the sound of a can being opened, or perhaps the pathetic chirping of a baby bird that's fallen out of its nest?

And the fact that the cat even knows to spell its name with an E?


Monday, 1 August 2011


For the love of God, please watch this series of Dragon's Den on BBC TV, and then watch the BBC series from a few years back, League of Gentlemen, featuring the peculiar goings-on in the 'local' town of Royston Vasey. Alternatively, you will find clips on YouTube when you can spare some time in between videos of skateboarders smashing their brains out and monkeys and frogs getting it on.

And then, take a long, hard look at Hilary Devey. Well, not too long. And it's OK, you can keep your eyes closed. Because what you will hear as she declares herself out is the sweet and lilting tones of Barbara, the trans-sexual taxi driver from League of Gentlemen. And when we say sweet and lilting, we mean that they both sound like Bernand Manning gargling gravel.

See for yourself. Here is Hilary Devey, showing off her latest limo:

And here is Barbara:

We don't know. Maybe Barbara and Hilary are the same person. After all, we hear that Hilary made her money in the transport business...