Tuesday, 20 December 2011

We Have No Reason to Believe That Piers Morgan is a Lying Slippery Git

Piers Morgan finally had his moment in the spotlight at the Leveson enquiry, in which he was asked via video link to his new home the good ol' U S of A, who are the only people who think that he's cool, if phone hacking had gone on at the Daily Mirror while he was the editor. Of course not. Who would think such a thing? The Daily Mirror? A paragon of journalistic virtue? Ridiculous.

Now, you can read what he said anywhere. Just Google 'slippery former editor lies through teeth to government enquiry' and we're sure something will turn up. Of course, that would be a purely random search phrase, not one intended to turn up news stories about Piers Morgan. After all, we are not aware of anything that Piers Morgan has done to mark himself out as a slippery lying git. He said so himself to the enquiry, under oath, so it must be true.

Note how he used phrases such as "I had no reason to believe..." or "I was not aware..." or "I was not aware that it was widely prevalent in any specific form" or even "I was never directly involved"

Apparently, an editor is aware of maybe 5% of what happens at a newspaper. So by sheer coincidence, all the illegal stuff was squarely in the hidden 95%. Fancy that. In the ten years that he edited the Daily Mirror, nothing illegal ever crept into that 5%. Despite the fact that he wrote in his own diary in 2001 that someone had told him about phone hacking. But he never for a moment imagined that his own angelic reporters would be doing it. Or that they would be paying private investigators. Or the police. Ah well, perhaps he's a better interviewer than he was an editor? Erm... no. Refer to our previous post about his interview with David Hasslehoff.

But hang on, what about the telephone message from Sir Paul McCartney on Heather Mills' phone that he listened to? Where did that come from? Who played it to him? How did they get it?

Apparently, he can't reveal his sources.


Isn't that precisely what the Leveson enquiry is all about?

The QC threatened to ring up Heather Mills and ask if she played Piers the recording, because if she didn't, it was clearly obtained illegally.

Piers replied that there's nothing unethical about listening in on a private conversation. If it was that private, they shouldn't be having it. Translation: Call her then. See if I care.

Now remember, Piers left the Daily Mirror because of a scandal involving a front page photo of a British soldier torturing an Iraqi prisoner. Except it wasn't a British soldier. And the photo wasn't taken in Iraq. And the man being tortured wasn't an Iraqi. It all happened in the Daily Mirror's car park. Now, it may be true that an editor only knows 5% of what happens at the newspaper. Wouldn't you think that the front page story would be part of that 5%??

Piers told Lord Justice Leveson that "he was concerned that the hearing was not focusing on the good papers had done over the years". Yes, we were unreliable, lying, cheating scumbags, but millions of people enjoyed the cartoons. When will we get some recognition for that? And the horoscope! How many people's lives have been changed by Mystic Meg?!

Remember though the most important role that newspapers play in our day to day lives. They keep our chips warm.

Brilliant, isn't it? Called before an enquiry to ascertain how newspaper journalists acquired private information, he sticks two fingers right up at them. Or one finger, since he's now hiding across the Atlantic.

All being well he'll stay there.

Sunday, 11 December 2011

They Don't Call Them Quick Quid for Nothing

No... at 1734% APR, it's because that's exactly what they make out of you...

Little Mix Win X Factor 2011!

But the final isn't for another 4 or 5 hours, how could we know that?

Well, come on. Everyone knows the whole thing is fixed. Why don't ITV just admit it?

You see, we've had male singers win for the last 2 years, Matt Vegas last year and Lil' Joooor McElderry the year before. So when Marcus wins this year as he rightly should, Simon Bowell has a problem, because he has three male singers vying for attention in the pop charts. And since there aren't many girl groups around at the moment, it makes much more sense for Little Mix to win, even though they shouldn't really have made it past the auditions. Whoa - hang on - even though they DIDN'T make it through auditions because they weren't good enough as individual singers. But sling them together as a group and now that they can drown each other out, we can shove them through to the final and no-one will notice.

Remember, Little Mix DID NOT ENTER THE COMPETITION. As individuals, they DID NOT GET THROUGH THE AUDITIONS. Neither did The Risk. And Amelia Lilly was VOTED OUT.

Also, The Risk lost a member. So they should have been out because they weren't the same group any more. But no, let's give them another singer because they didn't get through the auditions and it's a con anyway, so the fact that people are still voting means they're gullible.

Maybe based on that, we can expect Kitty Brucknell to win.

But how do ITV rig the contest?

Firstly, let's face it, ITV do have previous for vote rigging. Such as taking viewers' money after the lines had closed. Or giving the 2008 People's Choice award to Ant & Dec, even though the viewers had actually voted, fair and square, for Catherine Tate.

Secondly, the judges repeat, over and over, that a girl band has never come this far in X Factor and everyone should vote for them to win. If advertisers did that, the ASA would have a thing or two to say.

Thirdly, they'll just do what they did last year. And the year before. The final performance will be both finallists singing what will be the X Factor single. And the style and key of the song will be perfectly suited for the winner's voice, and will make the loser sound like they're strangling a cat.

So tonight, we're expecting to see Marcus running around like Mrs Doubtfire to sing all four parts of the song.

Finally, remember that the semi final was between Marcus, a girl who was voted out a few weeks ago and four girls who didn't even get through the first auditions.

But don't fret, because the other thing that we can say from previous years is that winning X Factor is actually a career deathwish anyway. The runners-up are always more successful.

So based on that, we're voting for Marcus to lose tonight, because of all of them, he's the one we'd actually pay money to see.

Bad luck Marcus!!

Saturday, 3 December 2011

King Who?

The choice of this year's king of the jungle deserves just one word...


What Do Men Do in the Jungle?

Mark White said to his new best friend Dougie:

"Let's do some man shit. Let's do each other's hair"

We don't know what men get up to in Essex, but where we're from, man shit does not involve doing each others' hair.