Thursday, 12 December 2013

Westloife Singer Crowned King of the Jungle

That was the most boring celebrity jungle pantomime ever. They all loved each other. No fighting or practical jokes to speak of. Everyone was so pleasant. The highlights were as follows:

Amy cheated and noone really cared.

An American has-been tried to convince everyone that he was really famous.

Some people got covered in bugs.

That's it.

Thursday, 7 November 2013

Moving the Nation

This coach company apparently has 16 million seat coaches available...

Thursday, 29 August 2013

Haven't We Seen Her Somewhere Before?

Celebrity Big Sibling and weird antiques expert Lauren Harries looks very familiar, especially when wearing a big fur coat and with her weird stoopy neck.

Have we seen her on Antiques Roadshow?

No... hang on, it's on the tip of my tongue.

Now I remember! She was on the Pink Panther Show!


Sunday, 18 August 2013

They say that sex sells cars...

I can't believe the DVLA let this one slip through the net. Maybe it's Jaguar's attempt at subliminal selling? Still, they do say that sports cars are substitutes for a certain something.

Thursday, 8 August 2013

The strange people of Walsall

Why would anyone want to have sex with a bus?
Presumably you have to be very careful, those exhaust pipes can be hot...

Wednesday, 17 July 2013

The Doctor is IN

Dr Leah, winner of The Apprentice, is going to bring medical excellence and credibility to the industry of having cow's arse fat injected into your face to fill out those wrinkles.

The problem is, the chain of clinics are the prize in a game show and, as such, her brand has lost all it's credibility from the start.

Also, Lord Wrinklyface himself admits he doesn't understand low volume, high margin, regulated, clinical businesses, so within a couple of years the chain will be rebranded as Al's Bargain Facelifts.

I don't think that Al himself will be the poster boy, though.


A Hazel is for Life, not Just for Christmas

We're watching Big Brother of course, but not commenting because nothing interesting is happening...

Until now!!

Isn't Hazel totally awesome? We want one as a pet! It would be like having a pet snake or maybe a leopard. Exciting, but don't turn your back on it.

So here's Hazel's master plan, in a nutshell.

  1. Upon entry to the house, assess the other housemates as threats
  2. Use looks and sexual advances to gain immediate control of all men in the house
  3. Identify the inaccessible men i.e. Dan (gay) and Daley (girlfriend)
  4. Identify the accessible men (Dexter, Calum, Sam) and avoid at all costs
  5. After all, she wants to win, not a relationship!!
  6. Drape herself all over Dan in order to wind up Daley
  7. Make unwelcome sexual advances towards Daley, thereby exploiting his high response threshold by virtue of him having a girlfriend, knowing that she can push Daley a long way before he returns her advances, even though they're not sincere
  8. Push Daley too far
  9. Jump at the chance to push Daley out the door while BB is on the warpath
  10. Concoct a story that positions Hazel as the innocent victim who doesn't know anything
  11. Test her half truth, half arsed story with Dan to see if, as a detective, he buys it
  12. He bought it!!!
  13. Feed the story to the other housemates to recover her position
Sadly, we think & hope that it won't work. Gina and Dexter are already on to Hazel (Daley should have listened but he was overwhelmed by testosterone). Sam, Sophie and the twins don't care. Calum will listen with his y-fronts. Dan is already totally hoodwinked by Hazel. Some detective!!

Get a Hazel now. Available from all larger branches of Pets at Home. Not suitable for children. Or men.

Saturday, 13 July 2013

Celebrity advice from Mecca Bingo

Along with health advice on cigarette packets and coffee cups, I see Mecca Bingo are offering useful advice to celebrities on their marker pens...

Friday, 5 July 2013

The Doctor Will See You Now

Is it just me, or does Dr Oetker sound like a Nazi war criminal to you?


Thursday, 13 June 2013

Hell's Kitchen? Well, it wasn't Heaven's Cafe...

We were in London recently and took the opportunity to visit one of +Gordon Ramsay's restaurants, the Bread Street Kitchen. A kind of raucous cafeteria with an industrial theme frequented by a lot of people who looked like gangsters.

It was interesting. The service was outstanding. The scallop (just one) was OK, and the meatballs were excellent. The cheeseburger was average, with a trendy shiny bun, a not-very-tasty burger and a lettuce/mayo mix on the bottom which, under the hot burger, turned into the kind of wilted sludge that you get in a Big Mac. The triple cooked chips were nice at first but became tiresome and stodgy, and actually were just like the deep fried roast potatoes you'd get in a Brewer's Fayre on a Sunday. The surf and turf was £35, with rather salty steak.

So all in all, we liked the bread and the meatballs. Everything else was average and overpriced.

For the above, plus a beer, £92. Including a 12.5% service charge which was added for our convenience.

Thanks Gordon, that certainly took a weight off our minds.

Tuesday, 28 May 2013

The Gun Free Paradise of London...

On the pro-killing Americans website, www.gunssavelives.net, the latest headline proudly proclaims:

"Meanwhile, in the Gun-Free Paradise of London, Terrorists are Beheading Soldiers in the Street"

Well, it's a good point. I mean, that kind of thing would never happen in America would it? I mean, terrorists would never kill people in New York, would they?

So the solution is to give everyone guns. Which means the terrorists would have guns. Which means they would have shot the soldier instead of stabbing him.

Let's put these statistics into perspective, shall we?

Number of people killed with guns in America last year: 8,583

Number of soldiers hacked to death by terrorists in the UK ever: 1

Just in case you're struggling with the figures here, I've prepared a bar chart for you:


And also a nice pie chart:



The Only Way is Epic

Went to see The Pub Landlord, Al Murray, recently. Very good indeed.

His show has moved on a bit, merging comedy with self-help in not a dissimilar way to Neil Mullarkey. The Only Way is Epic attempts to have the audience so proud of their own prejudices that we feel epic, in the sense of national and sexual superiority, of course. As epic as a football hooligan does as he sticks an Italian fan's head through a shop window, maybe.

The Landlord's original shows featured racism, sexism, jingoism, nationalism and masochism in a way that had the audience screaming with laughter from the very start, only to find out through a slow unravelling of the Landlord's back story that we were actually laughing at our own prejudices. It turned out that he had a good reason for hating the French, Foreigners, Women and Gays. But we didn't.


Mr Murray takes a photo of the audience at each show. We're 6th row back on the left of the photo.

Monday, 27 May 2013

He's Behind You!

This year, Derby isn't taking any chances with the stars of its pantomime. You may recall that last panto season, Jim Davidson was due to star in panto somewhere just as he was arrested for doing nothing at all with young people who looked over 16, leading to the chance of a lifetime for his understudy.

So to save further embarrassment, Derby City Council is hedging its bets....


Sunday, 19 May 2013

A Ukrainian Telephone Directory

I think I worked it out after room 502...


New celebrity vending machine launched

Here's a new vending machine designed just for Jimmy Saville / Jimmy Tarbuck / Jim Davidson / Dave Lee Travis / Bill Roach / Michael Le Vell*

*delete as appropriate

Tuesday, 14 May 2013

Chris Hadfield is So Cooool!

Everyone's raving about Canadian astronaut Chris Hadfield who has shown the world that astronauts are cool again. For the first time, the people on the radio tell us, since Buzz Aldrin, Neil Armstrong and the other guy, space exploration is cool again.

And why?

Because Chris Hadfield did such amazing, cool things as:
  • Showing viewers back home how he eats dried spinach in space
  • Playing an electric guitar
  • Sending pictures via Twitter. Yes, TWITTER!! That cool new technology that old people don't understand and young people don't use.
Awesome. Amazing. Definitely worth billions of NASA dollars.

Personally, I don't think of the abovementioned stunts as being cool.

If Chris had single handedly pushed a meteorite out of an extinction level collision with Earth, that would have been cool.

If Chris had single handedly fought off an alien invasion, then that would have been cool.

If Chris had single handedly seduced the queen of an alien civilisation, thereby bringing centuries of violence to an end by showing them the power of love, then that would have been cool.

But eating spinach and crying?

He also said that Wales is "Rugged, proud and uniquely beautiful"

Let's hope the space sickness wears off soon.

Saturday, 27 April 2013

Hotel Facilities

I would check out... But I can't get out of the hotel room for the TV.

Tuesday, 9 April 2013

RIP Margaret Thatcher


Everyone in Britain today has been influenced by Margaret Thatcher. We'll remember her for different reasons; some for the national pride stirred up by the Falklands War, others for dark periods such as the Miner's Strike and Poll Tax Riots. Yet from 1979 onwards, she defined the culture of Britain and laid a foundation that successive governments, both Conservative and Labour, have built upon.
Whilst you may or may not agree with Thatcher's political position, what we can all learn from is her gift for public speaking. So many good people and good politicians have excellent ideas and want desperately to make the world a better place, but without the ability to stand up and have the courage of their convictions, their voices go unheard. Whatever you say about Thatcher, her voice never went unheard.
From the day in 1979 when she won the general election, she honed her public speaking skills. Maybe it was a combination of education and experience that made the pitch of her voice deeper and her intonation more commanding, or maybe it was the growing confidence that she felt in office.
She is possibly best remembered for her line, “The lady's not for turning”, which in itself reveals one of the reasons that she was so compelling as a Prime Minister – she wasn't afraid to speak her mind and stick to it. Rather than change with the tide of public opinion, she stuck to her principles, even in the face of severe pressure to do otherwise. Whilst Poll Tax was hugely unpopular at the time, she perhaps recognised that people will always resist change and continued, with some adjustments, to press ahead with social reforms that have given us local government today that has to justify how it spends our money and which we can hold accountable. Her ability to hold her ground during every debate and press interview shows courage but also something that we can all learn to do; once she made a decision about a course of action, she stuck to it. I've seen so many presenters 'change tack' when they think the audience isn't 'with them', and all they achieve is to lose credibility. Whether you liked Thatcher's policies or not, at least you knew what they were, which is something that is hard to say about many of today's politicians.
Another area where Thatcher excelled was in branding. She made the conservative party stand out and gave it an identity. She knew that being the first female Prime Minister gave her a distinct advantage over her predecessors, and she took full advantage of that, linking the branding of the party to her own personal image. Her trademark hairstyle was echoed in the flame of the party's new torch logo, which was used long after she stepped down as party leader, showing that she continued to influence the party for many years after Labour came to power.
Whatever your personal recollections of Thatcher, the world has lost a leader who had a unique ability to reach out and speak to the nation, communicating her steadfastness during some very challenging times. No matter how unpopular her message, she always showed the courage of her convictions and that gave the people of Britain a sense of direction which, arguably, we have not seen since.

Saturday, 16 March 2013

Overheard in a Cafe

Overheard in a cafe in Ashbourne today...

Woman 1: I'll just put my mobile phone in my handbag

Woman 2: Why don't you put it in your pocket?

Woman 1: I can't put it in my pocket because of the cucumbers

Woman 2: Why don't you put your cucumbers in your handbag?

Woman 1: Oh, it's OK, I've done it now

Wednesday, 16 January 2013

Trumps from a Cavity?


The narrator on tonight's Brit Cops just said:

"The cavity search is negative but the rest of the crack team turn up trumps."

Is it just me, or is that very funny?

Tuesday, 15 January 2013

Monday, 7 January 2013

It's Not a Game

Paula was upset at being up for nomination, saying "it's not a game"

erm...

There are players, rules and a winner. And it's a game show.

She's upset because 4 of her fellow luvvies voted for her.

"This was a chance for me to get my life back on track, to launch my products."

Ah... So that's why you're in there. Well we don't think that's quite the point of the show, love.

"You've broken me."

No, Paula. Your whinging, lying, name dropping and novelty bra are what broke you.

It's Another Celebrity Big Bust-Up

Well, it's that time of year again. It's time to fill a TV studio with a bunch of has-beens and most-likely-never-will-bes to see how they fare when deprived of the most essential essentials of life - media attention, photographers and hangers-on.

Here's a round-up of the 2013 posse...

Celery Reason for being in the house
Claire Was a (insert previous career here), now seeking a TV career
Frankie Was a (insert previous career here), now seeking a TV career
Gillian Hasn't had any acting work in a while, hoping the talent scouts are watching
Lacey To take off as many clothes as possible to promote a modelling career
Paula Was a (insert previous career here), now seeking a TV career
Razor Was a (insert previous career here), now seeking a TV career
Ryan Fed up of dodging spiders in the toilet?
Rylan Had a taste of reality TV, wants more
Sam Hasn't had any acting work in a while, hoping the talent scouts are watching
Speidi Had a taste of reality TV, wants more
Tricia Was a (insert previous career here), now seeking a TV career


So there you go. We know it's unsettling when you see people on your telly and you have no idea who they are.