Wednesday, 17 July 2013

A Hazel is for Life, not Just for Christmas

We're watching Big Brother of course, but not commenting because nothing interesting is happening...

Until now!!

Isn't Hazel totally awesome? We want one as a pet! It would be like having a pet snake or maybe a leopard. Exciting, but don't turn your back on it.

So here's Hazel's master plan, in a nutshell.

  1. Upon entry to the house, assess the other housemates as threats
  2. Use looks and sexual advances to gain immediate control of all men in the house
  3. Identify the inaccessible men i.e. Dan (gay) and Daley (girlfriend)
  4. Identify the accessible men (Dexter, Calum, Sam) and avoid at all costs
  5. After all, she wants to win, not a relationship!!
  6. Drape herself all over Dan in order to wind up Daley
  7. Make unwelcome sexual advances towards Daley, thereby exploiting his high response threshold by virtue of him having a girlfriend, knowing that she can push Daley a long way before he returns her advances, even though they're not sincere
  8. Push Daley too far
  9. Jump at the chance to push Daley out the door while BB is on the warpath
  10. Concoct a story that positions Hazel as the innocent victim who doesn't know anything
  11. Test her half truth, half arsed story with Dan to see if, as a detective, he buys it
  12. He bought it!!!
  13. Feed the story to the other housemates to recover her position
Sadly, we think & hope that it won't work. Gina and Dexter are already on to Hazel (Daley should have listened but he was overwhelmed by testosterone). Sam, Sophie and the twins don't care. Calum will listen with his y-fronts. Dan is already totally hoodwinked by Hazel. Some detective!!

Get a Hazel now. Available from all larger branches of Pets at Home. Not suitable for children. Or men.

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