Monday, 26 September 2011

Looooooosers!

The X Factor judges have made their selections. This year it isn't called 'bootcamp' but 'judge's houses' or something.

One by one we saw the judges find out which category they would be mentoring, indicating a hidden hand at work, guiding their fate. Could it be Simon Cowell?

By coincidence, every judge opened the door to find their very favourite category, the one they really really wanted inside. How fortunate.

Louis got the old no-hopers that are only there to make up the numbers and make the kids look good. Yes, definitely Simon Cowell is that hidden hand.

Gary Barlow said "I'm going to be on you boys day and night". Steady on, Gary, they've got rehearsing and stuff to do. We don't think there's time for that.

Sadly, the auditions are now over, for they are the best bit. One by one we saw the acts singing for a chance to go home with a judge. They pulled out all the stops. A weird rocker Axel Rose/bloke out of Aerosmith/Mick Jagger/Madonna throwback stopped mid-song for a chat with Gary. The audience booed. He cried.

A number of girls took their clothes off and climbed all over the judge's table. Or the pianist. Or tried to climb all over a judge's pianist. If you get our drift.

And the judges stared at each other in disbelief, as if to say, "Who voted these clowns through?"

Erm.... YOU DID!!!!!!

Then came the judging. I'm sorry guys, you're going home. Your hopes and dreams are dashed on the rocks like dead seagulls. All those nights spent in front of the bathroom mirror with a hairbrush are wasted. You should have spent that time practising miming rather than perfecting your pop star stupid hairdo.

Honestly, a girl with pink hair, Kendo with blue and green. Are they pop stars or gonks?

X Factor contestants line up for the judge's decision

We think it would have been better if the judges had all just shouted "Looooosers!!!"

Cue sad music.

66668 BONGO!!!

A new advert has appeared on our televisual viewscreens where someone shouts  "66668 BONGO!" and some children laugh at their mobile phones. We presume they're watching happy slapping videos.

But no, this is a fantastic new service that tells you stuff about yourself. All you have to do is give the providers of Bongo your full name, the town where you live, and of course they have your mobile number.

Bongo then Googles your name and tells you that your friends on Facebook think you're gullible for subscribing to a service where some marketing people now know your name, your phone number and where you live.

Hmmm... now what could they do with such information?

But who is this remarkable Bongo of whom we speak? Apparently,

"Bongo is a cheeky, funny, super-intelligent monkey.

He was born in the rainforests of Borneo and after showing early signs of super-intelligence (he could say the alphabet backwards in no less than 100 different languages at the tender age of onemonth), Bongo decided to explore beyond the rainforest. He has never looked back."

So what? I was born in the rainforests of Birmingham and I can do that too...

English: ZYXWVUT.....

French: ZYXWVUT.....

German: ZYXWVUT.....

I think you get the idea.

Anyway. The overall message here is DO NOT SUBSCRIBE TO STUPID STUFF ON YOUR MOBILE PHONE OR YOU WILL LIVE TO REGRET IT

Don't say we didn't warn you...

Saturday, 24 September 2011

UBS: Uber-Grubel's Been Sacked

Oswald Grübel has resigned, saying, "I feel that I have to take responsibility for what has happened."

Remember, just a couple of days ago, he said, "If you ask me if I feel responsible, then I say no."

Interesting change of heart...

Lord Sugar "OK, team ThievingBankers, who was team leader?"
Team TB "It was Oswald, Lord Sugar"
Oswald "Not it wasn't! I didn't do it! It was Kweku"
Lord Sugar "Was it you or wasn't it?"
Oswald "I feel that I have to take responsibility for what has happened"
Lord Sugar "Well, Oswald, the task this week was to invest some of my money on the stock market, and I've got to say that your performance was not good. I'm not bloody impressed."
Nick Team Thieving Bankers results are: A loss of $2.3 billion
Lord Sugar Bloody Hell. And I thought Stuart Baggs was bad. As team leader, who would you say is responsible for the failure of this task?
Oswald "If you ask me if I feel responsible, then I say no"
Lord Sugar Oswald... You're fired.

Monday, 19 September 2011

All Moves Insurance Fraud

OK, so I don't normally do this, because it's not really the subject of the blog, but since we don't have a blog entitled All Moves removals company in Nottingham insurance fraud, this one will have to do.

Let me tell you the sorry tale... It's a very very long story, so I'll cut it down dramatically. It's taken 16 months to sort out, and it's a lesson for anyone suffering at the hands of insurance companies.

And in particular, if you are looking for a removals company in Nottingham or Derby then you'll definitely want to read this.

UBS: Unbelievably Big Scandal

So the latest news in the UBS saga of blame and avoidance has arrived. The losses attributed to the rogue trader, Kweku Adoboli, have now been revised to $2.3 billion. That's $2300000000.

Kweku now goes by the pseudonym "UBS", meaning "Untrustworthy Bank's Scapegoat"

Apparently, he used the same dodgy dealing system as used by a French trader in 2008. So... they knew about it? They knew that this was entirely possible? They knew how it could be done? They knew the signs to look out for?

No, apparently, it was like "a terrorist attack that was impossible to prevent".

WHOA!! Hang on. The governments of the world, and by world I mean America and Britain, keep on telling us that they're spending billions of amounts of our money every year on national security to PREVENT TERRORIST ATTACKS!! So now they're saying that terrorist attacks can't be prevented? Even when you know exactly what a terrorist will do? And he works for you? And you track every trade that takes place? And he sits at a desk in your office every day?

And I had to take my bloody shoes and belt off at airport security only to find that terrorist attacks can't be prevented?

UBS officials have said, "It wasn't our fault. It was him! He did it! That junior trader in the corner! Get him!"

What they actually said, according to the FT, was...

"The positions taken were within the normal business flow of a large global equity trading house as part of a properly hedged portfolio. The true magnitude of the risk exposure was distorted because the positions had been offset in our systems with fictitious, forward settling, cash exchange traded fund positions, allegedly executed by the trader."

They went on to say that the dilithium crystal matrix was overloaded with tachyon radiation, causing a proton surge and a cascade of negative space time which itself led to a causal interdimensional rift in the quantum antimatter accelerator.

In short, their explanation is designed purely to confuse the hell out of people while they sneak out the back door and all head off to the Cayman Islands.

And the CEO was off sick that day. And anyway, he's an old man and stop picking on him. We're Swiss! We're neutral! Leave us alone! We've crossed all our fingers! You can't get us!

Oswald Grübel, the 67 year old CEO, took full responsibility for the problems, as the man in charge and therefore ultimately tasked with overseeing the bank's conduct.



"If you ask me if I feel responsible, then I say no." He said. Later, he added, "My future is not decided by me alone. Ultimately, the buck stops with me." - with his fingers crossed behind his back.

That sounds just like Rupert Murdoch's heartfelt apology to the family of Milly Dowler. "I am so very, very sorry that anyone found out about this."


Saturday, 17 September 2011

World Wide Yank

Hot on the trail of Hilary Devey's Google antics, never let it be said that we leave any stone unturned in our endless quest for more traffic to our blog.

It's a strange old thing; we mentioned Hilary Devey and Google indexed those words, which winged their way across the Internet empire and onto the screen of some spotty young chap, hunched double over his keyboard as he scoured the World Wide Web for pictures of said Dragon without her American football style shoulder pads on, hoping to light up his little cortex for a World Wide W***k.

So, since Gurgle brings us visitors for no apparently good reason other than we happen to mention something that is of interest to lonely people in their spare bedrooms, here's an interesting snippet from Google's search engine data; the 20 most popular search terms in America as of right this very minute.

1. ron artest
2. metta world peace
3. day of rage
4. mayweather vs ortiz
5. floyd mayweather
6. reno nevada
7. maker faire
8. lake powell
9. ron artest name change
10. oxford comma
11. the lion king 3d
12. pat robertson
13. detroit tigers
14. dolphin tale
15. boise state
16. sportsbook
17. chili recipe
18. hakeem nicks
19. the hub
20. apple crisp recipe


What, the yanks aren't interested in the events in Libya? Or the latest impending hurricane?

No. It turns out that the yanks are most interested in some idiot who changed his name to promote a video game, and a recipe for cake.

God Bless America.

Thursday, 15 September 2011

We Will Not Rest

UBS (Union Bank of Switzerland) is one of those corporate finance behemoths that played a key role in us all losing our credit limits and not being able to get mortgages, the greedy b@$t@rd$.

Anyway, they, like many of the mega-banks, have been rebranding to show us all how wonderful and trustworthy they are now that they've hoovered out our life savings.

Their new catchphrase is..... "We will not rest"

It's a wonderful ambiguity.

We will not rest... until we have made the financial services world a better, safer place?

We will not rest... until we have taken every last penny off you?

We will not rest... until the regulators stop watching us?

Yes, that's more like it. Especially in light of this week's news that a rogue trader at UBS, one Kweku Adoboli, lost $2 billion in dodgy dealing. To put that into perspective, that's about the same as a thousand people will earn in a lifetime. That's about the number of people who have been charged with rioting in London.

So if you took all the people who have been charged, in court, with rioting in London, and you add up all the money they would earn in a lifetime if they got off their sponging backsides and earned a crust, that's about what Kweku Adoboli frittered away on the posh equivalent of scratch cards.

UBS say that he acted single handedly and without any of his managers knowing anything about it.

Hmm...

We have rogue reporters, writing stories in a national newspaper, and no-one at the newspaper has any clue how those stories got there, and why they're paying a man who is in prison.

Now we have a bank who knows absolutely nothing about what its traders are up to. Traders who presumably can't trade with IOUs written on post-it notes, they have to use trading systems, and trading systems are tracked and logged. Ah well, turn a blind eye while he's on the up and if it all goes pear-shaped, we'll say he was a rogue agent. We'll disavow him like on Mission Impossible.

And to top it all, Kweku Adoboli is an anagram of 'I look weak, Bud'. Yeah, you do.

Nick Leeson was the original rogue trader.

If you're not familiar with the term 'rogue trader' then it is a technical banking term for 'scapegoat'.

Hilary Devey - Don't Even Think About It

There's been a sharp increase in the number of visitors to this blog recently, and you'll never guess why.


No, go on, guess.


Because of Big Brother?

Nope. No-one's watching it.

Because of our cutting insights and razor sharp wit?

Nope. As if.

Because of Henry, the mild mannered janitor?

Now you're being silly.


I'm afraid to say that the answer is somewhat disturbing. Cover your eyes now if you are of a sensitive disposition. I'm covering my fingers as I type this, just to be on the safe side.

People; Internet using, computer literate, Dragon's Den watching people, people like you, are searching for "Hilary Devey naked".

Yes, you read that correctly.

Of course, we don't actually have any photos of Hilary Devey naked. We pray to God that no-one does. Saints preserve us. Mummy mummy mummy.


Saturday, 10 September 2011

Paddy Power!

Following Paddy's victory on CBB, we can now expect to see the following:

Paddy as the public voice of traveller's rights, campaigning against the dreadful way that they are treated by society. And do you have change for a tenner? I'll tell you what, give me the change now, and I'll go and get the tenner...

Paddy on every talk show. "So what was it like in the house?" "Well, it was a lot bigger than a caravan... and there were no police. I was used to the cameras, though."

Paddy in a Go Compare! advert. Unfortunately, they missed out with the Egyptian themed one, he could have come out of a sarcophagus shouting "Mummy! Mummy! Mummy!"

Paddy as the face of a new government campaign to stop kids getting into fights. "Kids, listen, I regret every fight I ever got into. Every one. Now stop fighting or I'lll punch yer lights out. And yer Dad's."

Paddy as a judge on next year's Britain's Got Talent. "What's yer name and what's yer talent?" "My name's Mick and I can tarmac a drive in 10 seconds flat." "Yer through to the next round, Mick."

Paddy for Mayor of London.

What a shame the News of the World isn't around, they'd have loved this. Their headline would have been "Paddy Power", like the bookies, geddit? Yep, that would have been right up their street. But not ours. We're way too intellectual.

Friday, 9 September 2011

The Death of 'Celebrity'

Well, that says it all, really.

Celebrity Big Brother 2011 was won by someone who isn't actually a celebrity, in any traditional sense of the word.

He is, however, someone who has appeared in a documentary, and documentaries are now known as 'reality TV'.

So the next series of celebrity Big Brother will feature:
  • The woman from How Clean Is Your House who had poo on her bathroom ceiling
  • The man from Come Dine With Me who made a sauce out of tinned soup
  • The man who pitched a new design of light fitting in Dragon's Den
  • Someone who was dining in the restaurant in Hell's Kitchen and said that the prawns were delicious
  • The couple from Ground Force who wanted their garden to be an outside room for entertaining friends
  • The surveyor from Cowboy Builders who said that a builder's workmanship was "OK"
So there you have it. Famous people just aren't interesting any more.

Tuesday, 6 September 2011

To Coin a Phrase...

So apparently a glittery bit of tat that you glue to your.... you know... is called a vajazzle. Or something like that. It's in Amy's top 5 beauty tips.

Not drink plenty of water to keep your skin clear.

Not cucumber slices on the eyes.

Not taking off your makeup before you go to bed.

No. Stick a glittery piece of tat down your knickers. And that's a beauty tip.

Anyway, we think that vajazzle is a terrible word, so we'd like to suggest a better one.

Blinge

Think about it.

OK, now stop thinking about it. You'll go blind.

Celebrity Big Fat Gypsy Brother

Channel 5's strategy is quite brilliant, actually. Take a bunch of talentless, unknown or has-been wannabes, stick them in an Ikea showroom for the weekend and by the time it's all over, they've become celebrities, thus earning a legitimate place in celebrity great big waste of electricity.

So we have, what was it, 2 or 3 evictions? Then we're left with about 8 people in the house. Then the producers get bored and say, oh, no-one's watching anyway, let's just have the final vote. They might as well just have held a raffle. Pink 76? The young man in the white vest wins a jar of pickled eggs. Lucky lad.

The 'bit on the side' companion is equally pointless. They are so scraping the barrel that their two star guests are people who didn't win big brother last time. And a surprise guest, Christopher Biggins, who will of course jump at any opportunity to walk down a flight of stairs in his pyjamas with no underpants on. And he reckons he's not a pervert.

Biggins can only comment on how hot the young men are. The ex contestants can only comment on how their time in the house was. The dishevelled man in the front row can only comment on anything at all, just to get on the telly, while always holding his hands as if he's about to molest Amy Childs.

Meanwhile, we can sum up the highlights of this debut for C5's BB with these bullet points:


  • Mummy mummy mummy mummy mummy... ooooohhhhh mummy mummy mummy... ooooohhhhh mummy mummy mummy... 
  • Erm... that's it

And now it's only 4 days to go until normal service is resumed, general public big brother returns and we're back to watching a bunch of nobodies arsing around like animals in a zoo whilst trying to develop some kind of future media career for themselves.

Or is that what we have been watching?