Monday, 26 September 2011


The X Factor judges have made their selections. This year it isn't called 'bootcamp' but 'judge's houses' or something.

One by one we saw the judges find out which category they would be mentoring, indicating a hidden hand at work, guiding their fate. Could it be Simon Cowell?

By coincidence, every judge opened the door to find their very favourite category, the one they really really wanted inside. How fortunate.

Louis got the old no-hopers that are only there to make up the numbers and make the kids look good. Yes, definitely Simon Cowell is that hidden hand.

Gary Barlow said "I'm going to be on you boys day and night". Steady on, Gary, they've got rehearsing and stuff to do. We don't think there's time for that.

Sadly, the auditions are now over, for they are the best bit. One by one we saw the acts singing for a chance to go home with a judge. They pulled out all the stops. A weird rocker Axel Rose/bloke out of Aerosmith/Mick Jagger/Madonna throwback stopped mid-song for a chat with Gary. The audience booed. He cried.

A number of girls took their clothes off and climbed all over the judge's table. Or the pianist. Or tried to climb all over a judge's pianist. If you get our drift.

And the judges stared at each other in disbelief, as if to say, "Who voted these clowns through?"

Erm.... YOU DID!!!!!!

Then came the judging. I'm sorry guys, you're going home. Your hopes and dreams are dashed on the rocks like dead seagulls. All those nights spent in front of the bathroom mirror with a hairbrush are wasted. You should have spent that time practising miming rather than perfecting your pop star stupid hairdo.

Honestly, a girl with pink hair, Kendo with blue and green. Are they pop stars or gonks?

X Factor contestants line up for the judge's decision

We think it would have been better if the judges had all just shouted "Looooosers!!!"

Cue sad music.

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