Thursday, 20 October 2011

Wake Me Up When It's Over

The best quote of Big Brother, well at least the most true, came from Jay as he and Anton observed the house from their crypt.

"This is like watching paint dry"

Now you know what you've been missing in the outside world Jay...

Bargain of the Century

Had a call from Virgin Media yesterday...

"Hello, I am calling from Virgin Media about your telephone package"

"OK. Is this a sales call?"

No, this is a free call"



Please ring me back again tomorrow so I can really take advantage of this amazing free offer...

Friday, 7 October 2011

The Occupation

I was trying to book a hotel room recently and received this reply:

"Unfortunately I cannot give you accommodation on those dates - my son has come home with a broken leg and is occupying my single room"

Picture the scene... son has been scavenging round the hospital bins again, comes home with broken leg under arm, "Mom, can I keep it?", "No, throw it out, the dirty thing", so he goes to his room and refuses to come out.

First he occupies the single room. Then France. It's how Hitler started.

Monday, 3 October 2011

Maisy Muscles In

Absolutely true to form, Maisy is now muscling her way into Louise and Jay's blossoming love triangle.

She has switched her attention from being Faye's best mate, dropping little seeds into Faye's mind like Aaron's not really trustworthy, there's something not quite right with him, I like him a bit and I know he likes me but don't worry, I think he likes you too but remember, you can't trust him. Yeah, but would you go out with him in the real world? Yeah, but would you kiss him? You see, I'm not so sure. I just think he's not really that into you, you know what I mean? I mean I get on with him, but don't trust him, he's just using you. I'm your friend. I'm the only person you can trust. You know what I mean?

Now she's saying the exact same stuff to Louise about Jay.

Just keep an eye on her over the coming weeks as she tries to do the same with every couple who pair off, bar Alex and Tom who are in a world of their own.

And hopefully, someone will step back far enough to see it in action and she'll get the slap across the chops that she so deserves.

Saturday, 1 October 2011

Eurostar 2012

We've just seen an advert on the telly for Eurostar to take you to the London 2012 olympics.

One problem... We're already in England. They should be showing the advert to the people in France.

Get the agency on the phone...

My Brother's Bigger Than Your Brother

Well, you're probably wondering why we're not saying much about Big Brother. Well, what is there to say? It's like silent slapstick comedy. It needs no explanation. Custard pie in face. What more do you want?

We feel that it's about time for a character assassination, so let us take up our position on the grassy knoll and frame our feckless convict.

In no particular order...

Tom Sweet little boy. Puts on a veneer of naivety yet has hidden emotional depths. Will probably win through a combination of being inoffensive and getting both the girl and gay vote.
Jay What a shy young man hiding behind a tough exterior. Epitomises the theory that body art is a shield. Hopefully he'll be around long enough for us to find out why.
Mark Seemed a bit pointless at first, but we have grown to like him. Very funny. Nice philosophy on life. Could be a surprise winner, simply because he doesn't annoy anyone.
Aaron Liked him at first, but is clearly a manipulative game player. He got away with it once, but then allowed Maisy to play him and, amazingly, got Tom and Faye back on side without even having to apologise! His luck will run out, though.
Aden Annoying little pratt. We thought he'd have tired of the tough guy gangsta image by now, but no, following a brief emotional respite he's back, and his baseball cap is as gangsta as ever.
Anton Another annoying little pratt, and a wind up merchant to boot with a very unpleasant disrespect for women. The sad thing is, it doesn't seem real, just a facade like Aden's.
Harry Nice boy who plays up when bored. He'll be out in the second round, where nomination criteria change to 'least interesting housemate'.
Maisy What a wonderfully manipulative young lady. It's quite bizarre to think that the other contestants can't see her playing them. Everything she does is conceived to cause conflict and leave her the only one the contestants can trust. Her luck will run out.
Faye A lovely girl. Almost too honest for her own good, but a touch of drama queen pulls her back in line, otherwise she would be defenceless in the BB house. Interesting personality for a wrestler.
Heaven As Jay so nicely put it, a nice girl but you couldn't spend five minutes with her. Exited the BB house like Bambi on ice. All arms, legs and teeth.
Rebekah The way she played Aden was superb. Aden, unable to speak, looked on in mock anger as Aaron rubbed her feet and Harry snuggled up to her. And what a lovely message she gave her competitors, for having the gall to nominate her off a game show. And Aden is holding a torch for her. He'll need it, it's dark in those strip clubs.
Louise Perfectly suited to Jay. Tough, ice maiden kind of exterior and just wants a man to sweep her off her feet. Surprisingly timid, she makes occasional forays into the social scene of the house which often end badly.
Alex What a strange little clique she has formed with Tom! Clearly, she feels like a fish out of water, as does Tom, and they both feel safe with each other. It's us against the normal people.
Tashie Who?

There you go then. Happy now?