Wednesday, 17 July 2013

The Doctor is IN

Dr Leah, winner of The Apprentice, is going to bring medical excellence and credibility to the industry of having cow's arse fat injected into your face to fill out those wrinkles.

The problem is, the chain of clinics are the prize in a game show and, as such, her brand has lost all it's credibility from the start.

Also, Lord Wrinklyface himself admits he doesn't understand low volume, high margin, regulated, clinical businesses, so within a couple of years the chain will be rebranded as Al's Bargain Facelifts.

I don't think that Al himself will be the poster boy, though.

A Hazel is for Life, not Just for Christmas

We're watching Big Brother of course, but not commenting because nothing interesting is happening...

Until now!!

Isn't Hazel totally awesome? We want one as a pet! It would be like having a pet snake or maybe a leopard. Exciting, but don't turn your back on it.

So here's Hazel's master plan, in a nutshell.

  1. Upon entry to the house, assess the other housemates as threats
  2. Use looks and sexual advances to gain immediate control of all men in the house
  3. Identify the inaccessible men i.e. Dan (gay) and Daley (girlfriend)
  4. Identify the accessible men (Dexter, Calum, Sam) and avoid at all costs
  5. After all, she wants to win, not a relationship!!
  6. Drape herself all over Dan in order to wind up Daley
  7. Make unwelcome sexual advances towards Daley, thereby exploiting his high response threshold by virtue of him having a girlfriend, knowing that she can push Daley a long way before he returns her advances, even though they're not sincere
  8. Push Daley too far
  9. Jump at the chance to push Daley out the door while BB is on the warpath
  10. Concoct a story that positions Hazel as the innocent victim who doesn't know anything
  11. Test her half truth, half arsed story with Dan to see if, as a detective, he buys it
  12. He bought it!!!
  13. Feed the story to the other housemates to recover her position
Sadly, we think & hope that it won't work. Gina and Dexter are already on to Hazel (Daley should have listened but he was overwhelmed by testosterone). Sam, Sophie and the twins don't care. Calum will listen with his y-fronts. Dan is already totally hoodwinked by Hazel. Some detective!!

Get a Hazel now. Available from all larger branches of Pets at Home. Not suitable for children. Or men.

Saturday, 13 July 2013

Celebrity advice from Mecca Bingo

Along with health advice on cigarette packets and coffee cups, I see Mecca Bingo are offering useful advice to celebrities on their marker pens...

Friday, 5 July 2013

The Doctor Will See You Now

Is it just me, or does Dr Oetker sound like a Nazi war criminal to you?