Wednesday, 16 May 2012

Two Minute Warning

What, do they have Alzheimer's as well?

And if you want to spend your spare time chasing after buses, visit

Loose Change is for Losers

We're surrounded by self help experts who try to convince us that we have to change. We must work smarter, not harder. We must move with the times. We must adapt or die.

Well, I've seen my fair share of change and it looks pretty harrowing to me.

They say that a change is a good as a rest.

Ergo, a rest is as good as a change!

So the next time someone says you have to change, have a rest instead.

Tuesday, 8 May 2012

Is that a Berm in your Pants?

The American secret services have foiled another dastardly plot to blow up an airliner. Yes, those evil foreigners will stop at anything to attack the great American way of life. And if you watch Man v Food, they can keep it. I mean, bacon on a doughnut????????

Yes, the CIA have stopped a suicide bomber with a BOMB IN HIS UNDERPANTS.

Sound familiar?

Readers of Viz magazine will recognise the suicide bomber as none other than Johnny Fartpants, the young man who always has a commotion in his underwear.

Apparently, a similar plot was foiled last year when a suicide bomber's underpant bomb failed to explode, causing a small fire which other passengers put out.

We don't think that's what happened.

We think that an American tourist, laden with bacon doughnuts and an entire pig in hot barbecue sauce accidentally lit his own fart while trying to get his seatbelt around his enormous girth.

Come on, an underpant bomb? Which do YOU think is the more plausible explanation?

BRITAIN'S Got Talent

Apparently, there has been some consternation in the press about the number of foreign contestants in this year's BGT. We would like add our two-penneth.

We think that the two male dancers from America are really super, Cascade from France are outstanding and we even kind of like the Latvian comedian. Although the German with the gold wings is seriously misguided.

We have absolutely nothing against them.

In fact, we think that Simon Cowell should branch out. Latvia's Got Talent has real potential. A stand up comedian, a woman who can peel a sack of potatoes in three minutes flat with only her ears, and a man with an unnatural relationship with goats. It could even win the ratings war with the big hitters, 'I'm an Asylum Seeker, Get Me Out Of Here!', 'You've Been Framed by the Secret Police' and 'Who Wants to be a Multi-Billionaire' (runaway inflation, you see).

And therein is the problem. BGT was envisaged as a showcase for undiscovered British talent. It is not a showcase for world talent. What happens if a Frenchy wins it? Does that mean the French are more talented than the Brits? The best of our homegrown talent has to be imported?

So we think that BGT should be restricted to British acts. Not out of any jingoistic, right wing, narrow minded stupidity but because BGT exists to showcase British talent. Simple as.

Same as we wouldn't expect to see Northerners on TOWIE.

And we would love to see Europe's Got Talent next year, and perhaps even Earth's Got Talent the year after.

Although once that gains popularity, the Martians will want a look in.

The Beautiful Apprentice

This year's Apprentice follows the same format as last year; the winner becomes Lord Sucre's business partner. Maybe he ran out of jobs at Amstrad to give the winners, or maybe he thought that a business deal was a better way to stop them all leaving after a year and starting up their own businesses.

The problem with this format is that it skews the firing process. Lord Sugar isn't firing who deserves to be fired, he is firing the person he least wants as a business partner.

Take the most recent episode of the TV game show (don't forget, it is just a game show) where the hapless contestants had to buy tat from a big warehouse and then flog it to clueless punters from Essex at huge profit margins.

In the firing line were Jade, Azhar and Tom. Well, Tom shouldn't have been there at all but Jade was scraping the barrel because, as she herself admitted, the failure of the task was her fault. She wasted too much time choosing sites, left not enough time to buy stock and consequently had no plan for buying stock. It all went downhill from there, rapidly.

Jade was far and away the looserest member of the team because she had no plan other than 'buy stuff and sell it'. At one point, she actually said that her strategy was to "win the task". That's an outcome, luv, not a strategy. A strategy means 'what's your plan to get there?'. She didn't have one.

Azhar was berated for repeatedly asking Jade for a strategy. But he wouldn't have had to ask if she'd had one!!!

But LS fired him because he didn't like the look of him. Fair enough, he was a bit of a whinger, but which is easiest to learn; a bit more positivity when dealing with people, or the fundamental ability to make sound business decisions?

This year's Apprentice ain't a business game show, it's a beauty parade.

We predict that the winner will be the person with the business plan that involves working with children and opening a boutique.

Saturday, 5 May 2012

Daaaad..... Stop it you're embarrassing us

We haven't bothered commenting on BBC's X Factor imitation, The Voice.

Why? Because it's the equivalent of your Dad running the disco at your 16th birthday party.

And you're through to the next round... Oh, no you're not...

The judges on Britain's Got Talent distinctly say to the contestants... "you've got four yeses, you're through to the live round..."

But wait. You're not actually through to the live round at all. You're through to the round where the judges sit in a room and decide if they like a photo of you or not.

Hardly fair, but it is ITV. The contestants should think themselves lucky they don't have to phone a premium rate phone number to hear the judges' decision.