Saturday, 1 October 2011

My Brother's Bigger Than Your Brother

Well, you're probably wondering why we're not saying much about Big Brother. Well, what is there to say? It's like silent slapstick comedy. It needs no explanation. Custard pie in face. What more do you want?

We feel that it's about time for a character assassination, so let us take up our position on the grassy knoll and frame our feckless convict.

In no particular order...

Tom Sweet little boy. Puts on a veneer of naivety yet has hidden emotional depths. Will probably win through a combination of being inoffensive and getting both the girl and gay vote.
Jay What a shy young man hiding behind a tough exterior. Epitomises the theory that body art is a shield. Hopefully he'll be around long enough for us to find out why.
Mark Seemed a bit pointless at first, but we have grown to like him. Very funny. Nice philosophy on life. Could be a surprise winner, simply because he doesn't annoy anyone.
Aaron Liked him at first, but is clearly a manipulative game player. He got away with it once, but then allowed Maisy to play him and, amazingly, got Tom and Faye back on side without even having to apologise! His luck will run out, though.
Aden Annoying little pratt. We thought he'd have tired of the tough guy gangsta image by now, but no, following a brief emotional respite he's back, and his baseball cap is as gangsta as ever.
Anton Another annoying little pratt, and a wind up merchant to boot with a very unpleasant disrespect for women. The sad thing is, it doesn't seem real, just a facade like Aden's.
Harry Nice boy who plays up when bored. He'll be out in the second round, where nomination criteria change to 'least interesting housemate'.
Maisy What a wonderfully manipulative young lady. It's quite bizarre to think that the other contestants can't see her playing them. Everything she does is conceived to cause conflict and leave her the only one the contestants can trust. Her luck will run out.
Faye A lovely girl. Almost too honest for her own good, but a touch of drama queen pulls her back in line, otherwise she would be defenceless in the BB house. Interesting personality for a wrestler.
Heaven As Jay so nicely put it, a nice girl but you couldn't spend five minutes with her. Exited the BB house like Bambi on ice. All arms, legs and teeth.
Rebekah The way she played Aden was superb. Aden, unable to speak, looked on in mock anger as Aaron rubbed her feet and Harry snuggled up to her. And what a lovely message she gave her competitors, for having the gall to nominate her off a game show. And Aden is holding a torch for her. He'll need it, it's dark in those strip clubs.
Louise Perfectly suited to Jay. Tough, ice maiden kind of exterior and just wants a man to sweep her off her feet. Surprisingly timid, she makes occasional forays into the social scene of the house which often end badly.
Alex What a strange little clique she has formed with Tom! Clearly, she feels like a fish out of water, as does Tom, and they both feel safe with each other. It's us against the normal people.
Tashie Who?

There you go then. Happy now?

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