Wednesday, 30 November 2011

Exclusive: Ant & Dec's Secret Love Child!!

We've been watching "I wish I was a celebrity, can I please come and humiliate myself?" for a while now, and Ant & Dec are as close as ever, with their witty banter and adoring looks for each other.

On the other hand, in between times, there's an advert for Westlife's new record. And we couldn't help but notice something very odd about one of them.

Further investigation showed that the Westlife member in question seems to be called Shane. You see, Shane looks a lot like Ant & Dec. Neither Ant nor Dec, but, oddly, both of them.

So we did a bit of DNA research on www.morphthing.com



Now, being a pop singer means that Shane can't smile. Louis Walsh has all their face muscles paralysed at birth as he grooms them for stardom. Meanwhile, Ant & Dec have been genetically modified so that smiling is the resting position of their faces. However, we think you'll agree that this proves beyond all unreasonable doubt that Shane from Westlife is the love child of Ant & Dec.

Saturday, 26 November 2011

X Factor gets a New Contestant

In his never ending bid to upstage the acts and overrule the judges, Dermot O'Leery now comes on to his own dance routine.

Ponce.

Thursday, 24 November 2011

I'm A Has Been... Get Me Out Of There

Who has the fewest votes and will leave now?

In no particular order....

It's Stephanie. Camp Mom is out on her ear.

But it's OK, don't cry for me Argentina. I'll be busy. I'm famous. I'm a star. I'm huge. Hollywood is calling. I'm the real winner here. You're all losers. You can stick your precious jungle up your arses. Loooooseeeers!!

"It was absolutely the best thing that could possibly have happened"

Yes, for us.

Talisa is on the move

We were driving through Wilmslow in Cheshire earlier today and saw Talisa off X Factor. Her number plate was what made her stand out - particularly as she was walking at the time.

No, seriously, we saw a Black Merc with TAL 15 A on it and it looked a lot like her driving. A tanned up face that looked like a slapped arse, harbouring thoughts of what tuneless twaddle she'll be getting Little Mix warbling next week.

Party Like A Celeb!!

This year's I Was A Celebrity, Watch Me Humiliate Myself! is sponsored by Iceland. Not the country, thanks to their banking system that collapsed and took our council tax with it, but the frozen foods shop.

The catchphrase is "Party like a celeb at Iceland!"

So presumably they now sell drugs and gerbils and stuff, and inflatable swimming pools for you to drown a hapless salesman in.

Sunday, 20 November 2011

Sinitta's Spice Rack

Fatima Gaddafi is all bent out of shape, as usual, because Stephanie Powers didn't choose her for the game show. After all, as an ex-olympic javelin thrower from about 20 years ago, she was the obvious choice to throw a dart at a dartboard and, crucially, get the question right.

Then she gives Lorraine Chase a gobfull when Lorraine respectfully asks the Colonel to stop shaking the bunk bed around.

Fats would appear to be, to use a native Aussie colloquialism, "a right bitch".

Meanwhile, Sinitta gets picked for every trial because she is such a good sport, entertaining us with her squeals of delight as she roots around in a bag of cockroaches.

Anthony Cotton definitely had the right idea, politely asking the rats to move along and saying that he really enjoyed himself. No-one's going to vote for him again, are they?

And it would appear that Sinitta was watching last year's show and picked up Gillian's idea of stuffing her knickers with a selection of condiments. Gillian brought in some herbs and spices, Sinitta smuggled in the entire spice rack, a large tub of parmesan and half a dozen bulbs of garlic, which certainly explains all the squealing.

Saturday, 19 November 2011

Gaddafi Lives!

Contrary to the reports fabricated by the pigdogs of the Western media, our beloved Colonel Gaddafi, inspiring leader, spiritual guide and mass murderer of the year 1988, did not die at the hands of a marauding mob.

No, he heroically slipped away through his network of underground tunnels to the jungles of Australia where he has launched his exciting new career as a TV celebrity and ex-Olympic athlete.


M&S = Miming & Sneaking

Well, M&S always pull the stars together for their Christmas TV advert, don't they?

But this isn't just a barrel. This is an almost empty, stinky, festering barrel. And M&S are scraping the bottom of it.

Is it just because they have selected the X Factor contestants as their Christmas baubles? No. That's topical and will surely appeal to the younger audience that their biscuit selection boxes and chenille cardigans are aimed at.

When Frankie left the show under a dark cloud and a drug filled haze of oblivion, M&S edited him out of the advert, replacing him with some pictures of Christmas puddings or spoilt kids or something.

But that's not a big problem, M&S simply wanting to distance themselves from Frankie's shameful antics. After all, you can't have the rock'n'roll lifestyle until you've earned it fair and square, not won it in a raffle.

No, the problem is that M&S edited out Kitty Brucknell and replaced her with video of AMY PINKHAIR MIMING!

Bloody MIMING!

So not only do they insult Kitty by removing her from the advert, they then pretend that Amy is anywhere near as good a singer by having her flapping her trap in time with Kitty's sweet warblings. It's not just a nasty rip off. It's a nasty, sneaky, underhanded, unfair, scene-stealing rip off, from Your M&S.

Your M&S, not ours. You can keep it.

Thursday, 17 November 2011

Life Imitates Art

At least a year ago, we suggested some new TV series, including 'I'd Like To Be A Celebrity, Get Me In There'.

Well this year's romp in the jungle features such well known celebrities as...

A man off TOWIE. We waited 2 days until Ant & Dec told us what that even meant.

A girl in a bikini

Dougie somebody. Apparently a pop star or something. The public have voted for him to do a challenge just so that Ant & Dec might give away some clue as to who he is.

And beyond that, we're into one of our other suggestions of yesteryear - 'I Used To Be A Celebrity, Get Me Back In There'

And what new and exciting treats do the producers have in store for us? A bunch of dirty wannabees and hasbeens eating pig's arses, rooting around in boxes of cockroaches and shouting 'eek!' when they see a spider.

What could possible top that, eh?

Sunday, 13 November 2011

Social Media Mad

We're jumping on the social media web 2.0 cloud computing e-bandwagon again by suggesting some new services to further enhance our mobile connectivity virtualisation.

New services that we'll be launching for 2012 include:

Social networking with video clips: TubeFace

Sending very short video clips to your friends: TwitTube

Throwing very short custard pies at people you don't know: TwitFace


Friday, 4 November 2011

Wake Me Up Before You Go Bro

Goodness, Big Brother is getting more and more tedious.

The shopping task was to stay clean for the day. It's a cross between Porridge and It's a Knock Out.

The housemates have now completely run out of anything interesting to say or do, and you can tell from the state of the Big Brother pigsty that they know it's all downhill now.

All that we can tell you to summarise the situation is contained within the remaining housemates' favourite catchphrases.

Aaron Oookaaaayyy. Weeellll, um, I don't necessarily think I was being particularly manipulative was I? And I may be sorry if I hurt your feelings, if that meant getting a kiss and a fondle later.
Alex Ah'm gunna get a tickert ter the Olympercs if ah win ert. And ah'm gunna ave a biscurt. And ah'm gunna get mah tea and dunkert.
Faye Do you like me though Aarern? But do you reallay? But do you? But do you reallay? But do you though? But do you?
Jay Why ah'm canny like. Discoo.
Louise I don't know what's happenin' Big Bruvva.
Tom Look at me willy, Bab.

And don't forget the most wonderful catchphrase of all.... "You're one of my best mates in here"

So to provide some welcome entertainment in what is otherwise a wilderness, here are some jokes that we have come up with.

Did you hear about the bad tempered android? He had a chip on his shoulder.

I'm getting fed up of seeing Dermot O'Leary. It's like my TV's got Dermotitis.

Have you been to www.optrex.com? It's a site for sore eyes.

How do pirates relax? They get some arrrrr 'n' arrrrr