Tuesday, 28 May 2013

The Gun Free Paradise of London...

On the pro-killing Americans website, www.gunssavelives.net, the latest headline proudly proclaims:

"Meanwhile, in the Gun-Free Paradise of London, Terrorists are Beheading Soldiers in the Street"

Well, it's a good point. I mean, that kind of thing would never happen in America would it? I mean, terrorists would never kill people in New York, would they?

So the solution is to give everyone guns. Which means the terrorists would have guns. Which means they would have shot the soldier instead of stabbing him.

Let's put these statistics into perspective, shall we?

Number of people killed with guns in America last year: 8,583

Number of soldiers hacked to death by terrorists in the UK ever: 1

Just in case you're struggling with the figures here, I've prepared a bar chart for you:

And also a nice pie chart:

The Only Way is Epic

Went to see The Pub Landlord, Al Murray, recently. Very good indeed.

His show has moved on a bit, merging comedy with self-help in not a dissimilar way to Neil Mullarkey. The Only Way is Epic attempts to have the audience so proud of their own prejudices that we feel epic, in the sense of national and sexual superiority, of course. As epic as a football hooligan does as he sticks an Italian fan's head through a shop window, maybe.

The Landlord's original shows featured racism, sexism, jingoism, nationalism and masochism in a way that had the audience screaming with laughter from the very start, only to find out through a slow unravelling of the Landlord's back story that we were actually laughing at our own prejudices. It turned out that he had a good reason for hating the French, Foreigners, Women and Gays. But we didn't.

Mr Murray takes a photo of the audience at each show. We're 6th row back on the left of the photo.

Monday, 27 May 2013

He's Behind You!

This year, Derby isn't taking any chances with the stars of its pantomime. You may recall that last panto season, Jim Davidson was due to star in panto somewhere just as he was arrested for doing nothing at all with young people who looked over 16, leading to the chance of a lifetime for his understudy.

So to save further embarrassment, Derby City Council is hedging its bets....

Sunday, 19 May 2013

A Ukrainian Telephone Directory

I think I worked it out after room 502...

New celebrity vending machine launched

Here's a new vending machine designed just for Jimmy Saville / Jimmy Tarbuck / Jim Davidson / Dave Lee Travis / Bill Roach / Michael Le Vell*

*delete as appropriate

Tuesday, 14 May 2013

Chris Hadfield is So Cooool!

Everyone's raving about Canadian astronaut Chris Hadfield who has shown the world that astronauts are cool again. For the first time, the people on the radio tell us, since Buzz Aldrin, Neil Armstrong and the other guy, space exploration is cool again.

And why?

Because Chris Hadfield did such amazing, cool things as:
  • Showing viewers back home how he eats dried spinach in space
  • Playing an electric guitar
  • Sending pictures via Twitter. Yes, TWITTER!! That cool new technology that old people don't understand and young people don't use.
Awesome. Amazing. Definitely worth billions of NASA dollars.

Personally, I don't think of the abovementioned stunts as being cool.

If Chris had single handedly pushed a meteorite out of an extinction level collision with Earth, that would have been cool.

If Chris had single handedly fought off an alien invasion, then that would have been cool.

If Chris had single handedly seduced the queen of an alien civilisation, thereby bringing centuries of violence to an end by showing them the power of love, then that would have been cool.

But eating spinach and crying?

He also said that Wales is "Rugged, proud and uniquely beautiful"

Let's hope the space sickness wears off soon.